Overwhelmed and lonely

[Charlotte1984]

Hi im hoping someone might be able to help/give me some advice/support.
My baby boy is 9 and a half weeks old and I feel like I just cant cope. He cries all the time and will not sleep for more than 20 minutes in the day. He is on me all day and it just feels so relentless. I am bf and even thst is starting to feel like a chore rather than the joy it used to be.
I am doing what everyone suggests and making sure I get out and meet other Mums/go to baby groups but to be honest, I come away feeling worse as my baby screams throughout while the other ones coo and smile.
Everyone including HV says oh he is just a windy baby andit will get better but I just dont see the light at the end of the tunnel. Ive tried infacol and have now gone on to Gripe water but this is just another thing for him to scream about.
I am counting down the days til I go back to work and just dont want to feel like this anymore. My partner and family are so supportive but just feel so lonely when faced with an entire day with a screaming baby.

Please go to the doctor and get some help, for you and him. He may have reflux or something that they can help with, and they may be able to offer you support in the form of groups that you can attend where you actually get a break from the baby. I got PND with my second baby, and I struggled on until he was 5mths (I was mentally holding on until I could go back to work at 6mth) then I just cracked. My doctor was great and put me on anti-depressants but more importantly put me in touch with a PND support group which had a creche, so you could actually spend a couple of hours talking about how you felt with people who truly understood the loneliness and relentlessness. It was a massive help to me. I was just like you really, would watch my husband and DD leave the house at about 8am in the morning (she went to nursery) and I was left there with this tiny baby who resisted naps, screamed because of reflux, and generally was not a very contented baby, and it felt like I had a chasm of time stretched out in front of me before I knew they would arrive back at 6pm. It is incredibly lonely and I really do feel for you. Don't suffer alone though. Get help and I promise even just taking the step of going and admitting how you feel to the doctor will start to help with how you feel. Good luck x

Hi thank you. I went to the doctors last week and have been referred for talking therapy. No one including doctor/HV think there is anything wrong with him other than wind but that just makes me feel like a terrible mother. He is so unhappy all the time so feel I must be doing something wrong...

Sending you a hug. Nothing really prepares you for how hard small babies can be, and a baby crying all the time is just so stressful and exhausting. My ds1 had silent reflux and the first few months were a nightmare. It was a weird jumble of emotions - joy at having a baby, and dread when I woke up in the mornings and realised I had to do it all over again. I second the above about talking to your GP about the possibility of reflux - he could have this even without vomiting. Try to watch and see if there is a pattern when he's worst. If he lies on you all the time maybe he is uncomfortable lying flat, which is typical of babies with reflux. Does he feed okay? Does he pull off during the feed and cry, or seem more uncomfortable afterwards? Is he gaining weight okay? [I'm a GP with a special interest in reflux and feeding problems in babies]. I would definitely go to your GP. Also, you might like to have a look at www.cry-sis.org.uk/ for good advice and support. All the best x

You are not doing anything wrong, you are doing an amazing job of looking after a tiny (and it seems challenging) 9 week old baby 24/7 and that is HARD. Some babies are just more difficult than others. My DD was a dream compared to my DS who has been nothing but hard work since he was born (now 18 months) but at 9 weeks your DS is still very little and it will improve massively from where you are at the moment. My son is still harder work at 18 months than my daughter was at that age, but in between the times he is being difficult has emerged a very happy, funny, affectionate little boy who loves cuddles with mummy and loves laughing and running and being full of life. At 9 weeks I genuinely felt like I had ruined my life (and that of my DD's) by having him, and when I think of how I feel about him now, which is with nothing but love and pride, it's hard to imagine I could ever have felt that way. You are not alone in how you feel, or that you have a baby who seems intent on being unhappy, and hopefully talking therapy will help you. Also can you get family to take him for a decent stretch, like a whole afternoon or whole day if possible, so you have some time out to get some of you back? My mother in law was a life saver when I was diagnosed with PND as she did this for me and it stopped me spiralling down further into the low I was feeling.

