had fight now ss involved

[allie007]

me and my partner have an 8 month old son who we dote on. Since his birth we havent been getting on and have had a lot of arguments and ive been struggling as my partner doesnt help with anything.It was after one of these arguments which got nasty verbally that i spoke to my hv and told her how hard i was finding things. She basically told me that my partner was abusive and there and then phoned womens aid and made me go and see them. I did,we chatted and i told them that i i didnt feel under any threat. Since then he has been trying,not 100% but was getting better. The hv was still telling me i have to get rid of him coz she feared for me and my sons safety. Last week me andy partner had another row because i found out he'd been lying to me. I told him to go,he wouldnt and he did get aggresive towards me.I was holding my son and he said he was taking him. I was shouting at him to get out,he wouldnt so i tried to leave and he wouldnt let me and locked the doors.i managed to get out with my son but he ran after me and picked me up carrying us back in.My son was screaming. My neighbours heard and saw this,came over and told him to go which he did. The police were contacted,i said i didnt want to press charges but they said they had a duty to contact ss. I spoke to my hv the following day,shes told me that i must change my locks,get a solicitor and not speak to my partner.she said that ss will phone me,visit and if they are happy that hes gone and ive done what i can to protect my son that will be the end of it. she doesnt know that i have spoken to my partner,he hasnt been back to the house and is mortified how bad things got. We want to try and put it behind us,its never happened before but were terrified of what ss will do as my hv has said they will take myson from me if im not protecting him.Ive not heard from ss yet and if they tell me i have to choose between my partner or son there is no way id risk getting back together. Would be grateful for any advice what to do as ive been told they will be ringing me soon. We have never argued in front of my son before and things have never ever got physical x

So he got agressive with you in front of your son, refused to leave, locked you in the house, then physically picked you up (while holding your son) and tried to forcibly take you back into the house against your will?

I'm sorry, but I also would have rung the police if I saw that.

Your sons welfare is paramount and I can kind of see the HV point of view on this one...

im seeing womens aid this Friday and yes weve talked about him getting anger management,were just waiting to see what the next few days bring and what ss want us to do x

Your HV is concerned because your child is in an abusive household. However much you love your partner and however sorry he is it doesn't change the fact that your son is (or was) living in an abusive household

The fact that your partner attacked you while you were holding your baby makes things even worse

I'm sure you love your son and want the best for him and so you need to work with ss and follow their recommendations

Erm no, you don't wait to see what happens in the next few days and see what ss want. You make a decision yourself now. This does not include whether your EX takes anger management or not. The simple fact that he is thinking about it, screams volumes. His anger is not your concern. You concern is the safety and wellbeing of your child and yourself.
Him getting anger management and you waiting to hear what SS are going to do, does not offer you protection. He isn't going to turn into a nice bloke suddenly overnight. SS are not going to be their to protect you. Anger management is not going to be there to calm him down when he looses his temper again and again.

He does fook all for his child. He verbally assaults you. He physically drags you back into a house. He locks you up like you are a prisoner. He treats you like you are his possession...He might have some nice traits, but these are enough to keep him out of your home.

I'm so sorry you are going through this. You'll be dealing with the shock of what has just happened, of being assaulted, with the anxiety and fear of what social services involvement is going to mean, and quite possibly with some grief - your relationship with your partner is not what you hoped for and dreamt of, and you'll grieve the loss of that.

So you might be feeling like you want to be in denial about what has happened, or to believe that it will never happen again.

Unfortunately the statistics are that men who do this, keep acting this way, and it keeps getting worse. Meanwhile your confidence and self esteem will be getting chipped away at, making it harder and harder for you to leave.

Can you speak to womens aid again? most areas have a 24 hour number. there will be someone there who can listen to you, give you some space to talk, and will have good advice if you are able to listen to it.

You are doing the right thing, putting your son first and looking to his and your own safety. Remember he needs a mum who is safe and well, if you aren't safe you can't look after him as well as you would do otherwise.

Also, not trying to freak you out more than you are already, and your hv and womens aid should have pointed this out to you already, but it is often the case that violence or controlling behaviour increases when a woman is trying to leave a relationship. This makes just now a more dangerous time - it fits a pattern that your partner got aggressive just when you were making changes in the relationship. So it is good to think through your own safety and reach out to people around you, or services if you don't have family / friends you can trust. The womens aid website has some good info on making a safety plan.

you sound strong and together, even if you might not feel that way! good luck.

SS will assess through talking to you how able you are to care for your son. His safety is the most important thing.

Yes, they can remove child if you're not ensuring his safety and putting him at risk. But it isn't a light decision and they won't swoop in and run off with him.

I know it's scary, but the SS and HV are just trying to look after you and your son as your DP is putting you at risk and acting like a horrible brut.

You need to do what is best for your son, and look after him and you.

oops cross posted that you're seeing womens aid again. that's good. try to be open with them about how you are feeling, they'll be used to people feeling very conflicted!

SS can be a very good resource for you, the social worker should be able to help you make a plan to keep yourself and your boy safe.

Parenting classes?

Couples counselling (as your GP?).

It sounds as though you want to be with this man and, basically, trust him most of the time to look after your DS and you, if not to tell the truth.

Your HV sounded interfering until the row.

