toddler upset and jealous of baby brother (long sorry)

[iccarus]

Hi, has anyone got any advice or experience of this. My eldest is 2.10 and youngest nearly 6months now. To start off with all was well. Ds1 was really happy with his brother. We played up the big brother aspect and have continued to praise and encourage him. Most of the time he seemed to be a bit oblivious to be honest. However, last month, possibly coinciding with him stopping nursery (financial reasons) he was happy with being at home btw, we have had more jealousy. Attention seeking, crying for no reason as soon as ds2 cries, more tantrums. Climbing all over me when im holding baby. Ds2 is 'rubbish, he cant do anything' he wants baby to 'go and live somewhere else, doesn't want him anymore' and also a lot of talk about ds2 always has mummy and ds1 has to have daddy, which i don't think is true. Also ' you always say you can't play with me because of ds2, which there is some truth to but i cant take ds2 on the trampoline or ignore him in a baby bouncer\ bumbo all day. I'm struggling to give them both quality time and attention and feel they are both missing out at the moment. Ive tried to give lots of cuddles, affection, i love yous. Tried to give him time just with me where dh takes ds2. Have tried to explain baby will be bigger and able to play with us soon and that will be really fun but at the moment we have to look after him and help him but all seems to be getting worse instead of better

Hi no advice but I'm experiencing the same, my 2.7 year old is not adjusting well to his baby brother who is only 5 weeks old. We cat leave him in the same room on his own with the baby cos he is spiteful to him. He's really jealous and wants to climb on me when I'm holding the baby and I also feel like I'm not giving them both enough time where I'm trying to see to the other. It's hard x

No advice of my own as we're facing this issue to come - DS2 is due in September when DS1 will be 22 months. We have spent some time with friends' babies and DS1's reaction hasn't been good - climbing on me, whining, demanding attention as soon as I pick up friends' babies.

We've had some advice from others - one really interesting one from friends whose daughters are good friends now at 2 and 4, was basically to prioritise the elder son's emotional needs until the younger one is a lot older (eg. 9-10 months).

So for instance, if younger child is playing with a toy that the elder wants, don't say "you have to share", just take it away from younger and give to elder. If elder wants to breastfeed when younger is feeding, you can break the latch for two seconds, give elder a bit and then return to younger. Over time, elder gets comfortable that they're not being usurped, while younger doesn't realise what's going on and by the time they do, the eldest feels more secure so then you can start evening out the attention a bit more.

My mother's advice was to get a playpen for younger so as to physically separate them within the same space (I guess initially I was a jealous menace to my younger brother!!) so put baby in playpen under baby gym or doing tummy time, then play with toddler right outside playpen. MIL endorsed this too.

We will be trying these but not totally confident there's any silver bullet except time and trying to treat the two boys equally according to what they need and what's appropriate to them at the time. If that means the elder gets more of my time than the baby because the baby is happy with me or DH but DS1 just wants me, then I guess we'll try that out - it's unequal in terms of absolute time but equal according their needs...

But hopefully even if none of these things work, the passage of time will eventually help...

We had similar issues with DS when DTs were born. DS was 2.4 when they were born, all fine for 6 months and then as soon as DTs were moving all hell broke loose!

We have done most of the things suggested by Xiao with fairly good success. I definitely suggest the toy trade thing while your ds2 is young enough to be distracted with something else, and so important to give your ds1 a 'break' from the baby.

my ds is really into trains so I tend to build him a track in a separate room so he can play uninterrupted - does your ds1 have a favourite toy/activity you can set him up with when ds2 needs you?

something else that really helped was to avoid the 'they're only babies, they don't understand' when the twins stole toys/got in the way etc. to ds this seemed like the dts were getting away with everything. instead 'tell the baby off'. sounds silly but it has made the biggest difference to ds now he doesn't think the babies get away with things (and of course the dts have no idea as I remove them from the situation as I 'tell them off')

and of course make sure you give ds1 quality time as much as you can, or at least make it feel like it to ds1. for example I usually say 'now dts, you will have to come into the garden because that is what ds would like to do no' - to ds this appears he is getting priority when infact i'd like them all to get some fresh air! its all about the perspective for your ds1.

good luck, hope it improves!!

Hi iccarus , I wrote a little rhyming story about this & offered it for free here on Mumsnet - it's really for 2.5 upwards but I've been told it works and is a fun way to broach the difficult jealousy issue.

Despite offering it for free someone reported me for getting"free publicity" which they felt was unfair so I had to take it down (this was 2 years ago) ... and now I may actually be publishing it so I can't link to the site and only have excepts of the book online at the moment anyway, but I'd gladly send you the whole thing on PDF if you like and you can see if it helps? Let me know :)

(note: the PDF version is slightly outdated, but the bulk of the story hasn't changed)

Thanks everyone. The idea about telling baby we were going out because ds1 wants to and telling baby off are new things to try. He loves books so have requested some about siblings from the library. Thanks for the offer max, I'll pm you.

Ooh max I'd love the story too, will PM you!

Queen good to hear that the advice I've been given works well and love the idea of "telling the baby off" and doing stuff because the older kid wants to, makes total sense. So basically we should think of how everything appears from DS1's perspective while DS2 is too young to understand.