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Our kids don't get on. What do I do?

2 replies

aquababe · 27/06/2013 12:28

I have had a friend since childhood, but in the last few years things have become more difficult. This is pretty much since having kids. One of the problems is the vastly differing Parenting styles. My DH & I are pretty relaxed about most things, but very up on fairness & equality. If I can't give it to all I won't give it. My Friend's OH is very strict on manners & somethings, but is a bit too happy to tell other peoples kids off, where as my friend is very relaxed and lets her kids (in her own words) get away with things as they don't listen to her. This was fine when our kids were young. We all just accepted our differing styles to a certain extent. the problem is now my DD is 7 she keeps getting upset at what she sees as unfairness. Just little things really,eg. She'll give her dd(5) the only chocolate cake and my dd gets upset because she would have liked it, my dd not being allowed to play with certain 'favourite' toys at their house, but being made to share all her toys when at ours. Now my dd has taken a (possibly irrational) dislike to their ds(3). He is very annoying, disruptive and disobedient (won't do a thing my friend tells him to or not to), but my dd seems to be preempting his behaviour and just getting cross with him before he's even done anything wrong. I've tried speaking to her, but she just gets upset that he's 'allowed' to be naughty. At the moment my relationship with my friend is suffering because I know I'm only meeting up with her when we both don't have our kids, but that's not very often as her OH works away alot.

Anyone else had this? What did you do? Did it work?
TIA

OP posts:
Are your children’s vaccines up to date?
exoticfruits · 27/06/2013 20:07

Yes - there is nothing to say that your DCs will get on just because you are friends. We met without DCs. Get babysitters.

Andro · 27/06/2013 21:39

You cannot force your children to be friends (you can insist on certain standards of behaviour, but nothing beyond that), they are individuals and will ultimately choose their own friends.

my dd not being allowed to play with certain 'favourite' toys at their house, but being made to share all her toys when at ours.

This is really unfair on your DD, different houses have different rules but she seems to be getting a raw deal. Rightly or wrongly, she is seeing this as her (and her toys) being treated as less important than your friend's DD (and her favourite toys). I don't find it surprising that she's building resentment; if you don't allow her to protect any of her toys, what happens if/when the 3yo decides he wants to play with xyz? Your DD's dislike quite possibly stems from feeling that she has no control at all...what would you do if one of your friend's dc broke your DD's favourite toys? I'd guess that she feels insecure around your friend's dc.

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