PLease help me understand my 3 year old - worried bond is gone

[FederationPresidentBarryFife]

My DD is 3.5, from the moment she was born she has been the apple of mine, her Dad's 4 GP's and various Aunts and Uncles eyes. Adored is not the word. I am a SAHM and i really threw myself into it, I hated groups, I missed work and I felt lonely and low but she was wonderful and by the time she was 15 months I felt happier in my new role as a mother, so much so I got pregnant with DD2.

After DD2 was born in Dec 2011 we all made sure DD1 was not left out, we were aware that she might find it hard to share us, I felt almost guilty for spending time and attention on DD2 and in the early months she was just attached to my boobs whilst I focussed on DD1. THings levelled off and I felt guilty that I wasn't spending enough time with either of them so I figured things were just about even!!!

At around April this year I started to feel angry with DD1, she had a bit of terrible twos but nothing much but recently, well I hate her behaviour, she is rude, she won't sit still, she is aggressive towards her sister (not often but randomly and out of nowhere) she won't do anything I ask her, runs in the road - again not always but randomly, I think I am overreacting to it though and my MASSIVELY negative feelings towards her are because we have a problem between us. I don't know what to do, I don't know how to fix it.

When I say I hate how she is I mean it. She is very clever (I know I would say that) and can twist arguments, she argues back in an intelligent way and I feel I have no reply. She beats me verbally! I feel so impotent around her. She LITERALLY NEVER does what I say. It is awful, she can be great but sometimes she is so rude and so challenging I just want to hit her (I never have). BUt now its gone on too long, I have been angry with her for months. I feel like its hard to love her and if you met her you would never believe I could type that, She is lovely, but more and more I am drawn to DD2 and my easier, simpler relationship with her.

DD1 has suddenly started acting strangely at pre school, acting like a baby and is completely obsessed with her key worker, she talks in a baby voice to her and won't leave her alone. This is a sudden thing and they have mentioned it to me. They think it is odd. I am so worried about her, she is acting so oddly and I think it is because she senses how I feel about her, how angry I am with her all the time. Its a reflex for me to be cross and I am missing the good bits, I can't enjoy her. I almost hate her. PLease help me.

Aw Fed, when I saw the title of your thread I thought 'I bet there's a new baby'

You sound a bit like me. 3 year old daughter, previously angelic. 9 month old baby boy. At first she didn't seem fussed by him, but the more mobile he gets, she has to share her toys, our attention, our time...

She has started acting like a baby a lot; wanting fed, wanting a bottle and, just today, talking baby talk. I have let her do most of this because she obviously feels a little bit replaced, but I drew the line at baby talk today.

Honestly, it sounds pretty normal to me. 3 year olds are hard work! Everything is a negotiation, they question every thing you say, they want to be independent but lose their temper because they can't do everything for themselves. I get it. Totally.

What helps me sometimes is getting 1 on 1 time with my daughter; sometimes I leave the baby with DH and we just got for lunch, or a wander round the shops and a slice of cake, something just simple. (I can't be arsed with the park and stuff, eurgh)

Please don't feel so guilty, it just compounds everything, magnifies everything. I hope this helps just a little bit.

Thank you Foxy. I haven't posted before but even typing it has made me feel a bit clearer and your reply has helped. Especially the guilt magnifying things, it truly does. Thank you. I never realised that having children would be so emotionally complicated - so hard to negotiate - like any adult relationship I guess.

Me neither, until she bloody turned 3!!

Could you try more carrots and less sticks? On advice of a friend we have a daily sticker chart for polite behaviour- all pleases and thank yous, and no whinging! 5 stickers gets a treat. As for the baby talk I have a 3 yo ds and he does this too! He's an only child so it must be an age thing.

I found the terrible twos a breeze compared to 3 years! I try and focus on his good points- and do activities we like together- i.e. comics etc!

Good luck- could you have a day just the two of you one weekend? Do something to help get back your bond? Go to a pottery painting place and do a mug together? Swimming? Ice skating? Anything but make it just the two of you?!

for you. I have a 3 yo and a 10 mo baby, and her behaviour is far worse now than when she was 2, and does seem to be getting worse as the baby gets more mobile and there is more "competition" for affection. She has also started to pretend to be a baby again and wants to be my baby again. I can really relate to feeling guilty that you're not giving one or other of them your attention, as I feel just the same.

I have tried to spend just ten mins a day with my older DD giving her attention, and tell her I really enjoy talking to her as the baby can't talk and try to be really positive (even of that's really hard!) I failed miserably yesterday and felt like the worst mother in the world, but it seems I'm not alone which is comforting!

I have a just 4 year old and a 16 month old.

The 4 year old has regressed in her behaviour on and off since dd2 started becoming more mobile and more demanding of my attention in a way that directly competes with her. She also baby talks sometimes.

Part of what you describe, the boundary pushing stuff is age related, kids become more aware of themselves as individuals separate from you at this age.

Things we do are dd1 gets 1-2-1 time when dd2 naps. We play games, do puzzles, playdough, drawing or play with toys that she is not allowed when dd2 is around due to small parts. This is not every day as that would mean I get nothing else done, but a few times a week. She also gets time with her dad without dd2. You could also have 1-2-1 time when their dad is there to look after dd2.

We praise big girl behaviour (helping, sharing, being gentle with dd1, listening etc...) and emphasise things she gets to do that dd2 doesn't. A star chart might help with that as others have said.

We withhold favourite toys and treat activities if she acts up.

The one thing I would say is you are the adult, by entering into discussion or argument with her you give her the impression that she can have a say in the matter. No, what you say goes, end of. No explanations. Play broken record "I would like you to do X, if you do not do X then you will lose Y". Y is toy, tv time, upcoming treat etc... Then follow it up, every single time, no matter how hard it gets. If it escalates i.e. Her screaming then repeat calmly "you did not do X when I asked so you have lost Y" and walk away. Do not engage until she is calm. Once she is then give her a cuddle and attention in a positive way.

It gets me angry when dd1 challenges me too, but it is normal child (and teenage) behaviour and is part of them learning about their own boundaries. My positive spin on it when dd1 is getting on my nerves is to think that she is learning assertiveness, which can only be a good thing with regard to relationships.

Just posted on another thread to say I too am finding 3 year old DD hard and challening - much harder than terrible twos! No answers, but empathy (and I only have one child!).

I like this: positive spin on it when dd1 is getting on my nerves is to think that she is learning assertiveness, which can only be a good thing with regard to relationships.

Thank you all of you

I have just arranged that I will take her alone to a party this weekend and we'll have lunch together too. Small things but hopefully we can get back our closeness without DD2 or any distractions.

I had thought we might have 3 DC but now... phew! Not sure about that one. Two is hard enough!!!

OP... i could have written your post! Thank You for posting. I have been reading with interest,and will continue to do so. I can totally relate to the feelings of anger. It's hard... I do find myself regularly repeating the MN mantra "This too shall pass"

Oh blimey, the 3 year old negotiation - DD is an only child and it's driving me mad.

Really need to start coming down hard with consequences as the backchat is driving me crazy. "You said no and made me upset. It's not nice to make people upset so you must say you are sorry. You are being rude to me and it is not acceptable to be rude." Her version of 'rudeness' is "it is time for your bath. Put down the toys and go upstairs, please. No, not in five minutes, now. It is time for your bath now."

It'll turn me to drink, I swear...