How can i stop being so stressy with my kids?

[FlanneryAnn]

I have reached the end of my tether today with my 2 dc, and I wanted to ask for some advice on how to cope.

Eldest is 5 and started school in September. I have to ask her about 10 times to do the same thing. Then she still refuses to do it. She is deliberately difficult and obstructive. She answers back, pulls silly faces etc. I can feel the rage boiling up in me. I have tried naughty step, reward charts on a sporadic basis but these have not helped in the long term.
My Ds is nearly 2. I can't leave the room without him climbing on the table, tv cabinet, window sill. Its so dangerous but I can't physically restrain him so I can leave the room, can I? I can't get anything done.
I know this all sounds like usual stuff for the age they are. The problem is me. I am struggling to cope. I feel constantly irritated and angry. I feel so stressed all the time. I work 2 days a week and I am facing redundancy or re-deployment, so this is also causing me anguish. My Dh is quite supportive but a few months ago suffered the loss of a parent, so he is struggling too. I used to be able to offload to him but he is so distant these days.
I miss my old life sometimes and wish for a simpler time when I was happy. My kids are lovely and I am so lucky but I feel like I am going to ruin their childhoods with my inability to parent.

You've got a lot on your plate. Do try and go easy on yourself.

With the nearly 2 year old, I would accept to some degree that they need closer supervision. Also make the living room safe - we removed bookshelves and coffee tables for this reason. We've got stairs gates elsewhere. So I can leave the two briefly but generally I prefer that the youngest comes with me.

Pick your battles with the eldest. Try sticker chats consistently but only for a few things otherwise it loses its power. Let some stuff go. Be positive about things she does do. And try and smile smile smile. Fake it!

Also what can you do about your work situation? Any friends you can off load too? Can you job hunt for something else?

You poor thing - you've got a lot on.

I would recommend the 7 habits of highly effective families and how to talk so kids will listen.

With the 5 year old is there a way you can break the cycle of shouting orders/being ignored? (I speak as a parent who insisted one of the DCs have their hearing retested as I didn't believe they weren't impaired!). Is there an opportunity to go for a walk and just listen to her with your full attention? Or next time ask her what she thinks or what she coukd do, or even what needs to happen next (brushing teeth or tidying room etc)

Hello Flannery, no advice, but handholding. My DC are much the same ages, although my nearly-5 yo missed out on going to school by a few days last year (birthday first week of Sept) and has been desperately wanting to go since. He can be lovely. Much of the time he isn't! Shouts, runs about, yells, screams, doesn't listen, answers back, gets really pset if his sister goes near him etc. I know that he had three years of my full time attention etc and still expects it etc, but really, DD is nearly 2! And he has to "win" everything - cue massive tantrums if I get DD dressed before he has got dressed (even if he has put one leg in his pants and then got distracted for ten mins), or open DD's car door first, give her her juice before him. It is exhausting... As for DD, 21 months, she thinks she is invincible and also 4. I have to take her everywhere. I also work part time (3 days) and is it not unknown for me to cry with exhaustion and frustration in the loos. And DS never shuts up, about Lego and Hot Wheels. Despite a week in Cornwall (we live near Leeds), a day trip to te Natural History Museum and all sorts of other experiences, all he can talk about is Lego and Hotwheels, and his "first Mummy and Daddy" who we're much nicer to him ( he is not adopted or fostered!).

Don't be too hard on yourself. You are a busy mum with two very young children. Remember they will love you no matter what and they will forgive you anything at this age. Hopefully things with your job will improve and your OH will gradually deal with his bereavement. Things WILL get better. Just concentrate on getting through this difficult period however you can. Children that age know how to press all your buttons and can push you to the edge of sanity! As things improve in your life I'm sure you will find you have more patience with the children.

I don't know, but I am really really struggling ATM with DS 3 and DD1 who honestly sound just like your DC. I feel like I could peel my face off with with stress of it all. I will probably never have another child because I couldn't do this again. I feel like all I do is shout and tell them off. And I hear myself whining at them because I am sooooooo sick and tired. I feel like I'm losing my mind. I'm a SAHM and all I want is to be ALONE for a day. I can't even remember the last time I had just a couple of hours away from them.

I so sympathise with this!

Try making time to have a day or an afternoon even with your DD, doing something nice together like the cinema, a bike ride and a picnic, even just going for a walk or a swim.

I have a short fuse and struggle with patience. When I feel it getting bad I take DS out and we do something together. If I can't arrange someone to take care of DD then we wait till she has a nap and we bake cakes and decorate them or something. It breaks the cycle of me being cross and shouting and reminds me of the good stuff!

Oops, I mean my DS is 3 and my DD is 1. I only have the two.

I feel your pain and frustration.

I have a DD aged 5 and DS 14mths. DD is really a sweetheart, always has been but since she started school in Sept her hearing and her willingness to listen has gone out the window. I actually thought about bringing her for testing until my SIL said to me that it's just this age and her DS who is now 30 LOL did the same thing to her and she remembers vividly going through the same thing. The boy is mad, mad, mad and has tore our house apart. I'm like you feeling stressed but I'm very slowly coming to the conclusion that I have to let a lot of stuff go. I've taken everything down that he can break or hurt himself with. The house looks barren but at least I know he can't hurt himself. Pick your battles with the 5yr old, they can be very sneaky indeed and just push your buttons for the sake of it so if you pretend you're not bothered they do get bored. Also try changing the subject and bringing their attention to something else, sometimes this does work.
If you haven't anyone to talk to, maybe start a diary and write it all down. At least you are venting and getting it out of your system.

My age gap is nearly the same as yours and the first few weeks of school were hell on wheels in the mornings!

A year on, DS1 is normally brilliant in the mornings so I can focus on getting DS2 ready - we have 40 mins to get up, breakfasted and out to CM.

I think a lot of it is practice (they're still so small and school's a big change), but I did read the How to Talk book and have read a lot of MN advice and I have made HUGE efforts to keep things positive and praise the things I see that are good. I make it v clear to DS1 that him being sensible and helpful in the mornings means a lot to me, and helps us have a nice relaxed time rather than getting cross and shouting at each other. He seems to get that now and it's so much easier.

Thanks everyone for the sympathy and sensible advice. Today my Dh fully appreciated how difficult Dd is at the moment, so I have had some good support. Weekdays are harder.
Bedtime was tricky as she dawdled and procrastinated for what felt like hours over brushing teeth, doing a wee etc. So much so, that after a warning that she would not get a bedtime story if she didn't hurry up, she continued to arse about and was sent to bed without one.
Now I feel pretty mean tbh. I just felt like I had to follow through with the punishment. Something's definitely up though with her though as she is worse than ever.

Just downloaded a book on calmer parenting so might give that a look tonight. Something about six stages to getting your child to listen to you. (six stages, fgs!) I will let you know how I get on!

One thing we did was to have one room in the house that was pretty well toddler safe (in our case, it was the living room- anything that wasn't safe just had to go out of there) and then keep a gate on that.