Oh and I just remembered, we had cranial osteopathy with my DS when he was very young due to him being generally unhappy, and this did help. He had a difficult forceps birth and was all out of alignment it seems. Even the osteopath commented on how strong willed he was and that character trait translates into all aspects of his behaviour!

Hi thank you. He feeds ok, not very long feeds though maybe 15 minutes. Sometimes he is fussy but other times he is fine. Im not sure about reflux as he does a lot of the time sleep well at night (on good nights can do 5/6 hours)! We have raised the end of the moses basket and always wind him before putting him down. I can put him down in theday but he always wakes after 20 mins but has now been asleep in me for about an hour....would just like some sort of break in the day. I now shower at at night and eat every meal one handed.

He seems to be gaining weight ok-was born at 5lb13 and just over a week ago weighed 10lb3.

It's so hard isn't it? And very, very normal. You sound like you are doing a really good job, even if it doesn't feel like it.

I think it might be worth looking out for breastfeeding help. I have a feeling that the advice may have changed but when I bf my four DCs (youngest is 6) it was all about foremilk and hindmilk (the hindmilk being the most satisfying). Like I say, thinking in this might have changed and I don't want to give you wrong advice. Also watch your diet - orange juice, strawberries, chocolate all made mine windy - and winding took ages too.

Don't try to do too much. Having a shower and a walk is enough for some days. Baby groups have their place but all in good time. Be kind to yourself and do what makes life easier for you.

Many, many of us go through this - I remember walking down the street in tears myself. It all got a bit easier at 12 weeks.

Read a book, watch crap telly, supermarket shop for ready meals online, walk in the park.

I really do wish you all the best of luck. It will get better.

Please hang on in there and take all the great advice above. My LO was similar for a while - crying & fussing unless I was carrying her round, crying all through baby classes or if I met up with friends. I would look at the other settled babies and wish she would be like that just some of the time! It made me wonder what I was doing wrong with her. I hated staying in because I got lonely but I hated going out too because it was so stressful with her fussing & crying all the time.

Fast forward a few weeks and we've suddenly turned a corner. She's much more sociable & chilled out, the feeding has settled right down and she actually likes going out & gets bored at home after a few hours. I read something about the first 12 weeks being like the 4th trimester of pregnancy where babies are just getting to grips with their new environment and still need a lot of nurturing. I also hadn't really thought about them having their own little personalities so young but I now really think they do & some LO's are just naturally more chilled out and others get frustrated more easily - it's not necessarily always due to something that we are doing or not doing.

I found a sling invaluable for carrying her round at home and she would often fall asleep in it after she refused to go down for a nap. It's not ideal but at least you can do other things! Keep doing what you're doing in terms of socialising and remember that the cooing, smiling babies have their moments too. Mine was a right handful during the day but actually slept much better at night than all the others so I took that as a BIG positive to keep me going.

This might not be very helpful, but one of the babies in my mummy group was like this. everytime we met up he just used to cry all the time.

We changed what we did so that they could come along. He liked walking in the park so we met there (often with him clamped to his mum's boob). He didn't come along when we went for baby massage sessions! Do try to keep getting out - Your friends will want to support you

He's now a really lovely little boy (and his mum wasn't that scared because she's having another.)

You're not alone. My friends with babies used to invite me out for walks with the pram and I had to turn them down because he would scream and scream and scream.

If one more person said to me 'oh just you sleep when he does' I'd have throttled them. For naps, I found that white noise helped. Search youtube for 'baby got colic'. It's a horrible video but you only use it for the noise. Honestly it was unreal how he just stopped wailing within ten seconds of it coming on.

For colic we found Colosynth granules better than Infacol, and baby gaviscon was like a gift from heaven when he was finally prescribed that.

Keep venting though, doesn't do any good keeping it bottled up.