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Original poster

My daughter is gawjuss but struggling to cope

26 replies

Wuldric · 11/07/2013 22:39

I know this sounds twattish. I really do. But it is a genuine issue.

DD is lovely to look at. She is 15. The first thing to say is that she absolutely does not think or believe that she is pretty. She doesn't believe it and she thinks people are being silly. So far, so balanced.

The issue is that she is gawjuss. To the extent of random modelling agencies calling up, slightly mad lovelorn teens knocking on the door, two stalkers already, and all her brother's friends making our home their destination of choice because DS's sister is so 'hot'.

She is so weary of this. She suffers very badly from asthma and hayfever so summer in the UK is hell already. She has a trail of love-lorn teens at school, who all come to watch if she ever so much as lifts a tennis racquet. She comes home and her (younger) brother's hormonal friends are prowling the house for a glimpse of her. The tennis club is worse. So she retreats to her room, wheezing and uncomfortable, trying to hide away from blokes.

She looked so sad tonight and so tired and wheezy. Is there any way from protecting her from all this? I have already told DS not to invite any of his friends here this holiday who think DD is 'hot'. He looked stricken. Apparently this means that none of his friends will be allowed around this summer. But even so, I reckon DD needs a break.

WWYD - and yes I know this sounds twattish

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scratchandsniff · 11/07/2013 22:44

Get her some of those ugly fake rotten teeth, and tell her not to wash her hair for a few weeks. That should help a bit.Grin

3littlefrogs · 11/07/2013 22:49

Aside from anything else, are you doing everything possible to get her asthma and hayfever under control?

The fact that she is tired and wheezy is worrying.

Original poster
Wuldric · 11/07/2013 22:50

:) The problem with that solution is that DD (who doesn't think she is pretty) would not be willing to adopt it.

She is sleeping now, and not crying any more. I have never had to face this issue but I am truly sorry for DD. I have ordered her an ioniser for her room. I hope this helps.

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ExitPursuedByABear · 11/07/2013 22:50

How do random modelling agencies have your number?

Daughteroughter · 11/07/2013 22:51

Poor kid -could you spend sometime or help her with her friends to do something that keeps her busy to take her mind off it, like orienteering, cyc ling etc. I think it's a bit harsh on your son, besides she is going to have to learn to live with her looks

Original poster
Wuldric · 11/07/2013 22:54

That's a good point, and one I taxed DD with. Apparently they lurk outside certain stores (NB avoid Oxford St) and pounce on anyone remotely photogenic. DD gave them our home number. She did the right thing. If she'd been 5 years older she might have figured to give them a fake number.

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HollaAtMeBaby · 11/07/2013 22:56

I can't see the connection between your DD's asthma and her devastating beauty. It's two separate things, isn't it? Unless you make her wear some kind of gas mask, or possibly even a full biohazard suit...

ExitPursuedByABear · 11/07/2013 22:57

She will need to learn to live with her looks. Could she develop an arsey attitude like my dd ?

Believeitornot · 11/07/2013 23:00

Get her some decent hayfever medication. Nasal spray and eye drops.

As for her looks - well you're making a big deal of it eg telling your ds not to have his friends over etc. not sure why the answer is but maybe less focus on her looks in general.

Original poster
Wuldric · 11/07/2013 23:01

Oh I knew this sounded twattish when I posted it. It's not a stealth boast. Most people would describe me as homely. DD is some kind of throwback to a more attractive generation. She struggles to get out in the summer anyway, due to her asthma. When she is besieged in this way, she just holes up in her room, refusing invitations and wheezing. My point is that she would not refuse invitations if she looked like me.

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3littlefrogs · 11/07/2013 23:02

Does she have antihistamines and inhalers?

Does she have regular checks with the asthma clinic?

Original poster
Wuldric · 11/07/2013 23:03

She has inhalers, nasal sprays and eye drops. And shortly an ioniser for her room. The issue is that she cannot be persuaded to leave it because of the attention.

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SupermansBigRedPants · 11/07/2013 23:05

I can imagine how crap it is from the asthma pov, having a harsh illness is bad enough without being 'watched' constantly. I'm not surprised her confidence is not high - I doubt many of us would enjoy a non stop audience and not question if it is justified

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 11/07/2013 23:06

Get her asthma under control so that she isn't exhausted and has the confidence to ignore.

