New SAHP , going demented, shit mum, need help!

[icepole]

How do you get any time for you? My DH works away, summer holidays, 2 DC 5 & 2. Both pretty clingy. I am not cut out for being at home with them. I am going mad. I feel like the noise and demands are endless. I am typing this with my DD rolling around at my feet nagging for biscuit.

I take them out but if I am honest I don't like that either because I struggle to deal with both their needs. My DS is an anxious child who wants me with him all the time including to go on slides etc. But I need to watch DD as she is wild and will break a leg or something so it just becomes a massive tantrum infused wine fest.

I find it boring. I love them but I don't enjoy 'playing', I hate cooking and cleaning. For various reasons I need to be at home so need to find a way to survive.

My DD gets up early, DS won't sleep till late. I go to bed at the same time as him.

And I feel crappy. I am a crap mum to them. They are smashing kids and they deserve better.

Please send me survival tips.

Firstly, don't lose heart. It IS hard to do the majority of parenting alone if your DH works away or very long hours. Find it hard does not make you a shit mum.

Secondly, I imagine there are a huge number of other mums who feel exactly the same way as you. I sometimes feel as if my head is going to explode with all the constant demands. My DC are similar ages and tbh I've found it nearly impossible at times.

Survival tips...I know it's hard, but getting out of the house is key for me. The park, swimming, soft play, anything which they'll both enjoy. Yes, it's still exhausting for you, but not in the same way as being at home.

Also, is any form of childcare an option. I guess the older child is at school but currently on holiday? What about holiday activities? There are quite a few things I've booked DS1 into. It's only an hour or two, but it breaks the monotony.

Lastly, the sleep thing sounds exhausting. If you had the evenings to yourself, I guarantee you would find it easier. Atm you aren't getting ANY downtime. Is there any way you could get the older one to bed earlier? Also, get a cleaner if you can afford it. I have one every 2 weeks. She does the ironing for DH's work shirts and gives the house a good clean. Worth every penny.

Good luck and be kind to yourself. You are NOT alone!

Oh a cleaner! I want one really badly! Not an option at the moment sadly. My DH is very against it too which doesn't help.

DS won't go to any activities without me. He is a selective mute and very anxious. He is in a bad sleep pattern. I will try and get him to bed earlier bit by bit but he really isn't tired. My youngest will only go to bed if she has no nap otherwise she is just as bad.

I think it will be easier when school starts again, at least there is some routine etc. I just feel bored by it all already and I have been at it for two weeks. I know I am lucky to be able to have this time with them but I just want to read a book. In silence.

Very sensible advice above: might I suggest a "reading corner" in DS's bedroom: you can start this before they actually read!.... All you need is a beanbag or comfy chair, a a reading light and selection of books/magazines/little toys (colouring book when he can be trusted not to decorate walls!)
And then you start "quiet time" which means at (let's say) 6pm you start your night time routine/telly/bath/teeth/story/whatever you do.
At 7 you say "it's time for your quiet time", he goes up to his room and can play/read for x minutes until "lights out". This will give you back a bit of evening time, even if it's only an hour or two it will hopefully be a recharge time for you.

Can you fund a two hour break at a childminder/surestart centre once or twice a week? (I appreciate that may not be possible) another option if you have a friend who might share could be "playdates" (once a week take it in turns to have each others two year olds). It's working out how to get a break that is likely to help, however you achieve that. Do you have a local council gym, they often have affordable creches, a once weekly swim might be good wind down time if you can afford it?

But you're new to being a SAHM. Don't give yourself a hard time. We're all rubbish at it and want time to ourselves at first. You may find that you sort out your days to get some space, but you might not, and it's important to learn skills to cope with that. My own breakthrough was to give up on that and really throw myself into enjoying time with them, since it was what I had to do anyway. Plan it and organise it like you used to plan a work day. Know when you are tired yourself and structure days so DC know what to expect.

For pre-schoolers and holidays I had a pretty rigid routine that made life much easier and more enjoyable.

In the mornings we'd go out - ideally to some place with other adults - a play group, music, church group or soft play, but if not, to a play park or city farm or similar, or even round the shopping malls or for a ride on a bus or train if the weather was vile.

Home for lunch and a bit of quiet time. Encourage them to nap if they will or if older DC can't, let her have a dvd or audio book. Or let them watch tv for an hour while you have short break. Then out again to either meet up with a friend for a cup of tea or go shopping, or invite someone round. Or another trip to the park. Discuss what they will do before you get there. And offer a bribe. If DD is very sensible and grown up and doesn't run off then she gets some tiny reward - a penny or a pasta piece to put in a jar, to build towards a grown up treat for just the two of you.

The 'rules' for us were: get out of the house for three hours every day.
Speak properly to at least one other adult every day.

Don't worry too much about the housework. Again, a very short routine helps keep on top of it - wash load on first thing, peg it out after breakfast, all toys tidied up by everyone (not just by you) before tea, then bath, stories, bedtime. We did housework as a game. DCs LOVE housework. They love feather dusters and soapy water and will work off energy on a bit of window polishing!

