I am at a crossroads in my life. Please help.

[TandC]

I live in a nice part of London with my husband, almost four year old son, and one year old son. I have been a SAHM since my firstborn arrived. He is due to start school this September but we haven?t a school for him as we live in a heavily child populated area and catchments for good schools are small. We are on waiting lists for the good schools. After a lot of thought however, my husband and I have decided not to wait for a good school to come up, but to move to a market town in Surrey and improve our quality of life. The town has good schools and we hope to have a reasonable sized garden at some point for the boys to run around in. We have just to sign the tenancy agreements and then we have a move date of mid-August. Sorted. Well, apart from the fact that I feel miserable about leaving London. After four years at home I itch to return to work and the commute to where I want to work is too far from where we are moving to. I feel if I continue as a SAHM will feel resentful as I?m beginning to feel unfulfilled at home and long for a role which will boost my self-esteem. I was determined to do the right thing for the children and move, but I can?t help think that what they need are happy, fulfilled parents who don?t hanker after another life. For those of you who have found yourselves in a similar situation, what did you decide and has it worked out for the best? Thanks in advance.

Do you not think there will be anywhere to work in the new town? It may just be fear of the unknown as far as working in a new place goes. You would probably take a salary drop, but you could still work? I do think you need to be happy though. What do you honestly think the chances are for your son getting into a good school? You need to make sure you are definitely going to work or you may end up still at home and him in a bad school! It's a tough one but if you KNOW you will get this job you want and it isn't just something you hope for without knowing, then perhaps wait a bit longer to see which school he gets into?

Thanks so much Lion. I don't know for sure if I will get the role I want, but it is a seasonal contract role, so if I don't get it this coming season, I may the next. The industry I work in is very much based in London so finding similar work in outside London is unlikely. Also, I don't know for sure if my son will get a place in a good school where we're going, but I think he would eventually, if not straight away. In a way I feel he would stand a better chance of getting into a good school where we are due to the transient population. As he's an August baby I wouldn't mind if he does another term at Nursery school while we wait. My husband is very cross with me for changing my mind about the move, and letting people down (our tenants, landlord, estate agents), so it's very difficult to discuss it with him. Also, he really wants to move as he sees it as an improvement in quality of life.

If it is the market town I am thinking of then it is very lovely. However you do need to be happy. He will see that eventually; remember he hasn't had the time out of work wanting to get back in. He won't completely understand why you need something to boost you. As you say you can always move later. Just tell him it is on hold for now but you are still open to it for the future. DD is an August baby too and it is a bit nerve wracking with all of the papers going on about needing to keep checking on them...so I can understand your dilemma there. For heavens sake don't worry about the agents/landlord etc - they get enough money when it goes through (which it will if it was a decent place anyway) you really don't need to be thinking about them! This is about you and your family.

If you need to go back to work, you need to go back to work. Don't feel guilty about putting your needs forward.

What about rethinking the location of the move? Could you find the furthest places in London/greater London where it would be possible to commute to your workplace and see whether you'd get a better quality of life than where you are at present?

Can you define what quality of life means to you? Does it mean the same thing to your husband?

I say from my own experience that it's entirely possible to commute from some parts of Surrey. So I agree, maybe just think about slightly different town that is more 'commutable'??

Thanks again Lion. Yes it is a lovely town. Just not sure what you mean by '...it is a bit nerve wracking with all of the papers going on about needing to keep checking on them...'? when talking about August babies. What have I missed?

Yes Cosmo, I had thought about rethinking location and had wondered if we stay another year in London, I can be researching other areas during that time. I wouldn't have time in the timescales we're currently working to, to get something in place for a mid-August move. Thank you for reminding that a location closer to London is a good option for us. We had looked at Guildford but my husband didn't like it as he felt it was too like London (which I liked!) He wants a rural / semi-rural lifestyle.

Nosoyummyummy - your post has really struck a chord with me. It's a very good question and though when discussing our situation with my husband in the past he has admitted that a miserable wife will detract from any other perceived quality of life, it would be good to ask him to define 'quality of life' in his terms. Thank you for putting it so simply and effectively.

Thames Ditton, if you can afford it. Lovely.

I just meant about them being the youngest in the year and all of that palava. Not sure if I agree with the stats but think it has made me a bit more aware of her education on that level.

Good luck OP. Hope your DH is happier now too.