How do I avoid f***ing up my child?

[NoisyBrain]

I'm 29 weeks pg with my first DC and, as many do I suppose, I have moments where I think I'll be a terrible mother. Not in a neglectful, abusive way, but in the sense that I may make a right balls-up of raising a mentally well-balanced child.

During my own childhood I never doubted that my parents loved me, however as I've got older I've realised that due to my upbringing, I was a very anxious child and this has followed me into adulthood.

My DF was very authoritarian. His stance was 'you will do as I say because I'm the adult and you're the child'. It was never explained to me WHY I wasn't allowed to do something, I was just expected to obey and if I questioned it (which I frequently did, as it happened so often) I'd typically get 'because I say so' or threatened with a 'wallop' for being cheeky (we're talking a smacked bum not a punch in the face, just to clarify!). DM was more lenient, but deferred to DF as the boss when he was there, such was the old-fashioned dynamic. So, my dad basically achieved compliance through pulling rank and fear.

I was also totally wrapped in cotton wool. OK so I was the PFB, but I remember feeling like such a baby compared to my friends, who were all allowed more freedom, much sooner, than I was. It was like my parents were determined to stop me growing up for as long as possible.

Now, as an adult, I feel hugely uncomfortable taking the lead in any situation. I am definitely a follower not a leader, and I was conditioned to be so by my parents. To behave in any other way is a massive step out of my comfort zone and takes a real effort. My anxiety eventually got so bad that I needed medication and had CBT (OK, so a painful divorce didn't help!).

How do I avoid passing these elements of my personality that I dislike to my baby? Some days I manage my anxiety better than others. Having a chilled-out OH definitely helps. I want our child to be confident, to allow him to learn some of life's lessons for himself rather than stopping him even trying for fear of all the bad things that could happen. I want him to enjoy life and take on challenges instead of running from them.

I'd never tell my parents any of the above, because I know they tried their best and they'd be mortified. However, I want to do better .

Sorry for the huge ramble and thanks for staying awake if you've got to the end I know my issue seems trivial compared to people who are trying to break the cycle of terrible abuse, but it's something that weighs heavy on my mind.

Noisy, you won't mess it up! Firstly, because you are not your parents! But secondly, because you are tuned in to how your actions/reactions will affect your child. You will encourage your child to try things because you know how it felt to be prevented and, tbh, you will gain confidence in your child's abilities as you go along.

I'm an anxious adult because my parents were too protective over me, this was because of their lack of experiences. I've also had CBT because I'm so anxious, as a child I was too scared to even go to a brownies on my own - mum had to stand in the entrance so I knew she was there. I really cringe when I think of my childhood! But the way I see it is this: I already know that I want my DS to be free from the anxiety I have, so I will really reign in any instinctive reactions I am likely to have which may be off putting. DH will be present at things I know I am likely to struggle with as he is very chilled out. I also think that these challenges will come along as and when, and I'll know my DS's capabilities by the time they do. You will understand your LO better than anyone and instinct will kick in when it comes to making the decisions.

I worried about passing on elements of my personality too, but LO is his own person, he's already someone who is very different to me. Once your LO gets here you will feel much more confident because part of it is that you don't know your LO yet, once you do you will learn about what he needs to become a rounded and confident person. It's something that you can help to shape and it's normal for children to possess anxieties, you can help your LO work through them more effectively than a non-anxious person because you have an insight to the experience. And being able to work through anxieties is a very valuable tool for your LO, moreso than being protected from feeling anxious in the first place because one day they will have to deal with anxiety on their own.

Please don't worry about it too much, take each thing as it comes. Good luck :).

You can't.

They come out these beautiful, angelic and perfect little beings - all we can do is our best. It's not a perfect world though so be kind to yourself - as long as you're always doing your best they'll be ok

Love it.

Have you got a partner?

What is your dynamic like?

Is it history repeating itself?

Or are there different issues?

Thank you wise ladies

Hoover I too have a few cringeworthy childhood memories!
I really do hope that being tuned in to my anxieties will help me reign them in where my child is concerned. OH helps keep me on the level too.

I wish my DM would get some CBT, she's getting worse as she gets older, bless her.

Love dc.
Support dc.
Encourage dc.
Be on hand with plasters (etc).

You will make a few mistakes, god know I have already and ds is only 18mo, but they've been different mistakes from my imperfect parents'.

Both dh and I are quite shy beans, although we are very social, iykwim. I was a PAINFULLY shy and anxious child, similar to hooverfairy , it was crippling; but ds is his own person and runs up to older kids and steals their balloons without a second thought and has never been scared of trying anything that seems out of his age-range (scary-big slides, ploughing into the sea, running like the wind around a big crowd of people).

Knowing what your own strengths and weaknesses are is a very important first step, you already know what type of parent you DON'T want to be.

Good luck and congratulations

oliver James wrote a book on this ;)

The fact that you are even asking these questions now means that you won't mess up, I'm sure.

I think we all try not to make the
mistakes our parents did and be very different, but in the end, I think most of us will make our own and our children will blame us for one thing or another. I guess we just need to do our best and bring up our children in a way that we believe is best for them. I wouldn't worry about it right now!