Possibly Citizen's Advice may be able to assist as well?

i worded that wrongly,we are waiting for them to phone and for the assessment,just dont know what to expect or how to go about trying to make sure i/ we are doing what we can and if that means the end of our relationship then thats it,although we do want to try to stay together.He has moved out and is staying away. We know we need help. What i want to know is what will happen next ie what happens when ss get in touch

You want to know what the assessment will involve. This is a lot of detail but if you want to, read it. You don't have to, and you'll be well placed if you just try to relax (as much as possible!) right now.

What SS will do is send a worker out to talk to you. He/she will want to assess your capacity to meet your son's needs (being safe, being cared for etc) and any risk posed by your partner. They'll want to look into the assault, and any other info about your partner that helps indicate whether this is part of an ongoing pattern. They will listen to your views, they have to, and you just have to make sure you talk to them and tell them how you see things - not always easy I know!

They will look at the assault pretty seriously - it's a physical assault on you while you were holding your son. He could have been hurt. His screaming showed that he was emotionally upset and frightened by it. Your partner showed that he was not able to put his son first above his anger.

It'll take a lot of proving to show that your partner is able to change and put your son first, if indeed he can do this. The worker won't want to put your son at any risk while figuring out if your partner can change. They may assess that you are able to protect your son. Only let them do this if you really can, and it is ok to need help in doing this - this is where legislation like an injunction can help. Needing and asking for help does not mean that your son will be taken from you. Not asking for help, and your partner assaulting you and your son again, and again, and again, does mean that. It is really damaging for children to grow up watching a parent being abused.

Talk to the worker to figure out what help you need to protect both your son and you. Only once the worker is satisfied that your son is not at any risk, can you all start working out whether there is a future in your relationship.

It might be that your son is placed on child protection register and your partner charged with assault. That is going to be hard for you to hear. The social worker will try to explain the process and what will happen. Again, if you have a friend/ family member you trust you could have them there when you meet the worker. It can be hard to remember everythign that is said as you'll feel tense, so a friend / family member can help remember things. The social worker will know that you'll be feeling very anxious though. The fact that you have your partner out of the house is a very good start and shows that you are able to take appropriate steps to protect your son.

ss wont take your son unless he is in danger, they will most likely assess the risk to you and your son from your H and ask you to put things in place to keep your son safe. this will most likely be keeping your H away from the house and having supervised contact for your H.
I say this from no experience other than knowing social workers and having worked in mental health where families had ss involved. ss will do ALL they can to keep children with parents if it's safe enough, they don't just run in and take children, they want to work with the parents to keep a safe loving home. that might mean a lot of work for you and H though.

hang in there and make sure you get all the support you can, I'm glad to hear your talking to women's aid. noone should have to suffer abuse!!

I would also add that it is worth contacting SS yourself while you are waiting, to ask for help. Partly because it will take the anxiety out of waiting, and partly because that will be a positive indicator that you want to do whatever it takes to make things safe for your little boy. Good luck.

thank you so much for taking the time to respond. i really am in bits at the mo.until the ladt few months we had a very loving relationship and my pregnancy was plannef and we wete so excited about our little boy. its been a tough few months because my son was very ill in intensive care when he was a month old and they didnt expect him to survive,my partner had been suffering quite badly with colitis which was recently diagnosed,his business is going down the pan too. not that its any excuse or justifies anything but it has been a stressful time. will they talk to me and my partner together or separately?xx

You might want to think about starting a thread in relationships to help you get your head round what is happening.

For the poster above who recommended "couples counseling" I don't think that's recommended in an abusive relationship, as so much of the truth is twisted and distorted by the abuser it is a very misinformed move.
OP, move on, your P sounds like a bullying controlling fool, don't wait for SS to tell you what's best, no one should ever be a prisoner in their own home nor should their little baby have to witness what yours did.

Erm you can't let him back in the home, ss will take a very dim view of this I would have thought, and sorry doesn't really cut the mustard when he attacked you and your baby.

Why on Earth would you want to be with him?

What do your friends/ family think of him and the situation?

Put your son first and start planning a life away from your partner.

OP, you might be interested to read this thread started recently by another MNer whose partner was violent with her.

I recon they would talk to you seperately especially in abuse cases as they will want to make sure that you feel free to say what you want. they'll also want to talk to your son if he's able.

I know it must be hard but just try not to worry, talk to friends and family, get people around you so you feel well supported. you are about to make some big changes to your life. ones that will be of benefit in the long run

Sorry, but stress does not make someone an abuser.
There are millions of people out there under a great deal of stress. They don't assault their loved ones. Only people who abuse do this.

just re-read your son is 8 months old so ss won't be talking to him....unless he's particularly advanced !!

Agree that couples counselling isn't recommended for abusive relationships but this doesn't sound as though it usually is.

It sounds as though both parents have had a really tough time lately, been having a few disagreements and, on this ONE occasion, things got really out of hand.

OP sounds very sensible in putting her son first.

Once it is established that he is safe and well she also has a right to try to be with a man she clearly has a good history with.

Good luck OP.

thank you GingerJulep xx i just hope ss see that. Still ni word from them x

hi allie007,
just wondering how you are doing?have ss been in contact yet, how are you feeling?
hope your ok