Can't cope anymore - Am i the only one that feels like this?

[MollyDoublyBarrely]

Does anyone else just feel like they are going to explode at the expense of their toddler? No one IRL will give me an answer that goes beyond "it's just a phase", but i really feel like i am on the brink of snapping.

I'm a SAHM (which in itself is something i absolutely hate - i miss working so much) and 23 month old DS is just unbearable right now. I love him more than words could tell, but i don't think i can stand to be around him 24/7 for much longer. It's like a red mist decends and i really do feel like i am going to end up lashing out at him soon.

His tantrums are out of control. I only have to say his name and he starts, throwing himself on the floor, banging his head repeatedly on anything and everything, kicking, hitting, screaming, flailing and throwing whatever he can get his hands on. It wouldn't be so bad if they were occasional, but it is every hour, every day right now.

I can't leave the house with him. It's not even worth trying anymore. I moved back into the city to get some sort of social life back and to rescue what is left of my mental stability but there wasn't any point because all he does is throw a fit no matter where we go or what we do meaning i don't get to talk to anyone long enough to form a friendship.

I've been to every local (and some not so local) toddler group i know of and cannot fucking stand them so have given up. I desperately want to put him in childcare but DH is just being a wanker about that which means i can't go back to work or even go out and meet people without my DS being there to ruin it.

So to sum it up, DS is making life unbearable and pushing me beyond my limits, my husband is just an absolute twat and even though i thought my mental health was recovering, its not. I am isolated, lonely and just desperately want some form of life back with a pinch of adult conversation! I am completely alone here and i am fed up with having to deal with this while my partner gets to keep all of his friends, his social life and his career. I have nothing.

Am i the only one who feels like this? Is there anything i can do about this before i really do lose it?

No, you are not alone, but it sounds as though you feel it.

Please please tell someone in RL how you feel - GP, HV, neighbour. Anyone.

Why can't he go into child care?

Molly so, so sorry, you sound desperate.

You need a break, for sure, DS needs to go into nursey for a month, say, and you can rest. Insist on this with DH.

DS - well, his behaviour does not sound normal to me. I'm sorry, maybe take him for a check up at the doctor? To be constantly banging his head and screaming is not right.

Really sorry OP and feel for you.

Can you say where you are? Definitely had times like this. Feels like the days are endless and you 'should' be enjoying it which then makes you feel worse that you're not.

I smashed my hand in a rage as I was so fucking angry at DD. It was that bad..

PS

I had a really, really well behaved DD and by the time she was 3, my DH refusing for her to go to nursery for a couple of hours in the afternoon., I put my foot down.

I had done every minute of every night and day for 3 years, on my own, non-stop. Had she not gone to nursery and had I not had 2 hours off every weekday afternoon, my madness would have got worse.

INSIST OP, you need a break.

It was also massively good for DD - she learned to socialise and loved it!

I sympathise and was in your shoes a few weeks ago. By chance I found a parenting course "time out for parents" advertised when I was at my lowest - I signed up and although its only been a couple of weeks it's really helped me to understand and enjoy DS. It's a national course - see if there is one local to you. Quite often it's run by church groups (there's no religious content to the course though). They have DS in a crèche and I get to be honest about my feelings for a couple of hours.

Are there any weekend toddler groups near you? I pack DH and DS off to Dad's club on a Saturday morning too. It's been a massive help.

Toddlers are relentless and bloody selfish sometimes. Hang in there.

Firstly- you are not alone. There are days with my 2 yr old where I just want to run away and not come back. The screaming, the battles, the fighting. It's really hard. And anyone who says it isn't is either lying or has an easy going child.
If you have a good HV I'd try and chat with them. Would your DH be more likely to agree to a bit of childcare if a health professional recommends it? Or chat to your GP?
Does your DH ever spend any length of time alone with your DS? Does he know how hard it really is? He might not realise. My DD is a nightmare to get into her car seat- she kicks & screams and fights me every time. For DH she sits calmly and smiles as he straps her in. It's very annoying!
Unless your DS has SN, it is a phase and it will pass- I know that it's easy to say- but it is worth holding on to that. And there will be a time when you look back and think gosh- isn't it easier now.

And I would push your DH and insist on some childcare if you can afford it. My DD does 2 mornings a week and that's my sanity. Started with 1 morning when she was 18 months. She loves it, and there are weeks when I'm just counting the days till that day.

poshme is right.

Here's a link to the course www.careforthefamily.org.uk/Courses/parenting_courses_time_out/Parenting_course_Time_Out_+for_Parents_self_esteem_behaviour_boundaries

You need a break, you really do. Talk to your DH - be open and honest.

