I'm at breaking point with all the bickering, just need someone to listen

[TrulyMadlySleeply]

I've got 4 DC's from 12 down to 5 and all they ever seem to do every day is bicker over everything and nothing. At least when I'm in the room I know what's been going on so I can see who is being unreasonable/nasty/argumentative and help them resolve their differences, but when I can hear it happening from somewhere else in the house and then try and make sense of who did what, it's just bloody exhausting. I don't want to punish everyone in the room as some of them may not be involved in the argument, but I also don't want to have to get drawn into the who said what, who did want kind of thing. I try to ignore as much of it as possible but I feel I need to show them we need to all get along, so if I never pull them up on this sort of behaviour, surely they'll just carry on with it? I hate it when I end up shouting at them as I then feel guilty for the rest of the day which is how I'm feeling at the moment. And the summer holidays are about to begin...

I'm no real help as I just have the one 9-month old, but I remember the days of bickering with my siblings!
Is there any way you can have a blanket-reaction to it?

If its obviously one of them being the trouble-maker, then of course deal out punishment as you see fit but as soon as I and my three siblings would start bickering (the annoying, petty stuff) we'd be sent to opposite ends of the house.

One of us in our bedroom, one at the kitchen table, one in the front room etc. It was always an immediate end to the arguing, we'd usually resolve or forget whatever it was we were fighting about in a show of camaraderie and within minutes we'd be bored enough to agree to stop!

Ah bickering.. know it well
There are 2 friends of mine who have thoughts on this.
1"Don't attend every argument you are invited to"
2"if there is no blood or fire, I am not interested"

no really, a lovely lady I know who runs parenting courses encourages us to think about the kids the way you would watch a david attenborough documentary about wolf cubs. it is all about becoming the alpha child. this is totally natural behaviour that you cant and perhaps should't change.

I find that we have periods of weeks of peace and then a few days of constant fighting, then peace again, for us this feels like it fits into the re jigging of the natural order. Them testing our boundaries and theirs - as siblings.

What we have been doing is making comment about what can be seen / heard without making judgement. ie "Hmm I can hear alot of bickering in here" and then just walking out. or some such. Often it brings them out of the corners they have painted themselves into.

Good luck, dn't think there is a once size fits all, but if they aren't hurting each other I would honestly try to step back from it.

Did I write this?
Though mine are 10, 8, 6 and 4 and they haven't all broken up yet

I don't get it, a couple of years ago they were lovely. Last week we were on holiday in the middle of nowhere so no entertainment and they were lovely

It's a day in and they're ready to kill each other

I am the eldest of 5 and mother of 3.

I hated my 2 sisters all through my childhood - they were horrible to me. However, I blame my parents for this because they made me the 'one in charge' whenever they went out. And at 12/13 I wasn' really equipped to cope so I ended up being horrible to them, thinking I was helping my parents manage them.

The damage was irreparable.

Now, I leave my DCs to argue. I do step in if it gets horrible and heated and nasty, but I think they need to figure it out by themselves as equals.

My advice is step back and leave them to it as much as possible. It's not reasonable to think that siblings won't argue - of course they will.

Also, living i the same house, everyone gets fed up, p'd off at others - it's normal. to try to stop it is like King Canute trying to hold back the waves.

Try to think of it as part of the growing up / learning independence/separating from parents & siblings process.

Oh, it's awful, isn't it? I have 4 DCs too, from 9 down to 3, and two hours after school broke up, they were bickering and whining about being bored!

They were much better after a good night's sleep, actually. They're still like toddlers in that respect: give them enough food and sleep and they do function better.

Making sure they have space from each other also helps a bit here. DC2 and DC1 are in that "alpha child" struggle constantly and DC1 nearly always wins, but DC2 is getting closer at times! So for one thing, perhaps they are learning something from it. But my real point here was that they both need to be out with friends of their own age for a while and get a break, or it's far too intense.

I go to help if I'm asked or if it sounds like someone's about to get hurt.

It seems to be an inescapable part of childhood and is so much worse with more DCs. I worked this out once:

2 DCs: 2 playing combinations: they either play separately or together
3 DCs: 5 playing cominations: separately, together, two and one
4 DCs: 16 playing combinations!!!

No wonder there's sooo much bickering going on in our households, OP - so many ways to be unhappy! (Why did we do it?! - but that's a thread for another day!)

So I guess expect it to be part of life and treasure those small moments when they briefly all get on!