Franny? Elibean? Trinityrhino? Sparkle? Parenting style question ...

[eggybreadandbeans]

Hi ladies

Am still fairly new to MN, but am picking up from various threads that you all share similar parenting styles - empathic, gentle, negotiating, non-punitive, etc.

This is the kind of parenting I believe in (all of the time), aspire to (most of the time), and succeed at (some of the time) ...

But today was "one of those days", with dp away, ds (two next week) irritable with rotten cold, and me trying - and quickly failing - to be an eternally patient, understanding and playful mummy while simultaneously trying to get on top of the housework. Ended up sighing, taking deep breaths, snapping a bit, and drifting off in my own little world. Feel I abandoned my parenting values through weariness - and it probably happens quite a bit. Often before 9am!

So some questions ...

Do you find that the focus, energy and patience required to consistently empathise/understand/be creative/explain/negotiate/distract and divert - etc - dry up sometimes, even when they're still very much needed? For me, they're impossible to keep up all the time ... if it's the same for you, too, how do you handle your "lapses"?

More pontificating ...

My mum is gentle and patient - always has been - while my dad, who is now pretty laid back, was a bit of a formidable authoritarian when we grew up. I can see that I have both my parents' styles in me, and while Mum's is dominant, Dad's quick temper appears sometimes too - especially on days like today! Do you find this too - that you have a couple of different parents in you? How consistent do you think we need to be in our parenting style; how many off-days, relatively, can little ones weather?

And what's it like trying to be this attentive to more than one child?! Don't know if I could do it ...

Grateful for any reassurances that I'm not the only one falling considerably short of my parenting ideals.

Thanks

EBAB

PS Franny, the co-sleeping's going well. Thanks for your input on this last month.

i actually really dont get inspired by the natural child project.

\link{http://www.naturalchild.com/peter_cook/feminism.html\this} article, in which a man kindly shares his thoughts on, bascially, the evils of Feminism (all feminism, that is, for there are no shades of grey here) really wound me up and led me to unbookmark the site. I generally found it pretty patronising and unhelpful for those of us who are not perfect. Think "natual" is over-rated anyway.

We as a family are trying to create a situation where everyone's needs are balanced and valued. It is hard. I have more power than the kids, staying at home with them is not valued, blah blah. I honestly think this is an area where discussion and debate is needed, not didactic articles.

Thats been on my chest for a while, sorry for the rant.

tt, I'm the same, I have to follow the GI diet (no calorie restrictions though, for I am bf . If I don't I am Ms Very Grumpyjonk.

NATURAL CHILD PROJECT
Thanks, all. Filly, am relieved to hear you find Natural Child a bit patronising. I like many - not all - of the ideals, but find most bloody hard to live up to. (Lately someone posted a link to a NCP article which said kids need undivided attention. Impossible! Felt a bit hopeless after reading that.) Will check out feminism article - missed that one; not had a good nose on there lately. Can you recommend a more forgiving site?

VALUING & BALANCING EVERYONE'S NEEDS
Like your needs approach, Filly. Take it this is a bit like Non-Violent Communication? We have some NVC books. Again, inspiring stuff, but it takes a lot of focus to do things so differently to how we are used to doing them. I don't consistently succeed in the balanced/equally valued needs approach. Tonight, despite my best efforts, teeth cleaning became a struggle, with me having the (firm ) upper hand. But I remembered what many of you said about apologising (this time for getting a bit tough), and while we were snuggling up for sleep, ds said, "I love you, Mummy." Thanks for the apology reminder.

BOOSTING SEROTONIN
Serotonin boosting foods, for glassofwine, are those naturally rich in the amino acid tryptophan (a constituent of protein). It's especially rich in fish, turkey, chicken, cheese, beans, tofu, oats and eggs. Ooh, that has just reminded me how unusually chilled out I was when pregnant (once past the sicky phase). It could have been pregnancy happy hormones, or the two or more bowls of porridge I ate daily! Hmm - porridge midnight snack coming on. Anyway, if you're like me and have an over-efficient metabolism, you might need to supplement to get enough tryptophan. You do this by taking something called Serotone 5HTP (100mg), available in healthfood stores, once or twice a day (best times are half-an-hour before sleep, as it can make you sleepy ... the less sleepy you get when taking it, apparently the more you need it), and with a light carb snack. I take it when I remember ... There's a lot of other stuff you can do diet-/supplement-wise (see "Optimum Nutrition for the Mind", Patrick Holford - some helpful stuff in there on female hormones and PMT, too). It's finding/making the time to really go for it while being a mum. HTH.

CAN YOU RECOMMEND A BOOK?
Am off to make porridge. Before I go, since we're approaching that "magic" second birthday (), can anyone recommend a gentle, empathic parenting book that specifically takes you through handling everyday potential battlegrounds - the changing mat, quitting a loved activity, cleaning teeth, toy tussles with other kids? Sometimes I amaze myself with how well I do, but the creativity and compassion don't always come easily. Thanks.

Is there an attachment/instinctive/whatever parenting board on here?

Thanks again, all. Porridge time.

EBAB

Eggybread, I don't know of a book that specifically deals with the problems you mention but I would recommend again Dr. Sears - perhaps the \link{http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/0007198248/qid=1149661456/sr=8-2/ref=sr_8_xs_ap_i2_xgl/202-0548513-2519827\Good Behaviour Book} would be the best one for you, Alfie Kohn, \link{http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/0618001816/qid=1149661495/sr=8-1/ref=sr_8_xs_ap_i1_xgl/202-0548513-2519827\Punished by Rewards}, which explains why our bog-standard parenting methods based on behaviourism don't work, and also \link{http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/1903275385/qid=1149661537/sr=8-1/ref=sr_8_xs_ap_i1_xgl/202-0548513-2519827\The Social Toddler} which is a bit of a How To Manual and helps you to see everything from your child's point of view - I should have been forced to read this one every morning when ds was age 2 I think

For books, I also like \link{http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/1853407046/sr=1-2/qid=1149667022/ref=sr_1_2/202-4703199-8095050?%5Fencoding=UTF8&s=books&v=glance\How to Talk ...} by Faber & Mazlish, \link{http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/0345442865/sr=1-1/qid=1149667157/ref=pd_bowtega_1/202-4703199-8095050?%5Fencoding=UTF8&s=books&v=glance\Playful Parenting} by Lawrence Cohen and, for the more challenging child \link{http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/0060923288/sr=1-2/qid=1149667227/ref=sr_1_2/202-4703199-8095050?%5Fencoding=UTF8&s=books&v=glance\Raising your Spirited Child} by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka.

Hope the links work!

I had the Social Toddler (but hardly had time to read any of it!) and not a book, but for all the struggles you mention...MN is pretty good

FWIW, I love having a two year old - most of the time. Fear not!

how about just books by other mothers? They might not be 100% in tune with you but I still like such books.

I like the \link{http://www.hipmama.com/\Hip Mama} books. They're basically attatchement parenting with grunge, fab.

Also \link{http://www.ayunhalliday.com/\East Village Inky} is good

As is Jane Lazarre's Mother Knot.

What mothers do is a very good book.

I like MN a lot but I don't like staring at a screen for too long, tbh. And I can read and pay attention to the kids.

FWIW I do find The Natural Child Project quite thought provoking, just massively unsinspiring, like reading the Boden catalogue, really. "Oooh look, I'm crap and my floor is sticky and my life isn't full of magic.".

\link{http://www.naturalnurturing.org.uk/\NNN} are quite good. Remember the articles are written by members and you don't have to agree with all of them! Thank god, cos I don't. Its a debate.