Can't cope, hate son, partner life....

[rascalchops1]

Feel like I'm going mad and don't know what to do. just to give a brief bit about history.
Partner and I have been together for 8 yrs. Son born after unplanned pregnancy May 2009. Partners dad committed suicide Jan 2009. My mum died of lung cancer in Aug 2011.
After my son was born in 2009 , I had PND and didn't want anything to do with him. Had no support and too terrified to go to doctor as thought they would take baby away. Always cared for him as best as I could, but didn't really like him as such. Partner did nothing with baby and didn't help at all. Partner has always refused to marry me and said he didn't love me enough. has proposed 3 times but has said he couldn't go through with marriage. We lived in a flat and partner only agreed to buy a house when I threatened to leave. Moved into house in Feb 2011. I have struggled to do house up on own, partner has done NOTHING. I had a nervous breakdown in Feb of this year as I could no longer put up with house, son, partner. Walked out, doctor useless etc... Now spend Mon to Fri at house taking son to nursery and picking him up from childminders, my partner has him at weekends. Can't cope with son as feel so guilty, plus my partner has agreed to finally try for another baby. Feel so guilty about son not having sibling, age gap if we have one. Angry at partner for stress.

I'm so sorry - I wish I could say something to help. Hang on and I'm sure someone more useful than me will be along in a minute.

I don't understand why you want to try for another baby? Surely that is a distraction from the main issue which appears to be the lack of a real relationship between you and your partner, your depression and your attachment problems with your son. Another child will only compound these things, not solve them.

Step back and re read your op. you sound very very depressed and I think you should start there.

You need to go and visit your GP. You can print this post out if you don't feel like you can talk. They will not take your son away, I can promise you.

Is your partner supportive emotionally if not practically? Would he come with you? If not do you have a friend, sister, etc?

I agree don't try for another baby at the moment. Plenty of children grow up without siblings and are perfectly happy and fine. It's much more important you get some help for you first.

Have you seen the village thread on mental health?

Sorry posted too soon. You've had some awful things happen in a ahort space of time and you are now in a situation you haven't really chosen. It's no wonder you feel trapped, angry and upset. The first thing is to try and manage day to day and that means addressing your depression. Go to a different gp. Counselling may be something which would help you, but in the meantime you might need anti depressants.

As for your relationship, it does rather sound as though this is causing a lot of your distress. Is this relationship one which has a future or are you both there because of your son?

Ok. Try a different GP first off. If no good ring the CMHT in your local area - google them. They can take self-referrals for urgent action. If you have suffered a breakdown already you may well be heading that way again.

Leave the decision re having another child for now.

Ask partner to attend relate with you, if you want to stay together.

Rascal, you should not feel guilty about your son not having a sibling, plenty of children grow up happily in one child families. I had a second child partly because I felt DS1 should have a sibling, and the two boys have noting in common and much prefer the company of their friends to each others'! I also agree with NumTum that if you are feeling depressed, struggling to care for one child and unhappy in your relationship with DP now is not at all a good time to start trying for another baby.

Did you ever get help for your PND? It sounds like you need support for your mental health and that will make both you and DS happier. Go back to your GP, or see a different one and tell them how you feel, no-one will take your child away because you suffer from depression.

You could ask for this post to be moved to relationships,or you could post in there as well. There's also the MH section. Both of those boards have people who will be able to empathise and help with your specific situation.

All I can say is please don't have another child just yet, it will make things so much harder and will do nothing to solve any of the problems you are currently experiencing.
You need to get well yourself first, so that means GP, counselling, whatever it takes. Do you have a job? Anything to help you put your feelings into a framework, or to distract you and help you socialise and mix with others?

please, please don't have another child right now if the only reason for doing so is a sibling / age gap thing. You have way to much else going on to deal with now, not the least of which is an arse of a partner who has "agreed" to it?? Please, see your GP, a RL friend, someone...but you need help. Sending ((Hugs))

I see a lot has happened in your life. You seem to feel guilty about a number of things.

Feeling guilty is ok when you've done something wrong. Then you can work with the feeling of guilt to change that what you've done wrong. But then that feeling needs to stop.

"Can't cope with son as feel so guilty, plus my partner has agreed to finally try for another baby. Feel so guilty about son not having sibling, age gap if we have one. Angry at partner for stress".

Is the problem that you can't cope with your son because you feel guilty or can't you cope with the feeling of guilt?

Then you're angry at your partner because of the stress.
I don't really know you or your partner. But as I see your history you both went threw a LOT.
Are you angry at your partner or at everything that has happened to you both and that created all the stress?

No one is perfect. Not your partner, not you, no one is.

"Partner and I have been together for 8 yrs. Son born after unplanned pregnancy May 2009. Partners dad committed suicide Jan 2009. My mum died of lung cancer in Aug 2011.
After my son was born in 2009 , I had PND and didn't want anything to do with him".

• together for 8 years
• his father committed suicide
• son was unplanned
• you had a postnatal depression
• your mother died of lung cancer
• you had a nervous breakdown

A lot had happened to you both in such a short time. It's no wonder that you're experiencing mental problems. In your situation it's more a sign of being healthy and you just had to much. Then for no explanation suffering from a mental disorder.

This must be difficult for your partner too. Not to forget that his father committed suicide and he might be just scared to get to close to you. For example marriage.
Out of fear of loosing you like he lost his father. Were they close?

Again I only know this of you and I totally don't know your partner. But don't expect him to be perfect while he has gone threw these difficult time same as you.

He might deal or have dealt differently with everything that has happened. That doesn't mean it didn't hurt or didn't affect him.

What happened to him was:

• been together with you for 8 years
• father committed suicide
• son was unplanned
• partner had a postnatal depression
• her mother died of lung cancer
• partner had a nervous breakdown

Don't feel more guilty then you already do. But when you see this try to understand any normal person would get mental problems after going threw this. Also see it from the point of your partner. He might have made mistakes and you might feel really angry on him for that.

But it's not been really easy for him either. A lot has happened to him too in these last 8 years.

He hasn't left you. You haven't left him either. You do say that he doesn't do a lot. But then again you stayed with him and he with you for 8 years now.

If there was no love on both side one of you or both would have ended this relationship already.

take care,
Sylvia

Please don't try for another baby just yet. You need to take care of yourself first and make sure you are in a better place not throw yourself further in.. I'm so sorry you feel like this.

Thanks for all your messages , agree trying for a baby is a silly thing to do at present. Sort out relationship with son and partner first. thanks for all your replies, very kind