Yes, this is an extremely difficult situation, with a type of background grieving which never fully dissipates, no matter how full and busy and fulfilling and happy your own life and career might be. Know of many empty-nesters in this situation.
it’s the loss of the future we all probably imagined - perhaps without even being consciously aware of it - that we might have with our adult children and possible grandchildren, as we head towards retirement.
it auddenly becomes crystal clear when the empty nest begins and menopause sets in, that we are now in theory superfluous to society, so to feel abandoned by one’s children, when we have spent 20 years of our lives doing everything for them, just makes it much worse - it’s almost like waking up from a long 20-year dream where our entire identity was tied up with being a parent and somehow we subconsciously thought (or acted as if) we would be forever parents of young children - we will pay lip service to the obvious fact that they will grow up and leave home, but we don’t really believe it until it happens. It almost seems there’s some sort of hormonal effect, for both men and women, that puts us in this 20-year daze while raising children - probably this has had evolutionary advantages.
it doesn’t help to be told to just be happy for your children and do lots of fun things with your own life, and particularly not make them feel guilty - one feels one can never really express one’s true feelings any more.
Of course we can be happy with our own lives, but it’s not the same as people who’ve never had children (which is probably why that demographic overall is happier!) - when you actually have had children, and particularly when you have grandchildren, you feel you should be/want to be part of their everyday lives in real life.
This strong drive to be part of our grandchildren’s lives is probably also evolutionary in origin - after all, it’s thought that the reason humans live so long beyond their reproductive years, is because of the strong evolutionary advantages provided by our involvement with our grandchildren.
Now this strong drive is being thwarted by modern lifestyles involving adult children moving across the world permanently.
In ancient history, yes, humans were constantly migrating huge distances, but it was the whole tribe that migrated together, the stronger and younger tribe members helping the elders and toddlers to move with them.
To have younger people say technology fixes all of the problems of distance is not correct - it’s just not the same as actual day to day presence and being able to attend any social or sporting events at a moments notice, have spontaneous family meals, and even just dropping in.
it’s particularly difficult when dealing with defensive DILs, who are very possessive of your son and want them to virtually become a different person and leave behind their family and culture completely, and who would regard the slightest comment about their own country not being the best at absolutely everything, as an unforgivable attack.
When it gets so extreme (and your son has also become so defensive) that you can’t even talk about anything that happens in your own country or that shows your own culture in a favourable light, and that all that sort of news is completely ignored as if it’s a complete no-no - then it’s really shocking.
To have the feeling that your DIL (or SIL, as in one case I know) wouldn’t have the slightest care in the world - or would even be happy - if their in-laws suddenly died and they and their children would never have to see them again - that’s a terrible feeling.
Then of course there’s the huge expense of travel and accomodation to see them and be near them for any length of time - and the dread of a future where that travel won’t be possible due to financial or health reasons.
Even worse when the other parents-in-law live near your expat child, have a house with everything and unlimited financial resources, pay for (and require attendance at) frequent family holidays - so it’s impossible to compete with that, not only from a distance but also with the huge expense of travel.
There’s the feeling that the in-laws are actually buying your adult child - and that’s mixed with a bit of anger that your child is allowing themselves to be bought, and with an inability to hint at such a feeling because it will be interpreted as churlish.
Our adult children, of course, are in that 20-year dream state of being parents, that they think will never end, and they can’t even imagine that they themselves will be empty nesters and their own children might do the same thing to them as they have done to their own parents. They don’t think it could happen to them! So they’re not even understanding that the way their children see them treating their own parents, is exactly what they are modelling for their own children to behave as adults.
And that hasn't even touched the tip of the iceberg - because it’s other family members who are missing out as well - adult children are already quite disengaged from our parents, their elderly grandparents (who have been so wonderful to them when they were children), even when living nearby - this is SO much worse when they are living overseas, and incredibly unfair on your elderly parents who deserve so much better at such a late stage in life.