If you have a really bad day, always have an emergency plan - buy take aways or ready meals and put Barbie dvd on for 400th time. You'll all survive.

It was my least favourite time of their childhood. I'm a much nicer mum now they are school age. But, because we had so much time together, we grew really close, I got far better at being a mum, got more confident, more engaged with it, and now absolutely love it above anything else I've ever done.

I think that if you are not cut out to be a SAHM, there is nothing wrong with that.

Is there no way you could go back to work?

Does your DS have any particular friends at school? Any chance of playdates with you there? It won't give you any time to yourself, but it's so much easier if there's at least another adult around to chat with.

It's tough, very tough, even if you are a SAHM. In a lot of ways I think it's harder on you if you are at home full time. I've don't both and haven't found either to be ideal tbh. I just think young children are HARD WORK no matter how you go about it.

My two won't sleep at 7 if they've napped either. Even 5 minutes in the car knocks them back to 9 or even 10! Getting the right wake up time (6am here unfortunately!), run them ragged all day and no naps seems to work for me. If I get it even slightly wrong the whole thing goes out of the window.

What do you like to do?

I think sahp really need to consider this also as not doing anything you like makes it feel worse.

Write a list of 10 things you enjoy then try to work out how to do them/ part of with the children also.

Excercise? Could you get a bike with trailer for kids on back, could you all swim together, teach them to ride own bikes to make it easier next year. Hiking etc etc

Travel? visit family and friends further away, take a Train/ car/ bus. Camp, visit list of beaches etc
Food?
Socialising?
Reading?

Hello OP, you are not a crap mother for not being able to cope. It is a long day when you are on your own with your dc.
I promise it does get better with experience and time and there is no end to the things you can do.
I felt a bit like you at first, but over the 20 years I have been a sahm I've done a degree, a masters, a PGCE and several other courses for fun. I have numerous hobbies and interests and am now able to meet friends, go out and socialise and really wouldn't want to go back to work. The freedom is fantastic, but this usually comes when dc are at school/nursery. In the meantime, I agree with others that getting out and about is really important, don't sweat about housework and sod a routine for daily chores, it gets boring.

I do think maybe I am just a selfish person. I like downtime that is uninterrupted. I try and have a wee sit down and cup of tea after they eat because they are usually happy to be on their own but they still keep coming through and then I get snappy because I want them to leave me alone and then I feel guilty because they are lovely.

I don't have many friends. I am quite shy. People I know always seem busy. We are about to move house though. So there is a lot going on.

The quiet time at night is a good idea. He doesn't have to go to sleep but he can play quietly in his room from a certain time.

Can't go back to work just now. Loads of reasons, son needs me at home because of the SM, we can't afford the childcare and I have had health problems this year. Once DD is in pre school I think I will do much better . Just a bit of space in the day. But that is not until Feb.

I do find being out with them very, very stressful. DD is stubborn and doesn't want to go in prams etc. DS just needs a lot of support. I like them better one to one! Also parks are really dull. I do make myself go out with them. We did park yesterday and soft play today.

It is good to know it's not just me.

I like reading, I do enjoy reading to them. I like the theatre but that one is a bit tricky. We do go to children's shows when they are around although they tend to be suitable for one or the other not both. A bike trailer is an interesting idea! I will look into that one. I think my wee one would enjoy being in one. I used to run and do miss being able to exercise.

Right, I need to plan more days out. Will break things up for all of us. I am staring at my homework all day, scared to go out. I need to plan places to go.

Could you pay for a mother's help to give you some downtime?

Not at the moment no. Things are very tight. It should settle in time but we are going through a tricky transition right now so we are really squeezed.

I do feel a bit lighter having posted here though. Must have been cathartic.

Assuming the bad sleeper is the older one I'd just make him go to his room by, say, 7.30 , and say he can play or read as long as he wants but he has to be in his room. You need some downtime.

Also, even a two year old can understand ' I'm busy. You need to play by yourself for 20 mins'. Really encourage them to play together. It's actually beneficial as they start using their imaginations more.

There was a thread on here in which someone said ' I'm not the entertainments committee' and there's a lot to be said for that. Mine are 3 and 1 and I expect them to play independently for at least 30 mins at a time a few times a day. That gives me the headspace to get bits done and get us all out twice a day

Good quote

I remember playing by myself all the time when I was wee. I let them watch too much TV then feel bad. I wonder if they are just getting used to me being around after working full time.

If you look into the bike trailer thing, look at one with a large front wheel attachment. Then you could also use it for running as you used to ( but with them)

We have a 3 and 2 year old and use a chariot trailer that has a bunch of adapters depending on use such as as stroller, as jogging pram, For hiking and for skiing. Neither really use a pram of any sort any other time but love the trailer. Most Eve's myself and dh go running with them, just not as far as used to, but get an arm work out too! And at weekend just pile them and picnic into trailer and attach to bike.