DH is giving DS the silent treatment

[schroedingersdodo]

DS1 is 3yo and hit DS2, 7mo. DH got very angry. We put DS1 in time out, but DH is now refusing to talk to DS1, saying "he has to see that I'm angry and he must learn to control his impulses". It's been about two hous now.

I'd like to know what people think about not talking to your 3yo.

That behaviour is actually quite damaging, as well as infantile

Of course it's not ok for siblings to hit each other, but it is quite common 3 year old behaviour. It's also very normal for a 3 year old to be jealous of the new baby.

IMO, it is really important that it's handled in a way which will not prevent the older ds from wanting to have a positive relationship with his younger brother. And it's important for a child to know that their parents love them no matter what at all times. So discipline should be measured not PA.

This behaviour is pointless as the child will not understand it or connect it to the transgression, and cruel as it will make him feel very sad and insecure.

It is incredibly damaging. Please tell your dh to stop it at once. I grew up in a household where my father doled out the silent treatment and I remember being bewildered and upset... Until I was old enough to resent him and think him pathetic. It has also had a huge impact on how I deal with confrontation within relationships.

That's awful.

Good way to fuck up a child. I really hope your DH doesn't do that again.

Poor poor boy. Has your DH reconsidered after reading this thread?

I don't know the background, but it may well be that your DS hit DD because he's feeling jealous and left out - she's still a relatively new arrival. If that IS the case, then this will be breaking his heart. He needs boundaries but also a lot of understanding and reassurance - and I say that as a pushed-out older sibling.

What an asshole! Does he do that with you aswell. Id be surprised if he didnt and that this only started today.

Adding my voice to everyone else's. Your dh is behaving in a disproportionate, cruel and potentially very damaging manner. The child is 3! I wouldn't dream of doing it to mine, and they are 8 and nearly 6. Poor boy.

Oh, and his behaviour is a surefire way to increase any resentment ds1 might have towards ds2, or create it in the first place. So counter-productive can be added to the list too.

I agree with almost every thing said here, and I think he understood how wrong he was. By the time I posted here he was already speaking to DS. Hopefully he won't do that again.
Sometimes DH treats DS1 like an adult, thinking he can understand things perfectly. Well, I think we tend to repeat wwhat our parents did - unless we question things specifically. I try to make DH think of things instead of just doing. In this case I guess he understood it. Thank you all. Hearing it from strangers makes me see I wasn't wrong :)

You're right schroed - I expect your dh's parents did this to him. Hopefully this thread will have given him reason to question it and not do it again. I'm glad he stopped.

What 100 per cent of other posters have said.

In our house one undesired action results in one consequence. Yesterday's hitting of dh resulted in the confiscation of ds' s new scooter. He's 2.6. When he asked if he could have his scooter back I explained that no, he was a good boy for saying sorry, we both love him very much, but he had still hit dh and that was unacceptable.

Your dh is behaving like a child. He is the adult and should be setting a better example.

Maybe your dh is falling into the classic parenting mistake of seeing the older child as much older than he is because he looks so big compared to the new baby. And obviously, he talks and walks and does all sorts of things that big people do.

But 3 is still very, very little.

They may have a great vocabulary and sound very precocious, but they don't really understand things on the level grown-ups do.

Your husband needs to stop employing inadequate and damaging methods of "parenting"

Tell your DH he is being a tit from me!

You're eldest is only wee and its pretty normal for these things to happen.

Far better to explain how it's important to be nice to his baby brother and that hitting is not on. Ignoring a 3 year old does nothing except show him that sulking is the way to behave when you are annoyed.

As Madame says, tell him off, have a cuddle and then move on.

Omg I'm 48 and my father has done this all my life. It's an awful thing to do to anyone let alone a child.

I do remember it as a child and it terrified me because it meant if I did something wrong he essentially just shut off. No talking, or only one word answers. But in his case accompanied with the most awful glaring looks. Eventually, sometimes days and days later, it'd blow over and wasn't spoken of again.

He barely spoke to me for a whole year when I was 18 because he (I think, I never knew for sure) didn't like the course I chose at college.

It's something that's been massively glossed over within my family. My mother is of the 'well that's how he is, what about me, I have to put up with it too' approach, but it's had a very definite effect on me in all sorts of areas of life, which I can see with the perspective of age stems from this. Please please address this

I love my dad and we get on very well usually, which probably makes it harder to comprehend. He still does it now he's in his 70's and it makes me feel sick with anxiety although I probably should have outgrown that feeling by now. It seems to be my default reaction though

My mother has done this to all of us. Very damaging.

The problem is it doesn't really address anything. At 3 you've only just begun to learn the intricacies of communication. If you get the impression that communication involves silent treatment (which it doesn't because it's the polar opposite) it's going to have a negative knock on effect for sure especially within the parents/child relationship in the years ahead.

It's also true I think in my dad's case that his father was the same. I'm sure I remember my grandma talking about it to my mum once when the atmosphere at home was just awful.

It's left me with a tendency to veer towards it too when I'm angry but particularly with dc I absolutely don't and am very careful not to punish them in this way. I say what needs to be said if they're naughty and that's the end of the matter.

Sorry to ramble on, but very sore subject for me

your h, OP, is a twat

Safe to say the DH isn't getting the silent treatment off MN...