Not as grown up as he thinks he is...

[wickeddevil]

DS turned 18 a few weeks ago and is a bit full of himself at the moment. He wants to be more independent, which I understand and support, but hasn't yet learned about the responsibilities that go with independence.

He has stopped letting us know where he is going / when he will be back / if he will be home for meals etc. His argument is that DH and I can't tell him what to do any more now he is an adult.

I on the other hand would prefer to know when to expect him home, whether he will be joining us for meals, how he will be getting to and fro (is he going to expect a lift?), how he will be getting to work in the morning if he stays at a friends, etc etc. mostly I would like to be able to have a normal conversation about what he is doing without getting my head bitten off.

I recognise that this is a new phase in his development and our relationship. I can also see that I am being a bit PFB and probably need to back off a bit. On the other hand I am not running a hotel and he is part of a family and i would like him to see that and behave accordingly.

So please can I ask you for your experiences and advice? How should I handle this?

If he won't tell you if he will be in to eat, don't cook for him, nor should you pick him up if it hasn't been prearranged. Explain to him that knowing approximately where he is and what time he is going to be home is for your peace of mind and could he please humour you for a while as you can't just not care. I wouldn't worry about how he is getting to work if he stays at fiends, that is his lookout.

My 20 year old DD, who actually moved out a year ago, still texts me to let me know when she is home because she knows I worry (our area is not the greatest), but we did have our fair share of arguments about it before this happened (when she still lived with us)

Part of your DS's reasoning is typical of this age and a conversation without getting your head bitten off may take a little time!! Teenagers can lack the ability to think of others and will just be enjoying this new found independence!!

I think that on things like where he is staying and how he will get himself to work you have to back off and let him do what he wants without being accountable to you.

In terms of lifts, meals etc, he needs to give you 24 hours notice of whether he would like them, or you will assume that he does not.

I take it he has his own share of housework and contribution to bills that he is responsible for?

Thank Doolally.
Think I am going to refuse to feed him unless he communicates (and I have already stopped doing his washing)
Agree too that we need a calm conversation....
Sounds like you worked things out with your DD is there light at the end of the tunnel?

its strange not that long ago 18 year old me came and went as I wanted, but I was totally self reliant, got to and from on public transport by myself etc. Maybe just let him get on with it?

Thistle the housework is another issue I am afraid. He is actually quite good at mowing the lawn etc when asked, but his bed room is abominable, and to me if you are an adult then you should be able to keep your bed room tidy. Sigh.
He is an apprentice so I only take token housekeeping from him at the moment, but I do know that he looked into moving out with a friend and has realised that's not an option on apprentice wages,

Right, letting you know if he's staying out or not as completely reasonable, as is him helping around the house, being an adult and all that. Also, letting you know if he'll be home for tea is reasonable. However, it is up to him how he gets himself to work and where he stays, he just needs to consider the above. His bedroom is also his business. Just say to him, act in an adult manner and you will treat him accordingly.

IMO he'd learn pretty sharpish that you're asking for his benefit if you withdrew these things from him. Which is what DM did with me! For example, if he can't say whether he'll be home for dinner then don't cook him any. He'll soon realise that it only benefits him to let you know. Same for lifts to and from work, if he can't tell you that he'll need one, make plans and stick to them (even if it's hiding in a cafe).

You can't plan your life around the off chance that your adult son might need you for something. It's time to unclench. When I was 18 (only 5 years ago) I dated a boy whose mother would constantly be calling him to see if he wanted dinner, a lift etc. It was obsessive and as a result he acted like such a brat because he could get away with it. We didn't date for long.

Not saying you're like that, it just sprung to mind.

Mine leave texts for me when they decide to stay out (usually after I've gone to bed) It saves them the annoying phone call at 6am from me checking they are ok I only cater for them if they tell me that morning otherwise I assume they are feeding themselves. Maybe you have made yourself too available for him and he's feeling suffocated. Time to back off and let him get on with it. He'll soon be communicating when his life isn't running so smoothly I bet.

Thanks
I think what you are saying is that I should back off a bit, and let him take responsibility for himself.
At the same time I am right to expect communication about what he is up to. This is reasonable not interfering. No?
And this gets better?

