Being 'present'

[RiotsNotDiets]

DD is 2.5, and I am a single parent.

I recently separated from my husband and have found balancing all the housework/cooking/childcare alongside a job and a degree very stressful.

I have found myself really struggling to enjoy spending time with DD, it's difficult to find things we can both engage in together and I feel like a failure at least once a day! I catch myself logging on to MN or FB, or checking my phone as I just don't know how to be present. I'm often counting down the minutes till bedtime because I know what I'm doing then.

The hot weather and the terrible twos are not helping. I used to be able to respond to any strops with positive parenting and it was very successful, now I find her tantrums incredibly irritating and find myself reacting in a much snappier way than I would like.

I'm afraid that I'm falling into the parenting patterns of my parents, although I've never hit her thank goodness!

I need some advice, things to do that we'd both enjoy, and how to engage better with her. I just seem to have got lazy and unappreciative of her lately.

I do the same at times - but am not a single parent. Please don't beat yourself up about it. You are dealing with a lot.

Things that work for me are :

• not having the tv on before a certain time. This means I have to engage with DS.
• not being in the house. So we go anywhere, a walk, the park, the library. Anywhere that isn't at home
• putting my phone in the kitchen and leaving it there for a certain amount of time. Say 30 minutes.
• Giving myself allowed time off. In the evenings, instead of planning to study every evening in a week I allow myself one evening to watch tv, or have a long bath, or read a book. My course is over for the year and I'm feeling so much better having my evenings back.
• Finding something you both like to do. DS and I go to agricultural events and look at the tractors/animals. This suits us both.

Oh and don't feel you have to put a lot of effort into cooking every night! Nobody is going to die of having beans on toast every so often. If you are cooking, cook too much and freeze some so you have an easy meal for another day.

Thanks Jolly Beans on toast tonight then

You know OP you're not Superwoman. Allow yourself the odd break. Take up any offers of childcare from family or friends. If you are on good terms with your ex, does he have DD round? Are the in-laws in touch?

JollyShortGiant has already given good tips.

When it's just you and DD, it's all right to incorporate Quiet Time or keep a Mum Only zone. Enquire about local resources, see what's on offer. If you can pay for it, seek childcare or domestic help. Lots of parenting is messy, some it thankless, quite a lot of it tedious. If finances stretch, maybe a trip away? Try a UK holiday or go abroad, plan ahead and stay in your comfort zone, but build up, grow in confidence at home, then see what you fancy. People can be very friendly and helpful if they see you are on your own with an infant.

With DD on a regular basis, little spells of activity, affordable but as varied as you can bear. Mothers & Toddlers, music, dance, gym for tots, massage; outdoors, swimming, petting zoo, ponies, art/clay play; public transport, galleries, beach, city farm, wellies on and a muddy walk collecting sticks and leaves and feathers for later.

A big box or small basket of textures and colours, something to empty out and examine while you are on MN. A couple of saucepans a wooden spoon, "cooking" or water play with a jug and something to protect the floor. A cheap bubble maker. David Attenborough DVDs of animals.

Some can't really interact until their child walks and talks, others may not admit it but won't derive much pleasure until their child hits puberty.

I always imagine that I'll enjoy her more when she's about 6, it's hard to get enthusiastic about the things she enjoys atm, mainly tipping every toy she owns out onto the floor and stomping crumbs into the carpet

I am limited as to what we can actually do because of where we live, there's hardly anything to do, I have to rely on public transport to get anywhere, which is expensive. And I'm pretty skint. Unfortunately I'm stuck here until I finish uni next year and get a job.

I do have quite a lot of help, she goes to nursery twice a week and goes to her dad's but tbh that makes me feel even worse that I'm not doing very well, especially as people with no support at all seem to love having kids.

I'm sure everyone feels like this from time to time, but recently I just feel like a bit of a shit mother.

Oh god, this has turned into a right pity party!

MN is good for that though. You can have a good moan on here without being judged in the way you are in real life.

Everyone feels like this sometimes. And you're dealing with a lot more at the moment than most of us have to.

DS is beginning to be able to spot the first letter of his name, so next week I plan a walk round our village looking for the letter H in the street signs. And we'll maybe post ourselves a letter. For toddlers, things to do can be really basic and cost very little :) There's a website with suggestions somewhere - I'll have a look and see if I can find it.

Thanks Jolly I feel a bit better just getting it all out actually!

Does she have any buddies she could invite over? Any friends from nursery on their day off. May be a bit of a break for you if she likes to mingle with others. Or more importantly if the other mother sometimes has them at their house ?

www.productiveparenting.com/aspx/activities.aspx that is the website :)

See, you did right, coming on here. So you're not a shit mother. .

Ooooh! that's fab, thanks Jolly

She does have a little friend, and we do see him about every fortnight, but I'm more concerned about how to spend time with her when it's just the two of us. I just can't seem to get into it. Will try some of the suggestions on the website, whole day of just the two of us tomorrow so will give them a go then.

thanks everyone, I feel a lot better now

I have a similar aged daughter and despite me spending a fortune on classes and things for her the things she seems to like the most are going to the park and playing in the garden. Outdoor free play I imagine it's called.

I remember the things I liked to do best as a child were walking in rusty leaves, running a stick down my neighbours metal fence and posting letters. Really simple stuff.

At the moment my DD seems to be endlessly entertained by being out in the garden - a tub of water and a small watering can are the main props. We also go to the park lots - there is a large sandy area so we take her bucket and spade.
Another Mum said to me recently that all it takes to keep them occupied is water and sand, that seems to be almost true here!

What's wrong with logging onto MN or checking Facebook occasionally? MN would be a lot emptier if mums spent their entire day devoted to their kids! Let her play by herself while you MN for as long as she wants, independent play and entertaining themselves is fine. But also have some dedicated 1-1 time throughout the day.

The reason you can't get into it is not because youre a shit mother, but because toddlers are mind-numbingly dull

They are sweet, funny, amazing, beautiful, but essentially, BORING.

It gets so much better as they get older.

Just grit your teeth and smile and play and act delighted every time she brings you another piece of fluff she found under the sofa, and before you know it, you'll be able to hold an actual conversation and it will be so much more interesting.