Am I mad to even consider having another child?

[Metalhead]

I'm fully expecting to get some harsh comments for this, but maybe that's what I need to get things straight in my head...

DD has just turned 3, and after vowing to never have another baby until recently due to PND and struggling a lot in the first year or two, I've recently started thinking that maybe I would like to have one more after all.

However, there are so many reasons against it that I'm wondering if I'm just completely mad to even think about it:

• I'm terrible with lack of sleep. I simply can't seem to help it, I just get really miserable and snappy if I'm tired

• even though things have improved a lot, I still don't really enjoy spending time with DD probably 60 percent of the time due to the constant whining, pushing boundaries, attention seeking etc that is all part of being a toddler

• I have never been very maternal and often think I just wasn't cut out to be a mum, even though I love DD with all my heart

• a whole lot of other issues including money, work, health would all be less to worry about if we stuck with one

So, go on, tell me I'm mad! Any advice would be much appreciated.

Well, when you re read your post and your reasons for not having another child - have you written down a list of why you do??

I'm not great with tiredness bloody awful if truth be told but DS is only 6m and I already know I want another.

You have told us the reasons not to have another, what are your reasons for having another?

The main reason I guess would be for DD to have a sibling. I see friends who've now got 2 and see how much they love each other and feel bad for thinking DD won't get to experience that.

Another reason is that I feel I missed out so much during DD's first year due to having PND and I kind of want to do it again "properly",although I worry this might be unrealistic.

Ultimately though, if someone said to me you can't have any more children, it wouldn't feel right (although I probably wouldn't be completely devastated either).

I'm an only child its not the worse thing to be in the world

The grass is always greener. Your friends dc have siblings to love but have to share attention from parents. You have an only child but has your undivided attention more frequently. Neither is better than the other, just different!!

DS may well be an only child in the end - we're reliant on IVF and am bloody luck to have 1 let alone think another might come along

You didn't 'miss out' on DS's first year, it was just different to how you thought it would be - i honestly think that for one reason or another, pretty much every mum out there would say their experience was different to how they imagined.

I had visions of lovely walks out with the pram, and a contented little bundle to coo over - in reality I got a refluxy/colicky screaming mess of a baby and I had to just 'get through' the first few months. Now I have a very whiny baby who is never pleased for very long but who gets a bit better as he is able to do slightly more as he develops.

No, being only child is not the worse thing in the world but having sibling is great too. I hope my 2 kids will grow up close and be best friends ever, especially when I and DH are gone but nothing is set in stone. the age gap is 3y 9m and the youngest is only 11 mo. the eldest is very sweet with his sister, he lOves helping out and cuddles her a lot. No rivalry yet. May it long last.
Afm I coped better with, the second baby.

DD1 would definitely prefer to be an only child. She has always bullied DD2, which is very difficult for our family. Don't have a baby to be a friend for your DD, because it might not work out that way.

Sorry, don't have another baby just to be a friend for your DD.

Sanity, sorry to hear that, how do you deal with this bullying ? How old are the girls ? Has it always been ?

I think that your experience of PND is making you feel reluctant about taking the plunge again. Your first three reasons make me think that your PND has had a huge effect on your memories of your child's babyhood.

I had PND with my third and tbh I think that had it happened after my first or second child I wouldn't have had another one. I can't realistically say whether I would do it again now as I'm too old! You are completely right when you say that you missed out due to PND, it's awful and I can see exactly why you feel undecided and frightened.

The thing about having had PND is that midwives, doctors an HVs would all be on the lookout for it a second time. You could also ensure that you have plenty of help at home to guarantee that you can get rest and sleep.

Why not wait a bit longer? My youngest is four now and the memories of PND have faded a lot in the last year or so. You may find that you feel more keen and then you will know that you are making the right decision.

Btw I am an only and I had a great childhood.

I m one out of 10, all my siblings are not my best friends but with some I can speak openly without being judged and know that advice are genuine. They are my strongest support in difficult times and they are also those who are the most happy when life is nice to me.

Thanks for all your comments.

I don't think being an only child is a bad thing, and I definitely see some of the advantages. However, for some reason I do feel that I would like another.

Kafri I think to some extent you're right in that I just had unrealistic expectations of what it would be like to have a baby, but Mumlars posy actually made me cry because I think it hit the nail on the head. I know plenty of people who struggled in the first year, but few who spent most that time wishing they'd never had their DC or that they'd be better off with someone else...

As for waiting, I don't want to leave it too much longer if we decide to go for it as I will be 35 next year and definitely don't want to risk having twins (I always thought the higher risk in older mothers was to do with higher IVF rates, but apparently that's not the case).

There are other factors as well that mean sooner would be better rather than later.

I think when people talk about only children and their DC1 having someone to play with, they are sometimes missing the bigger picture, which is that childhood lasts for a very short time in the scheme of things, and IMO having siblings when you are older is by far more important to a persons feeling of family. I had mild (undiagnosed) PND with DC1 and bad treated PND with DC2. I enjoyed neither of them when under a year, like you need my sleep terribly and really struggled with anxiety. However DC1 is now almost 4 and even though she has her moments I find her amazing and wonderful company, DC2 is only just 19 months and I love him to bits but it is hard work. I already see them forming their own relationship, which if it blossoms in childhood will be great, but at least I know that when I shuffle off this earth they will have each other, in whatever capacity they choose.

Good luck making your decision x

Another reason is that I feel I missed out so much during DD's first year due to having PND and I kind of want to do it again "properly",although I worry this might be unrealistic.

What if you get PND again? Are you going to keep on having DC you don't really want (based on what you've said above you seem to have a biological urge, plus want to give your DD a sibling, but no particular desire to have another DC), just in order to 'get it right'? I don't mean that to sound harsh, but I'm rather about your reasoning and, given your MH issues, I'm not sure it would be at all positive for your DD if sink into another year of PND.

You really need to sit and think about what life would be like with one and again with two.

I could have written your op four years ago. I didn't think it through properly, got fed up of being indecisive and told DH we would try for three months and if I wasn't pregnant then I would go back on birth control and we would move back on as a family of three.

I got pregnant in the last month and not only did I get PND again but my second DC was refluxy, colicky, a bad sleeper and really bloody hard work. There is love between the DCs but also a lot of arguing, squabbling and bickering. The level of housework increased hugely and it seemed like climbing a mountain just getting out of bed in the morning. I have to be a much more hands on parent than i was with just one. My second DC is almost at school age and it has just started to get easier. I am just looking at getting my life back but obviously childcare for two is more complicated than childcare for one.

I love both my DCs but I do look at women with just one with more than a twinge of envy. I really should have looked at my own personality and capacity for motherhood before taking on the responsibility of another child. I let myself be led by cultural and social expectations and people saying 'oh they will be lonely on their own, another child will be company' and all the other stuff.

I have 2 and remember the newborn stage as being very dark days. Thing with pnd is that it is treatable. I never wanted to stop at one child, and glad I didn't but the pnd for me was the cloud on the silver lining.

Thanks again for the comments. I would definitely stop at 2 and not just "keep on having babies until I get it right" - I think that's a slightly ridiculous thing to say.

I also think I would be asking for help sooner if I got PND again as I now know that it doesn't just go away on its own (or not very quickly at least).

But you're right in that I probably need to do some more soul-searching before making a decision to find out if this is really what I want, even though it hasn't got me very far do far (and I have thought about it a lot, I didn't just wake up one day and think I should have another because everybody else is...)