Help ref lonliness/bullying 6yr old

[Shakey1500]

I'd be grateful for any advice

DS will be 6 in August, one of the youngest in his class 1. He's our only child.

He's been in absolute tears tonight and has told me that most of the time, at playtime, he plays on his own. He's mentioned it before and we talked about asking to join in, starting a game etc and he seemed fine (about 2/3 months ago). But it appears it's no better.

There is a particular boy who he played with a lot to begin with. He's quite popular this boy as well as being a good foot taller and almost a year older. My son adores this boy. But he's really quite horrible to him (sorry to use this term of a 6year old) constantly one minute being his friend, the next belittling him and encouraging others to do the same.

DH witnessed an incident last week where at drop off, this boy and others were teasing him mercilessly about his hat DH spoke to the boys Grandmother at the time but (to be fair to her) she didn't really say much and possibly was a it flummoxed and not sure what to say.

DS is devastated when this boy "isn't friends" with him and begs and pleads with him. I've tried to explain that he needs to accept that it's not nice/friendly behaviour and to make other friends but he says that they all tell him he can't join in. He was sobbing uncontrollably telling me that every playtime he's playing on his own.

Honestly, my heart is breaking for him . I've told him that we will speak to the teacher together on Friday (it's the only day I can pick him up) and THAT led to a whole other sobbing about how he misses me and wishes I could take him to school (I've recently returned to work full time) which makes me feel utterly shit.

Has anyone any advice? I can't bear the thought of it. I actually get on really well with the other boys Mum but I'm a bit hesitant to speak to her as I had to speak to her about a separate incident between her and DS where he had hit him. She was great about it but I'm not sure I can approach her yet again about her son's behaviour.

TIA

Forgot to add, DS is a sensitive soul which I appreciate doesn't help him at present regarding sticking up for himself/confidence etc.

You need to talk to the school not the parents of this boy. They are very young but the school should be addressing these issues in PHSE lessons - there's a friendship stop in my ds's playground, the unofficial rule is if someone sits there you have to invite them to join your game. It works.

If there is actual bullying going on again, the school needs to deal with it.

It is heartbreaking to think of your child upset I totally sympathise.

You need to speak to the other boys mother again, especially if you intend to raise it with the school, surely she will appreciate you approaching her first.

The other boy has every right not to want to be friends with your DS and you need to make DS understand this. However, where this other boy needs putting right is he absolutely cannot influence the others...that behaviour needs nipping in the bud by his mum and the school immediately.

Could your boy change class or is there only one class per year?

The teacher may provide useful insight and also give suggestions of some of the other children who your DS could develop friendship with.

I feel for your DS and you, it must be heartbreaking.

Thanks Chub, yes, I've told DS we will speak to his teacher on Friday (I'll actually speak to the teacher before then but I want DS to absolutely know that I'm on his side and taking it seriously plus I think (hope) it will be good for him to explain to the teacher himself (or not? Too much? ARRRGGGH)

Would be thank you.

Strawberry I did consider speaking to her again (and she was great last time) but I guess as it's other's as well as him, I'm reluctant to single him out and planned to mention this boy as a big part of it but not the whole, if that makes sense. It doesn't help that I only do Fri pick up and she doesn't. Last time I rang and went round to her house specifically. Only one class per year, small village school.

Thanks

Oh my goodness. I could have written this post when my ds1 was in Reception, except that he is an October birthday. Exactly the same situation with hero worshipping a child who belittled him and kept him dangling all the time. One minute his best friend and the next laughing at him, even asking other kids to hit him. My ds1 is also very sensitive and it really affected his self confidence, his sleep, his eating and stress levels were so high. I really regret that I didn't take things in hand sooner, but I wasn't sure what was going on for quite a long time. The other boy does have control issues and is highly intelligent. In Y1 the teacher had a good eye on their relationship and was amazing, but there is a limit to what they can do. It was a little better than it was in Reception (I did things like put him into packed lunch so he ate a different time), but there was not a significant improvement in my ds's ability to make other friends or to shake his obsession/ hurt at this boy's behaviour. It got to the stage where I'd know if he'd had a bad day with this boy, as he wouldn't eat/ would burst into tears etc. It's brilliant that your ds is aware enough to talk about it with you.

The only thing which changed this situation was a class change around. I wish I had asked for him to be moved the previous year, but he endured this for 2 years. This year (in Y2) he is away from this boy, and has found another friend to latch onto. At first I was very worried as he has this tendency to latch onto one child and it went so badly last time. However, this time the boy has been great (he is an August birthday), just normal best friends and it has done ds1's confidence so much good.

My ds1 does have some 'special needs'. They are not massive, poor motor skills (so no good at sports/ football), difficulty focusing and learning. And social skills - he finds it very hard to handle a group of kids and can only really function 1:1 (though he is definitely getting better in this, and I notice this new friend of his is helping introduce him to other children in a more gentle way).

