How to help ds with his fear of writing/ doing arty stuff on his own?

[DoubleLifeIsALifeHalved]

Rather annoyingly nursery have pushed writing too hard, and poor ds is really worried about it. Grrrrrrrrr.

He's 3 yrs and 2 months and i haven't done any letters or writing at home as I am a firm believer in not pushing formal stuff too early. He goes to nursery two days a week and a nanny the other days.

I realised there was a problem when I asked ds to help me 'write' a fathers day card and he ran away poor love... I explained to him he could draw a picture or anything he wanted but he refused point blank, which was odd so I investigated a bit further and realised there is a bigger problem happening..,

He's scared of doing letters but also, he won't draw or paint anything on his own either. He does one mark, like a line or a bit of a circle, then says 'you do it' and gets upset if I suggest he does a bit more.

I think this has happened as so much of stuff at nursery is where he does a tiny bit and they finish it off then tell them its the childs own work... and our nanny only does stuff like stickers and colouring in, helping him as well.

So nothing where he gets the space and non directive/ non judging about the end result... My thinking is that this lack of independence / 'owning the page' is what's led to him panicking about writing.

So what can I do with him to:

1. Get him confident doing his own painting / drawing?
2. Get him less scared about letters?

My DS1 was like this, right up until he started school. All I got from him was 'you do it'. Nobody pushed him, but he wasn't willing to experiment at all, ad thought he was doing it 'wrong'.

I would back off completely, don't try anything like it at home. leave pens and paper around and he might have a go at some stage, but otherwise, steer well clear.

Have a word with nursery and tell them to back off too, and leave him be.

Come back to it when he's older. School will have experience in dealing with this kind of thing, so I'd leave it until then.

Ds1 picked things up really well once he started school and is now flourishing there, so please don't think he's scarred for life.

Thanks, it's quite frustrating as he wasn't like this at all 6 mths ago, and he's very externally focused, so wants to please people and I think that makes him very set up to fear failing in some way, poor love!

I don't know whether to back off completely, or try and address it in a gentle way to counterbalance nurserys ham fisted attempts?!

I have no hope nursery will back off as they are very performance focused and think they know best about everything (a separate problem I'm deciding whether it's worth moving him or waiting for preschool - I'm speaking to them tonight about it anyway)

DS (almost 3) is also a total art-refuser - although he likes making me draw things for him.

Nursery has said that they'll get more creative with it - running cars through paint, using sand etc. in the hopes of encouraging him to start mark-making (which appears to be the technical term), and suggest I do the same.

DS is more OK about drawing on an ipad or nintendo than using crayons, so I think they're onto something by trying to encourage him to finger-paint rather than push him towards pencils and crayons.

My ds is like this. He is 4.7. What Jojay says seems to be working for me - the backing off approach. He is now drawing a few things, but only when he wants to not when anyone asks him.

Totally agree with Chunky - ask nursery to use other techniques to encourage mark making, like the ones Chunky suggests. Drawing shapes on tarmac with a wet paintbrush or chunky chalk is another good one. Also tasks to improve his fine motor skills, like weaving etc.

The Early Years curriculum should be CHILD LED. No-one should be making him do things he doesn't want to do. Children like this aren't that unusual. Your nursery must have come across pen refusers like him before. There are other ways they can tick their boxes without forcing him to draw or write.

If they won't take your very reasonable views on board, think very seriously about leaving him there.

Well they said tonight that he's absolutely fine at nursery and 'there is no problem'... Hummm. They also said that he didn't want to join in shape, colour or number activities for ages but now he knows them all. They kind of missed the point that I don't want him to be miserable to learn these things! Huffff.

It's the change in him I'm worried about, a few months ago he loved drawing and painting etc, and now he's scared. He told me 'I'm too little to do letters, I can't do them', which is a strong thing for him to say as he endlessly tells me he's a big boy and grown up and isn't little anymore.

Ah well, I think I'll try and do a fun and gentle arty ish activity with him tomorrow and have a little chat about how its ok (in sone way yet to be thought out!)

if he doesnt respond I'll ask our nanny to drop any arty things and hope nursery listened to me a bit.

It is difficult knowing what to do for the best. I tried everything I could think of to encourage my ds but nothing worked. But somehow, all on his own he seems to have made some progress. He can kind of write his name and draw a matchstick man. An educational psychologist said the best thing I could do is get him to trace letters and shapes, ds seems happy enough to do it for a little while.

I would take it right back to basics and give him interesting materials/textures to play with, with absolutely no expectation that he will 'produce' anything.

Do you have a garden? You could use a small sand tray and put a different thing in it each week. He can use different tools (eg. Forks, fingers, straws, eventually pencils) to play in and make marks in the sand/polystyrene/jelly/flour.

Don't show him what to do, just give access to the materials and tools and let him explore it for himself.

When he has started playing in this way, play alongside him saying for example "ohh look at the pattern that my fork is making! I wonder if I can make a zigzag pattern too...what patterns can you make? Etc etc etc"

Oh good idea, do a new fun texture play and just wander away a bit to take all the pressure / adult lead away...

I think it's the basic 'I can / want to do it by myself' thing he's missing out on, so if I can just get him focusing on his experience and actions, he ll be better equipped to deal with other things