Why can't I just relax and enjoy my dd?

[superstarheartbreaker]

My dd is 5 and lovely but a real handful. I am a single mum and working 25-30 hours per week. I am generally ok but have a few mental; health problems. Most of all I love dd but I seem to get very irritated with her easily. The whining, the mess, the constant demands, the bloddy mess the defiance. Of course there are good things but I snap very quickly at her then feel guilty.
I do feel that dd needs a firm hand as she is very willful but I don't want to crush that wilfullness like my mum did with me. How do I stop feeling irritated and start enjoying her? I think that my main source of irritation is the awful and constant mess that she makes and her reluctance to help clear up.

I am recovering from pnd and i find i have to consciously remind myself that some things are just not important. When my kids leave home will i look back and feel glad that i had a tidy house from being a shouty mum? Not a chance. When i'm sitting in my tidy empty house i will miss the mess and the noise. I've been working on accepting that for now i am a mum of small children and that means a certain amount of mess and chaos. It's not ideal but it will change. Of course kids must be taught to clean up, respect property etc but not at the expense of their happiness or our

Relationship.

I don't want to be a shouty mum CailinDana; but I just can't stop it. It's all tied up with my mental health problems. I am going to visit a psychiatric team at the end of the month and tbh I cannot wait. I suspect it's long-term depression. My mum was very shouty and i often think of her when I do it and cringe; I never wanted to be like my mum.

I don't want a show home t all; I don't mind a bit of mess but if I didn't keep on top of things my place would look like something from hoarder next door. See my ''messy'' thread in AIBU.

Thing is when I'm sitting in a tidy empty house I will miss dd like crazy but I won't miss the drudgery one little bit.

I introduced a reward chart with my tear away 4 year old.
It worked!
Got to be consistent though.

The shouting at her exacerbates the bad behaviour, it really does.
It's tough to swallow, but the truth is, it feels good to shout at them, and justified! But, it is selfish behaviour on our part.
You are teaching her that if she has a tantrum, you will have a tantrum of your own, so, she learns that's how to behave.

Children don't do what we say but they never fail to imitate us!

I have been there, and it is possible to improve.
Talk to sure start or somewhere about a parenting course.

Well done for reaching out, recognising something is not right and acting on it.

P.S.
It's normal!

What is the biggest element of the mess, toys or clothes? Have you space somewhere to store all but a few favourite playthings and a few changes of clothes?

Have you any snaps of yourself at her age? Try projecting yourself into the situations you recall from childhood. Find a code you can use, "Good idea/bad idea, DD". Shouting gives you an immediate release of vexation and annoyance. Your heart probably still pounds. She might react at once or appear deaf to entreaties. But she'll grow up sick of your voice.

I once read on MN, imagine a fly-on-the-wall tv crew captured your cross face and raised voice. If it helps, next time you're by a mirror and about to give her a tongue lashing, catch sight of your reflection. Is that you or your mother?

A reward or star chart is a good idea. Try setting an egg timer to get her racing against the clock when tidying. A weekend prize, a treat like taking her swimming or a make-your-own pizza toppings tea won't cost a lot.

My dd was like this ( whereas ds was like a millpond). Reward charts worked, but praising the good worked best of all.

Now at nearly 7 she is a lot lot better. Still messy though