Take one day at a time and make a mindful effort to be kind to yourself. I have 3dcs and have at times beaten myself up because of "mistakes" I made such as being out of it and exhausted with anemia without realizing what was going on. We all do the best we can, and the awareness is what matters. Try not to over think it and enjoy your children as much as you can. They are amazingly resilient and will amaze you with their personalities and abilities. You may just get a natural extrovert and you couldn't hold them back if you tried! We are all bumbling along, don't expect perfection from yourself or them. The more you can accept yourself the more you can accept your child and vice versa.

I think we all try to avoid the thing we feel our parents did wrong, but I know that I worry in doing that, you end up causing a different problem!

all any of us can do is our best

think about whats important to you, and what your priorities will be
like not being over protective and work towards your goals

good luck op, sounds like a case of thinking of shit the baby will be here soon and its all getting real and serious
I think we all get that before having ababy no matter how much that baby is wanted as its a daunting thing

I think I wrote a similar thread to yours when I was pg with my now 6 year old.

I don't want to presume, but some things you are saying about your childhood are similar to some of my experiences. You might want to dip into the Stately Homes thread on here, if you haven't done so before.

That thread, coupled with the experience of having a child, really helped the scales fall from my eyes wrt my childhood, the way I was treated, and some of the damaging lessons I learned. Lessons which I have been trying to avoid ever since .

NoEyedDeer is absolutely right:The fact that you are asking these questions means you will not repeat the mistakes of the past visited upon you. It sounds to me as though you have empathy and this, in my opinion, is up there with unconditional love as one of the most important things you can bring to the table as a parent.

You will be marvellous at it. I am . Enjoy it.

The fact that you are thinking about these issues and reflecting on how you want to parent means that you are already setting yourself to do a great job.

I'd recommend looking for information on Positive Parenting.

You might find a course near you, depending where you are in the country. Take a look at organisations like Family Caring Trust or ask at your local Children's Centre.

In the meantime, visit the parentchannel.tv website for lots of ideas about parenting.

And I love the book Raising Happy Children, which you should be able to order from your library.

i agree with PP, the very fact you're giving these things so much thought is an invaluable first step! now you've got plenty of time to reflect and pinpoint what you think caused your problems.

i feel for you because i'm in a similar position - being aware that my parents, albeit meaning well, messed me up quite a bit in an important area - and find that talking to my DCs' dad helps. i'm also the same as in i'd never ever mention it to my parents! but my DP of course knows me best and together we come up with strategies both for raising our children but also, and more like an afterthought, ways that help me deal with my issue. good luck, i'm sure you'll be doing great!

You can never really avoid fucking up your kids. We are all human and we all make mistakes.

From your OP it seems that your biggest problem will be that your fear of making mistakes may lead you to make the wrong decisions for your child.

For instance. Myself and my siblings were subjected to emotional abuse from my mother and stepdad. They constantly made fun of us, criticised us, took no interest in our education, never praised our achievements (it was all God's doing) and made us feel responsible for everything that went wrong.

My sister is so afraid of making the same mistakes that she wraps her kids up in cottonwool. She has made her children utterly dependent on their mother. She doesn't encourage them to have any outside interests, she takes the blame fully if they fail at school, she caters to their every whim and is over-bearing and over-protective. As a result her eldest is quite spoilt and demands that everything goes her way; her son has no ambition, no job, no friends and is dependent on his mother to make his every decision and her two youngest are still treated like children despite the fact they are both well into their teens.

I think you need to accept that you will make mistakes. It's not the end of the world however as parenthood is a learning curve.

Have you thought about going on a parenting course? These courses often deal with common problems such as discipline, sleep, food, etc and by learning how to deal with the most common problems you can usually nip them in the bud before they even start.

Look at your friends with children and discover what has worked for them and what has not.

The main things I have learnt in parenting my two is that children do tend to push you to your very limits.

Always say sorry if you lose your temper with them. Always look for something to praise in your child. Never over-reason with a child (explaining the dangers of traffic is lost on a 3yo so you need to just tell them not to run into the road or they will get run over, they don't need to hear a tirade about car drivers), set boundaries and stick with them, never threaten a punishment that you can't follow through on, spend quality time with them every day, never expect too much from them (be aware of their limitations), never compare them and always try to see things from their perspective.

Above all, don't let your fear of doing something wrong, interfere with your enjoyment of your child.

Agree with TheRhubarb - it is very easy to try so hard to parent differently from what you had that you give them a whole different set of problems. I can see this happening with someone I know.

I think being conscious of what you are doing is the main thing.

Oops, only just seen there's a whole load of new replies! Thank you

In many ways I'm glad motherhood has come to me this late (am 39) as I have much more patience now, in addition to the greater awareness of my anxious tendencies.

I've also learned a lot from watching DP with his DS. His calm parenting style and the way he explains the consequences of actions are an inspiration (and a world away from how things were for me as a child!) and I'm sure are much of the reason why his son is a thoroughly lovely 13 year old.