I am officially the shittest mother on the planet

[PipIsOutNow]

I am sat here in tears completely hating myself and I dont know what to do. I seriously cant cope anymore. I have 2 ds one is nearly 3 the other is 6 months. My 3 year old has only just started sleeping through and his brother has me up nearly all night. I have no help or support. I have no energy or motivation. Im down because I've put on so much weight but then all I do is comfort eat. I know I should be grateful that I have 2 healthy boys but I hate my life right now. All I do is shout and I really doubt my ability as a mum. I have no patience anymore and I hate the person I've become. I don't know how yo get through this nightmare that is my life. Please help

Your not shit, kids are very hard! I have 2 DS aged just turned 3 and 21 months and sometimes feel like I cant cope either. Sleep deprivation is pure torture and neither of mine sleep through the night yet but I have high hopes for feeling much better when they do. No great advice just wanted you to know you are not on your own in feeling this way.

Hell! I didn't get to vote! I think if I did I'd vote for someone who doesn't give a cock about their kids rather than someone who is clearly exhausted, overwrought, handling 2 tiny kids and uses what I guess must be the only spare minute you've had today to post ona forum asking for advice. So no sorry, you don't win . Who's helping you at home?

I have no help at home. Dp works very long hours so when he's not working he's in bed. So I'm on my own for the majority of the time. I just soend all my time feeling sorry for my boys for ending up with such a crap mother. Im no fun at all and just have no energy to motivate myself to do anything. I cant see any way out and really don't know what I can do except carry on

There are 7 mornings a week - sit your DP down and tell him you need more sleep and support or else he will need to find a nanny and housekeeper . You should reclaim ONE at least of those mornings a week to have a better /longer sleep and recharge your batteries. Everything seems more overwhelming when you're tired.

Is it worth having a chat with your HV to find out what support might be available in your area (homestart etc) and once your 2 year old is a little older he can start preschool to give you a bit of a break?

Caring for young kids is hard work some days and you are definitely NOT a shit mum if you are seeking advice when you are feeling overwhelmed.

Do you have any family/friends living near to you who you could ask for help? If you ask people for something specific it's easier to get them to agree e.g. "I'm shattered at the moment, what I really need is someone to play with the boys for an hour or so while I blitz the house - could you help me?" vs "oh I feel like I'm not on top of XYZ" where it's too vague and people won't necessarily realise what they could do to help you!

One final thought - have you had your iron and thyroid levels tested? Problems with either can leave you feeling really run down.

It won't always be like this [cuppa]

This could have been me posting 20 years ago. I was in a practically identical situation. Not only that, my in-laws used to come and park themselves in my house whenever they felt like it, then want food and drinks making, TV on all the time etc.

What I found helped was to just drag myself up early with the dc, put the baby in the pram and head for the park. I walked everywhere, and DS1 walked too.

We took picnics, a ball, anything to encourage DS1 to run around. We could go to the same park every day - when they are little they don't get bored with it.

We would get home for lunch time and usually, if we had walked enough miles, DS1 would sleep for at least an hour, and I would get into bed with DS2, feed him and we would all sleep for an hour.

In the afternoon I would repeat the process.

I lost 2 stone because I walked about 10 miles every day. If we didn't get out and walk every day, DS1 would not sleep. At first I was shattered, but the longer we did it, the easier it got.

Being outside in the sunshine and the fresh air is the best thing you can do. It makes the DC much calmer and better tempered.

Hang in there it does get better.

Pip I felt like this when my youngest was 6 months. I too have 2 boys with a 3 year age gap and DH was trying to get his business off the ground so he was never around. I had no support from anyone else, I was exhausted beyond belief and I used to hope that I would go to sleep at night and not wake up in the morning. Life really was that bad .... a living hell. All I did was snap at my 3 year old and sit and cry. This was a year ago and I really was in the darkest place I've ever been and I hated myself and felt like I didn't deserve my boys because all I did was grumble. |I really could not cope at all. But the good news is, it gets easier and it gets better. A year on and I'm so happy now. I too felt like a crap mother and looking back I probably wasn't the best mother, but when you have a baby and a little one it is bloody hard, don't care what anyone says, it's blood, sweat and tears. You sound exactly how I felt a year ago - exhausted, desperate and can't see any light at the end of the tunnel. But trust me when I say this is temporary and you have good times ahead. You have no choice but to carry on, but I know how it feels when even getting a nappy and wipes from the other side of the room is like walking through concrete. You'll get through though, speaking from experience. It doesn't help when you have no other support either. You are NOT a crap mother, just a bloody worn out one.

You are not a shit mother at all! Looking after 2 children is hard!

Do you have a routine you could follow or start to implement? I've found that if I write down a meal planner for the week and an activities planner day to day that really helps me (eg Monday breakfast 8am, 9am-10am free play, 11am arts and crafts hour, midday lunch, 1-3pm nap, 3.30pm-4.30pm park/library etc)

Even if you don't stick to it, it gives you a sense of structure to follow.