I realise children can often be unkind, but when your child is sensitive, things which may not be considered 'bullying' eg. saying "that picture is soooo babyish" do actually feel like bullying.

If I were you, I would ask for your child to be moved to another class next year. But that's me wishing I'd done that for my ds.

I wouldn't recommend talking to the parents - it's a school issue and in my experience it's better to let them sort it out for your DS. I think talking it through with your child is absolutely the right thing to do, and also to make it clear that there is a difference between classmates and real friends - I think that strengthening the bonds outside school worked well for my DS - cubs, music group, established family friends, cousins etc. it all added to making him feel more resilient and less dependant. Good luck!

You're probably right, let the school deal with it, I'm sure it is a common problem amongst kids that age. Good luck.

Sorry, cross post. Just saw there is only one class per year. Someone gave me a good book about bullying which I read to my ds1. He actually recognised the controlling bit of bullying without me pointing it out. It was weird. He knew that this boy was so unkind to him, but he couldn't let the relationship go. Equally I could see that he was probably smothering this boy. It reminded me of very dysfunctional adult relationships (I haven't actually had one like this!). But I hope your ds can find another friend. The hope in all this is that kids bounce back really quickly. Really it's taken under a year and he's healed so much. It will work out for your ds, I'm sure.

Thank you all so much.

I'm not sure there will be more than one class in YR2 either so definitely need it sorted ASAP.

Absolutely agree and recognise that outside school interests are needed and had planned anyway for him to join Beavers in Sept. We're older parents as well and he has no cousins etc to play with outside school so am hoping that Beavers will help on that score.

I want to scream. I wanted to say to him "Wise UP, he's not a "friend" he's manipulating you!!" I tried to, in age appropriate words but it's so bloody hard

I also think (bless him) that he has taken some things on board and tried to stick up for himself but "they just laugh at him"

How can I tell him/give him tips to stand up for himself when he tries so hard and they still bloody taunt him?

I talked to the parents and school. The Mum is a good friend of mine. She couldn't control her kid though, that is the way he is faced with a child like my ds.

Merry Do you know the name of the book?

Shakey, I spent a long time telling my ds never to hit etc. If someone hits him, he should go and tell a teacher. After getting some advice (not from school), I now tell him that he should never start a fight but if someone hits him, then he needs to hit them back hard. he may get into trouble, but they probably won't do it again. Also a LOT of encouragement at home and building self esteem.

this one

I told DS to tell the teacher if anyone hits him. And to tell if it's done a second time. If it happens a third time however, then he is to hit back.

It transpires though that if this boy hits him, DS says he is going to tell and this boy persuades him not to or "he won't be his friend"

Also Shakey. At the end of the day, I do feel so grateful that I have a child who is thoughtful, considerate, very loving, kind and gently. This makes him an easy target but it's also a wonderful kind of character to have.

Oh my goodness, the "I won't be your friend anymore." It never sunk in that he would always be his friend when it suited him. He even told my ds that he wouldn't be his friend anymore if he didn't win pass the parcel at ds's birthday party. Poor ds was deeply stressed by his birthday party.

Thanks Merry I've just ordered it (as well as the ones about feeling angry/sad/worried)

I'd go straight for the hit back. I would never advise this to my younger ds (who is very unlikely to get bullied anyway) because he would take it too far. I know with ds1 though that he will only use this when he needs to, and I feel it just gives him a bit more authority.

It really makes me feel utterly helpless. I'm adamant he knows I'm taking it seriously though. I do know that he'll be worrying about what affect this talking to the teachers will have.

There's been lots of tears and cuddles at bedtime tonight.

It really is heartbreaking. But it's so so so good he is talking, and you are responding. He sounds like a wonderful little boy.

I hope I haven't sounded too negative. Your post rang such a chord with me and all those feelings re-surfaced. It was a really hard couple of years, as I was also dealing with 2yr old twins.

No, not negative at all, it's been really helpful

He is good at talking and trying to explain his feelings. He said tonight (after me trying to explain that whilst it's ok to be worried about these things, he should try not to worry all the time) and he said..

"But Mummy, my brain won't stop it"

Perhaps you could also use some of the summer holidays to build a relationship with a more appropriate friend in the class. Someone a bit kind.

I could have written this post 2 years ago. DS (8 today) is still so nice and gentle he's inclined to be used by his uncool-but-still-more-cool-than-him friends. We started Taekwon do nearly 2 years ago because i could just see things getting worse and more physical. We both suck at it but my gosh we both have more confidence and coordination now. I cannot tell you how much it has helped him. And as well as the physical side, he's made a couple of really good pals there whom he wouldn't otherwise have met. I'm still going to be getting that book though...