I don't feel prepared for DC2 coming.

[MrsPennyapple]

A bit of background: When I had DD (now 23mo), I hadn't spent much time around babies, didn't have any friends who'd had children, and didn't have anyone to talk to who'd been there recently. I felt very alone, and when I first laid eyes on DD, I did not feel a rush of love, or bliss, or anything like that. I actually thought "Holy fuck I've had a baby. Oh shit, I really haven't thought this through." I felt sorry for her, and thought she was the unluckiest baby to have the misfortune to be my daughter. I found things really, really tough, but gradually, things got easier. I still don't think I'm doing a great job though, I feel like I get it wrong most of the time, and that DD is happy and sweet natured despite me, rather than because of me.

So DC2 is due in 7 weeks, and now I feel horribly unprepared. I worry that DD will be unhappy and feel pushed out, and I know it's up to DH and I to try to prevent that, but I'm not sure how. The early weeks / months were so hard with DD, how on earth am I going to manage with a toddler and a newborn? DD was a comfort feeder, and never once in all the time I was BF did she unlatch herself after a feed, in fact she'd have stayed latched on the entire time if she'd had her way. How can I possibly give her the attention she needs if I'm doing everything with one hand, whilst BFing a newborn? I have a moby wrap which I am hoping to use (couldn't get on with it with DD, we were both just too hot).

I am looking at the Toddler & Newborn Support Thread, but so far all I can think is that it's going to be hellish. Is there anything I can do to prepare myself? Am I the only one who feels like this or is this normal? I didn't enjoy DD in the early days, I was too busy stressing, I don't want to do that again.

It's normal to feel that way. The reality is that having done it once, it's easier the second time round. Yes it takes some juggling and working out how you're going to keep everyone fed / entertained / clean etc but I would say that having your second doesn't make things twice as tricky - more 1.5x as tricky! Initially you have to relax your standards and expectations and not put pressure on yourself - so what if no-one is dressed and it's 1pm?! You'll figure it out as you go along. I found going out lots actually easier at first - dd2 slept in the car seat and then in the buggy, and if we went to one of the smaller soft play centres (not a huge and noisy and manic one) then I could sit and keep an eye on ds1 while feeding dd2, and even manage a cuppa. It's not like you need a routine in the early weeks / months even. Both my dc's created their own routine after about 4 or 5 months. Until then make the most of the flexibility and get out and about. Ds1 loved going to play centres so although it was a bit of a fob off - it meant I didn't have to entertain him myself - he didn't mind in the least. We also watched cbeebies / disney dvds while I fed dd2 at home, or else I got him to hold a book so I could read it for him, or put on silly voices for his cars while he played with them on the floor near me. Dd2 is now nearly 8mo and ds1 is 4.5yo. How people manage 3 or 4 or 5 is beyond me, but two is do-able!

Thanks mummy2benji. I'm thankful that at least this time I know how to change a nappy etc, so that's already a head start on last time.

Putting pressure on myself is what I do best, I know it's silly. I think going out a lot might help, because then even if the house is a pigsty I'm not at home looking at it.

I think to myself "well everyone else manages it so I can too" but then, I thought that about learning to drive, and ended up going for an automatic because it was the only way I'd ever pass. (Can I go for an automatic baby do you think? One that just beeps and shows an L.E.D message saying what's wrong?)

I can relate to how you are feeling as I have just had a 2nd baby (DS1 is 3.5yrs) and with the new one at 9 weeks I have a very fresh perspective on this. I felt very similar to you when my first was born....I cried when we got home from hospital as I looked down at him in his moses basket and though "well this is it, there is no going back now....oh Christ!" And felt pretty depressed from that moment on. It wasn't until the end if the first year, when I sought some help that things started to improve for me.
Fast forward to baby no.2 and things are a lot different. I have fallen in love with him much sooner than the first time round and am enjoying it SO much more! don't know why this is, but it could be a number of reasons. 1. I have done it before so the newness of it all isn't so much of a shock to the system. Whilst they are different children, each with their own challenges, I have a little experience under my belt to draw upon....and lessons from the first time round that help me know what not to do again! 2. I don't have the same high expectations of motherhood that I had before I had the first one, ie I had a romantic notion of how it would be and that I would love it 24/7....wrong! But I now accept that and all my flaws as a mother and know that I am simply doing my best and that is generally good enough. I know there will be days when I don't want to be with my children but that's ok - something I beat myself up over with the first.
Having 2 is tough and it brings a load of new challenges into your life, but it is possible to do and actually enjoy it. Some days are great and others are very tricky an tiring, but I just think "well tomorrow is another day!"
Easy to say, but see this a new stage in your life and don't keep thinking about how you felt the first time round - start afresh with your new arrival,, putting things into place that you learnt from the last time and just go for it! Good luck xx

Thanks lady it sounds like you know where I'm coming from. I think you've also pinpointed one of my worries, when you mentioned falling in love with No2 so much easier. I think I am scared that I will do that, and that will make me question how I feel about DD - you can't control love, and I don't want to have favourites, or bond with one child more than another, and one of my biggest fears is DD thinking she's not wanted or not loved as much. (It's hard to articulate, sorry if I'm not making sense.)

I suppose I am also thinking as though I'm going to have the same baby again, but with a toddler on top. Which I know is silly, as DC2 is a different baby, and will bring different challenges, might be easier in some ways and more difficult in others. DD wasn't a difficult baby as such, it was me that found it difficult. As DH said, we'll muddle through.

Whilst its good to think these thoughts through, there might be something to be said for thinking about it all too much? I am certainly not taking away from how you are feeling, they are all really valid questions you are asking yourself, but sometimes we just have to go with the flow and just see what happens.
I see positives in both my children - sometimes cuddling the new baby is the best thing ever, then the next moment having a conversation and interacting with my older son is much more interesting and funny..... They are their own people and I try to see them for who they are for all the good an the bad bits!
Please try not to worry too much - things will fall into place I am sure for you all. It is natural for our first to feel put a bit out of place, i can't imagine a family where this wouldn't happen to be honest, but its life and they just have to mudle through and adjust to the new addition as we have to!!
I do feel guilty that I now can't devote the same time to my eldest but I do what I can and he loves his new brother very much, despite my time being taken away from him sometimes..... I think I probably worry about it more than he does!

It has to be said, I am bad for over-thinking. I analyse things to death, just to make sure I've thought of all the possible viewpoints and reasons... I was my own worst enemy at exam time, I always thought everything was a trick question designed to catch me out, and often had to tell myself to just take a step back.

I'll do my best to chill out a bit :) Thanks again!