Things will get better...this s the toughest part.

Absolutely agree that routine is everything.

It is so hard to do when you are getting downwards of 4 hours sleep in every 24. Writing it down helps.

Also - shop online. There was no online anything when mine were that age, and DS1 would have a melt down if we went anywhere near a supermarket. I had to shop locally and buy what I could put under the pram every day.

Online shopping would have been a godsend.

We lived on pasta, salad and sandwiches, and I only ever tried to accomplish one task a day. Just looking after the DC is a full time job.

Keeping them out of the house as much as possible does cut down on the mess - even if it is just eating lunch in the garden.

There is no tiredness like it, but just focus on getting through one day at a time. It will get better.

Just had to let you know you're not alone and my experience is just like yours and HullMum. I have two boys one is 3 and a half and the other is nearly 2. I have never felt exhaustion like it. I just managed via the controlled crying method to get my eldest to sleep through just before my second was born. My second boy has never slept well getting up three to four times a night. Up until about two months ago I hadn't had a full nights uninterrupted sleep for three years! Just like HullMum and yourself, I have no family to help and my partner was working so much overtime to keep us afloat financially, I had to do everything on my own. However, finally after feeling like I was wading through treacle, snappy and grumpy to my boys, things are finally getting better. My second is now sleeping better, I've had a couple of months of sleeping through most nights and I feel like a different person. Things also improved for me when my son got his 15hours free nursery, it really helped to be able to drop him off at nursery and just deal solely with my other son. There are still tough days, but it really does get easier as they get older. Please don't give up, you will make it through, take each day as it comes. Also and I know everyone says this but getting out and about really does help my moods no end. I appreciate there are days when you feel like you can barely put one foot in front of another but getting the kids out, finding a toddler group where you can let the kids loose and sit and have a cuppa and share your feelings with other mums can really help. Alternatively just getting out into a local park makes me feel better and oddly, doing the walk to the park and getting out actually makes me feel more energetic. Also, probably not relevant to you but I was taking the Pill Microgynon and felt that it was having an adverse affect on my moods.. I told my Dr about this and he said that particular pill can cause bad mood swings, he changed my pill type and it has had a significant positive effect so that I am not so snappy. Hang in there, you will get through this.

Thank you all for your replies, it really means a lot. I seem to be my own worst enemy at the moment! I know all the things I should be doing but it's finding the energy to do it. I'm going to try and get to the park today at least. Days are so long and lonely when you're a SAHM aren't they. Is it worth going to see the gp about my energy levels?

any parent & toddler groups nearby?
the fact you worry about being a crap mother shows you're not

Definitely worth getting a check-up about the energy levels. I put my tiredness entirely down to sleep-deprivation, it turned out that I was anaemic as well, and the prescribed supplements made a massive difference. Having said, the suggestions about getting your DH to give you one weekend morning of peace a week is good, also the planning etc

And Julia has put it perfectly in one short sentence!

It's totally worth seeing the GP but do remember they are "general practitioners" ...and you can make life easier all round by steering them a bit sometimes, so say something along the lines of "I'm absolutely shattered at the moment, some Mums I know suggested getting my iron and thyroid levels checked" which is MUCH more likely to get you checked over than saying "I'm so tired all the time" which is quite vague, do you see what I mean?

Will you update when you've booked an appointment?

Oh you are so not alone. Mine are 3 and 2 and 1 year ago I was where you are now. IT DOES IMPROVE! I had to go back to work when they were boht 4 months old, we live in italy we have NO FAMILY to help, DH works 70 hour weeks and so I do it all alone. Used to have meltdowns and scream at them and selfharm myslef. Now, have the occasional rant, but its mostly ok. Getting out to the park helps, massively.....
They go to nursery, scuola materna fulltime and I work fulltime.
Its better. SAHM I admire you.
I couldnt do it.
This morning I screamed I cant stand you at my 3 year old, then I felt guilty as he cired and splayed himself on the floor of the garage. Its hard, harder than anything, but, it is alot better than when they were 6 months and 2 years. The DARK years.... we have all been there. NO MAN COULD EVER COMPREHEND THE HELL OF IT!!!

Pip how are you doing this morning?

You are definitely not alone, I could have written the exact same thing. In fact the only reason I'm looking at this forum is because its been pretty tough and it makes me feel better to know its not only me who is a screaming banshee. It's so easy to focus on the bits we do badly, we forget about the great things. Hope you're feeling better today.

Can you go to bed super earl to try and make up for some lost sleep? Are our DC's asleep by 8 pm or 9pm? If so sleep when they sleep so you can at least function during the day. I suffer from fatigue after having cancer and I have resigned myself to the fact that I have to be in bed, with lights out by 9pm so I can get as much sleep as possible so I can cope during the day. I also take vitamin B12 which does pep me up a bit. Feeling exhausted is hell isn't it? You feel like your dragging your body around. You need to tell your partner you need HELP.