DP keeps having big blow-ups with DS

[AuroraAlfresco]

I can't see any end to it and I fear it's only going to get worse. DS is 8. I don't have the same problems with him at all. It's 90% the way DP is that causes DS to react badly to him, become stubborn, not want to cooperate for him.

DP will come home from work, I'll listen to his interaction with the DC, and maybe the first 5 things he says will be ever so slightly sarky ... subtle put-downs ...smart arse retorts to them (particularly DS1). It's so clear to me that this is why DS1 reacts badly and I just want to scream at DP "Why can't you just fucking well TALK NORMALLY to them!" It's as though he always feels he has to be keeping them in line ... casting a slight eye of suspicion over them as if they've done something wrong. I am so sick of it.

If I try and talk to him about it he complains that I am attacking him. So I don't know where to go from here. He's the only one that can change the way he is. But he puts it largely down to DS having an obstinate personality.

I'm fairly sure the reason behind it is that he dislikes himself a lot, so maybe feels he has to take it out on his DS to sabotage their relationship as a self-fulfilling prophecy. I don't know, maybe I'm wrong.

I would love any thoughts. I'm really not sure what I'm looking for and I know some people may tell me just to leave him ... it's possibly at the end of the tunnel, but anything more constructive that that would be good too. Thank you (I might not be able to reply till the morning but I'm not abandoning the thread!.

Oh, there could be so many reasons for this...

Tiredness (DP's from work/commute)
Jealousy (you love DS1 and DP used to be the only one that applied to)
Stress (does someone bully DP at work in the way he then bullys DS1?)

Is there any way you can mix up the routine a bit? Have DP come home and take a bath then first spend time with DS1 at dinner or something?

You need to tackle this because it will impact on you children.

Why not be specific and call him on his behaviour. So say to him, when you said x to ds, I don't like it because of y. Keep it very specific.

Could you get your DP to do some kind of parenting course? Or even read a parenting book? You could try talking to him at a quiet moment when you are on your own and getting on well, and just say that you are concerned about their interactions and wondering how it can change. Ask how you can support him with it rather than making him feel you are 'blaming' him, so it is the way you approach the topic and phrase it which may make him more open minded.
I have a similar dynamic with my DP and DD but he has worked on it quite a bit and has changed quite a lot. They are still both stubborn though and wind each other up! Sometimes our own traits annoy us most in others.
Is your DP capable of reflection and discussion in other areas e.g your relationship?

Creature I do do that, in the best, non-accusatory way I can, and he gets defensive and it ends up in a fight. I'm scared to bring things up a lot of the time as, individually, they each seem a bit trivial but it's the whole thing that wears me down.

Arcadia I doubt it very much. I forward him good articles I've read with what I think are great strategies for avoiding conflict but even if he does skim-read them, he just doesn't seem to take in/remember/put into action any of the stuff in it. I think he thinks it's patronising to be told how to parent. And yesterday he said it was the worst afternoon of his life with DS. I said, it's down to you to change things ... YOU have to do something, otherwise your relationship is going to break down irretrievably. He said "maybe it's already broken down" - what an awful thing to say about your 8yo son, no?? He's all doom, gloom and negativity. I'm just sick of it.

Arcadia again, how did your DP "work on it"? Can you tell me exactly what specific things did he do, please, to turn things around with your DD? Thank you.

I guess it is a bit different because my DD is a lot younger - just three and a half now. But what happened was that I went on a parenting course but realised that I was spending a lot of time criticising DP and realising what he was doing wrong. I told him a bit about what I was learning and showed him my course materials (without criticising him) and he got a bit interested. He then saw me deal with her differently and realised there were other ways to communicate, he then went on a dad's course at a family centre one evening a week for about two months. I couldn't believe he did it,I forwarded him the email about it but was surprised he followed it up. I suppose in his case at least he realised that he wasn't relating to DD very well sometimes, if your DP won't accept that it is harder. He has since kept his course materials and refers to them sometimes. He still labels her a bit too much for my liking 'she's being difficult' etc, when she is just being a normal child, but he has got more patient and more tuned in. They are both very stubborn and no doubt there will be problems in future especially the teenage years. He doesn't want more children because he finds it hard and I accept this.

My partner is quite negative too when we are having problems with her sometimes he will say 'it's just pointless' and be quite defeatist like you say with your DP. You have to be careful not to get into the 'cheer leading' role of always being cheerful and making the effort otherwise he gets away with being miserable! That is what I find.

Do they have any interests in common? Perhaps you could encourage the to have a bit of one on one time each week where they do something together that they both enjoy.

It is very sad if he thinks at 8 their relationship has broken down, he does sound like he has self esteem issues ( also like myDP) and parenting is bound up in that. You can only try to get him to see that it is a constantly growing and changing relationship that he has the main responsibility. It is difficult to know how you can raise this though if he is resistant in communicating, but you do have to keep trying.