6yo grieving for our cat - suggestions needed

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Originally posted this in Pets but it was suggested that I post elsewhere for more/broader replies.

Our cat (1yr old tabby from rescue centre) was run over at the end of May. Very sad, he was missing for a few days then someone found him and phoned us having seen our poster. We buried him in the garden at home, DC saw the (unmangled side) body and helped to decorate the grave with flowers. We are a very open family so had lots of frank discussions about death, and acceptance of everyone's feelings - my husband was very attached to the cat too and took it fairly hard.

My 6yo DD is (still) truly heartbroken. Every night before bed she's inconsolable for ages, agonising over his last moments, stringing together tangled theories of reincarnation, cat heaven, 'spirits' etc. We're not a religious family and I'm struggling to help her understand death as a natural part of a normal life when she's so desperately hoping for him to somehow 'come back'. She keeps saying that she just wants him back, even though logically she knows that's impossible. She's been crying about him at school, and has periods of real despondency about it at frequent intervals. We have another cat whom she loves but isn't a cat that will sleep on her bed or lap. We will eventually get another cat but this isn't an option till later in the summer as we're away for a fortnight at the beginning of the holidays. I had thought she might start to feel better as time healed her grief, but it still seems very raw for her. She's a sensitive/emotional child but seems generally fairly confident and happy and secure within the family (she's oldest of 3). Her siblings are 5 and 2 and have been much less affected by the cat's death.

Any thoughts/suggestions much appreciated. I've also tried encouraging her to write/draw about him which has resulted in many hearts with his name in appearing around the house. She's also made a memory box for him that she mourns over. I wonder if I should somehow be helping her to move on from this but not sure how! She's nearly 7 btw, not a young 6, and can read - I bought her Goodbye Mog and her teacher gave her a book about Cat Heaven. Not sure they're helping, TBH. Teacher says she's generally a bit 'off it' at school - complaining of tummy aches, etc. We've been trying to give her plenty of attention at home and have been trying not to be cross about all the weeping, wailing and general bedtime struggles, hoping that she'll get over it. But it's been going on for some time now.

TIA for any help.

It might not sit comfortably with you, but would you consider getting another cat, or kitten? I only say this from personal experience when i have lost cats and often the best cure is to get another one. In fact, when we lost our last cat we left it a month or two and got two more who are now very much part of our family and my DS, 2.6, adore. You can then explain that while you will never forget, life goes on and maybe your DD can 'help' house train another one...

Just a thought!

Agree with distraction. And it doesn't have to be a cat...

At times when you know DD is likely to be upset can she have a 'special grown up' job to do? E.g. if it is bed time help read to the younger siblings/turn lights out/whatever? I even know of one family where the last thing done at night is set the breakfast table!

Ime the only way to get over a pet dying is to get another x

Oh dear, your poor DD and poor you too.

I agree with the other posters about getting another cat. You say you can't do this immediately but could after your holiday?

Could you involve her in the decision as to which sort of cat to get? As she can read, could you look up different cats on the internet with her? Perhaps type in 'cats' to 'google images' and see all the different types? She could make a little scrapbook with you with some of the pictures and help 'decide' what colour cat you will ultimately get.

Perhaps say that as she will be a bit older when you get the new cat she could have a bit more responsibility in looking after it? Ask her what the cat needs in the way of food and water and see if she would like to be responsible for the water bowl, say. In this way, you are helping her move on from the loss of her last cat.

It is very sad when a pet dies - hope that helps a little.

Thanks for your thoughts, folks. Yes, we definitely intend to have another cat, and involving her fully in the choosing of it is a good idea. She is suffering from feelings of guilt about getting a new cat though - as though it will mean that she didn't really love the old cat...

It's been hard watching her so upset by this, TBH. She got so much out of having the cats around, but at the moment she just can't get past the (for her) very tragic and violent nature of his death. DH and I have both explained that it would have been a swift end (he was clearly hit very hard by a car) and that it is just unlucky that he was young and adventurous and in the wrong place at the wrong time, but she doesn't seem able to take it on board.

What about telling her your dead cat wouldn't want her to be so sad, that the cat would want her to be happy and to help other cats who are sad and lonely. Ring your nearest cat shelter and ask them for help in bringing her mourning to an end. I suggest asking them and your daughter (!) if she can spend a few hours cleaning out and caring for their homeless distressed cats. This should be quite therapeutic.

The first time a child encounters death for real can be shocking for them. Keep talking to her about it, tell a little white lie about 'cat heaven' if that helps (our gerbil recently went to gerbil heaven).
Another cat would be a nice way to move on - instead of guilt, perhaps you could frame it that your old cat would be so happy to see her happy again with a new kitty to play with. I think you need to avoid talking about the violence of the death of the last cat though, that's probably TMI for a 6 yr old.

I disagree about getting another cat so soon tbh. I think she needs time to process her grief. Although I understand that it is tempting to think another cat will fill the gap left by the one she lost, she has already told you she would guilty about it. Although she is going through a hard time I think it needs to run it's course and when she is feeling better about it then another cat may be a good idea. We lost our own old cat 3 weeks ago and my own sensitive dd who is 8 is regularly very upset - in fact I have just come downstairs from comforting her as she was crying in bed.

It's probably worse for your poor dd that your cat was young and died in the manner he did and it's probably contributing to her grief lasting longer. I still think it's natural and just to try and support her until it lessens would be better than getting another cat right now. I hope that doesn't upset you but I really feel that replacing pets quickly is not the best way to deal with children's grief.

Can u go and look at kittens now? They can't leave their mum till 8 weeks old, so u could pick one and pick up when you are back from hols. This would give her a focus and she can transfer her thoughts to the new kitten.