Communication to a degree. You can't demand he tells you where he is and who he is with, but you can ask him to let you know if he's coming home or staying out, so you can lock up properly and if he's going to be around at a mealtime.

If he wants to behave like a lodger/flatmate (which is what he's implying by saying he doesn't have to tell you where he is/what time he'll be in) - then treat him as one! I never cooked a meal for any of my flatmates* or cleaned up their mess. We had a rota for cleaning the main areas (kitchen/bathroom/lounge) once a week. We each had a shelf in the fridge and pantry and you NEVER took someone else's food. We always left any communal area (kitchen/bathroom/lounge) clean and tidy after we used it. What we did in our own bedrooms didn't matter to anyone else (except if someone were to leave old food there which could attract rodents - never a problem I had thankfully!). We all sorted out our own transport etc. Oh, and we all paid a fair share of rent and bills!

Let's see how he likes being an adult! Also, he won't learn adult responsibilities if you don't teach him. That sounds bad but I mean it kindly - I'm thinking of my 26yo brother who has never moved out of my parents' home and he has no idea how to budget/run a home/clean a bathroom.

*Disclaimer - I would sometimes cook and eat a meal together with my flatmates! I would also offer them a lift if they needed it, as I was sometimes the only person in the house with a car

Just to add - my eldest had his jobs that had to be done, like taking his turn cleaning the kitchen or bathroom, hoovering etc and he was responsible for his own washing. He shares a house with uni friends now and is quite domesticated.

I agree with insanity.

Allow him to take the responsibility to opt in. Expecting him to out out all the time is unreasonable and a little bit controlling.

One of the good thing about be coming an adult is it brings a bit of freedom to not have your parents know where you are all the time. Informing people you live with you are safe etc is just common curtesy and reasonable. The downside is you take on more jobs, washing, shopping, cleaning etc.

Whether he tells you what he's up to or not, is down to the type of relationship you have. I think if you want him to communicate with you, then let him do that. If he feels you are not on his case, he will come to you when things aren't great. And there will be many, many times he will need you.

Thanks for the wise words. Going to try to treat him like an adult, with the responsibilities that go with that.

Can you and the rest of the family start going out and not telling him? Perhaps you could all go out for a lovely evening meal and not let him know?

His argument that he is an adult is silly. I would withdraw from cooking/laundry/shopping etc for him.

Umm...not sure what purposefully excluding someone from an event will teach him. Sounds a bit juvenile and spiteful to me. As dies flatly refusing to help him with domestic chores.

Becoming more independent is not a punishment & takes a while to get the hang of.

I agree with no dinner or lifts if he cant be bothered to tell you but I dont see why you need to make him do housework. If he does a bit when asked and he cleans up any mess he make in communal areas then his room is up to him. Housework has nothing to do with the 'you cant tell me what to do issue' unless it is impacting you negatively.

I would also have a conversation with him about safety. I would expect DP to ring or text if he is out late and I would be a bit annoyed if he left the house without saying where he was going! I would never say 'youre not going out with them' or 'be back by...' but if I have no idea where he is then I would worry! It isnt about you telling the boy what to do, it is about you knowing he's not lying in a ditch somewhere.

I spoke him and explained that I supported him becoming independant, but DH and I are not running a hotel. We expect him to be polite, clean up after himself, contribute to household chores when he is about, and above all communicate.

So far so good. He apologised and agreed to let me know about meals etc. then, the other night he phoned to say he was going out after work and would not be home for tea. Fair enough. Unfortunately he didn't let me know when I got home, and I assumed he was out for the night.....

Next morning I got back from dropping DD at nursery, and he was in the hall. Seems his work had phoned to see where he was and woken him up. He (briefly) tried to blame me for not waking him, but had the sense to wind his neck in smartish when I pointed out out that I hadn't realised he was home, and maybe, just maybe he should try a bit more communication. Although I would have been sorely tempted to leave him if he overslept, I would have knocked on his door if I had known he was home.

Although not deliberate on my part I sort of think this proves my point, and I can only hope he has learned from the experience.

He is on a course for the weekend, so we have peace for the time being. I will see what happens in the week.

Nothing's left. I agree that independence shouldn't be a punishment, and suspect we both need to work at him getting the hang of it.

Communication is at the heart of this isn't it?