And I'm sorry but you cannot say that your son can't have friends over, you just can't. What a way to set up massive resentment.
How old are these boys anyway? Can you not say something to them about keeping their tongues in their heads?

You sound a bit limp about all this, woman up.

ExitPursuedByABear · 11/07/2013 23:06

I have never known someone so gawjuss so don't know what to suggest

3littlefrogs · 11/07/2013 23:09

Sorry to labour the point about the asthma, but I know from experience that poorly controlled asthma makes you feel so ill and tired that you just can't cope with anything at all.

Is there a relative or friend that she could escape to for a couple of weeks peace and quiet?

Devora · 11/07/2013 23:12

You don't sound twattish. Devastating beauty is not a problem I've ever had to tussle with but I remember how overwhelming it felt to become a teenager and suddenly to be preyed on, picked over and commented on wherever I went. I think our society can be very harsh to attractive young girls (and then of course they get no sympathy because it's assumed their lives are all milk and honey).

I'm not sure what the solution is because this is a problem that is sited in the outside world and you can't control that. But my instinct is that you should focus on building her confidence in areas that are nothing to do with her looks. Don't make a big deal of her looks with her, but do discuss with her how she feels when she gets sexual attention in different contexts, and help her develop a repertoire of coping strategies.

throwinshapes · 11/07/2013 23:16

I'm sorry. Gawjuss? Biscuit

Original poster
Wuldric · 11/07/2013 23:18

Thank you Devora

It's not a problem I ever had to cope with.

Her asthma is as controlled as possible, but it is not great. tbh

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DoingTheSwanThing · 11/07/2013 23:20

Wheezing = undertreated. Trip to GP ASAP who will refer on if not happy to prescribe further - but she's miles away from maximal treatment so should be an easy fix.

Clarify what you mean by "stalking" - if people are intentionally following her then that's a matter for the police.

The rest is not far off sexual harassment and should be handled as such - I'm assuming the "leering" is occurring at school?

I'd be having firm words with DS about acceptable behaviour WRT women. He should be stamping on it too, he's plenty old enough to understand. I'm willing to bet there's at least a bit of him enjoying the resultant "popularity".

3littlefrogs · 11/07/2013 23:26

wuldric - I have the sense that you are over empathising with this. I don't mean to be unkind, but you really need to think hard about ways to help pull your dd out of the ditch, rather than sliding into the ditch with her.

Your DD's looks are part of her that she has to learn to cope with. There are many kids who have all sorts of problems, including disfiguring conditions of all kinds - they all need help to be positive and make the best of their situation.

I think health issues are a big part of this.

The modelling agencies need to be told that she is underage and the harrassment must stop or the police will be informed. Ditto the stalkers (if they really are stalkers).

Young teenage boys can be told firmly that it is rude to stare.

Assertiveness training might be worth considering.

Original poster
Wuldric · 11/07/2013 23:27

That's really helpful both

I'll try to help DD gain some perspective without getting over involved

OP posts:
Mouseymouseface · 12/07/2013 09:38

In your shoes I would review the asthma and hayfever treatment for your dd as it must be miserable for her.

It must be very difficult for dd being under so much scrutiny for her looks. Can you help her to develop some clever but not rude phrases to deal with it and help her to practice them. Also the assertive training is a good idea. I think this would empower her and help her feel back in control of her life.

The rest of your post is spelt normally. Why not consider 'gorgeous' instead of 'gawjuss'. Not the most important point but it can really grate!

GwendolineMaryLacey · 12/07/2013 09:42

I don't have an answer but DH used to have this. His parents took in lodgers for most of his teenage years, usually girls. He had to barricade himself in his room because they just used to sit outside his door giggling and waiting for him to come out, which he never could because they made his life a misery. Even now I can tell how much it bothered him, he never had any peace in his own home.

Don't know what happened to his dashing blond looks though. His blond locks went south years ago though :o

Branleuse · 12/07/2013 09:51

I think everyone telling her she is 'gawjuss' and constantly getting lots of attention because of her looks, is possibly making her focus too much on appearance in general, which instead of making her confident, it sounds like its making her insecure and placing a massive amount of importance on whether she is pretty or not,which is not healthy.