I am not sure your toddler is the problem but your DH to be honest.

If he won't consider childcare and you working (which, IF that's what you want to do, then is clearly the best thing TO DO), then at the very least he owes you some 'time off' each week when he takes sole charge and you get a break.... I'm guessing he doesn't offer this but I think you have to insist.

No you're definitely not alone. I feel the same but my DS2 is younger than yours. I felt the same with DS1 if that's ay consolation. He made it through alive and unscathed (just) but it was the hardest few years of my life. I am defintely not finding it any easier second time round either. It will get better as your DS grows up. DS1 is actually rather lovely to be a round now but I couldn't stand being with him til he was about 3 if I'm honest. Even then he was hard work but not impossible. DS2 is 17 months and is just hitting the 'impossible' phase now. Not much help but want you to know you certainly are not alone for feeling this way. Please be honest with people and get help however you can. I didn't but I wish I had. Good luck x

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/parenting/1765025-Has-parenting-affected-your-mental-health

Come and join us on this very supportive thread. You will soon find out you are not alone.

very cynical suggestion, not for a proper solution but for a break - maybe you could volunteer to be a bf-ing peer supporter, the training is a morning a week for 6 - 8 weeks or something, with a creche, and there is tea and biscuits. If you did not bf or do not want to do this maybe there is another volunteering opportunity that would get you free childcare and something else to do with your head for a few hours a week. The creche will be just next door so it is not like leaving your dc in another building.

Courage, ma brave. It's hellacious, it is not just you.

Actually curryeater's suggestion is great(I've done that course, it's wonderful- you only have to have breastfed once to be eligible).

Also most children's centres run courses and provide a free creche. Yes the courses aren't that exciting but there may be one that interests you and you might get to meet some new friends this way.

Do you have any family support nearby that could help out from time to time?

I just want to thank you all for your advice and support - its lovely to see that there ARE lovely, supportive mothers out there who understand that this is difficult!

I think i may have made the tantrums sound a little worse than they are - i ran out of anti-d's on Tuesday and only picked up more this morning sorry for my massive wobble everyone.

But even with the medication i find it difficult to cope with him!

somersethouse - Thats just it, i need some sanity back and having just an hour or 2 to myself would do and my son needs to socialise with other children! I truly believe that seeing how other children are and being under the authority of someone else will help him, but according to DH thats "our job and no one elses"

Curiositykilledthecrap - I live in Norwich. I can totally sympathise with the explosive, head bangingly intense rage and pure heartbreak that i should be enjoying this parenting lark, and at the moment i'm just not.

poshme - I am between GP's at the moment having moved recently (hence the prescription cock up) but i will run it by my new doctor when i meet them. It is nice to know that it's very much just a & phase he is going through. I will make sure i kick DH into touch and tell him that DS needs childcare. I just don't get why he is so resistant to the idea!

nancerama - Thank you for the link, this is something i will definitely look into! There are dads clubs on a Saturday which i am encouraging them to go to.

curryeater - This is a fab suggestion. I breezed on through with breastfeeding my DS and have considered becoming a support worker, but had forgotten about it completely! Thank you thank you :)

NutsinMay Thank you for the thread link, i will be there with bells on!

...and to anyone i've missed thank you for your advice and reassurance. I do feel a lot better about it all today.

In all fairness, DH is a smashing dad and is really pulling his weight right now because i'm so stressed (feel a bit guilty that i've made him out to be such an arse!!) but i just don't understand why he is so dead set against nursery!

Thanks again all for helping me get a bit of clarity and figuring out what i need to do!

No, I'm circling that particular drain also.

Not much to add that hasn't been said but it's not a unique place to be.

Tantrums will pass though, all these things do.

Great to see you back OP, and great to hear you're feeling better. Keep talking to us - this parenting lark doesn't come naturally and staying several steps ahead of the little dictators is hard.

Glad your Dh is feeling better. If you're DH is so set against nursery perhaps he could consider being a SAHD ?

If not then he needs to take some holiday to give you a break for a while.

Hope to see you on the thread!

OP I'm near you and so if you want to meet at a park one day pm me

Run them ragged while we eat biscuits? I've a nutty almost. 3yo and a two week old!

My DH is coming round to the idea now - particularly as i am going back to college in September and got a new job Yesterday! So it's all starting to look up a little bit.

I am definitely going to sneak DS in for an extra day at nursery though. Anyone else just need that time for themselves?

Make sure you leave DC with your DH for a whole weekend, and THEN have the talk. Do not prepare tea, outings etc., literally disappear Friday evening to go and see and old friend, come back Sunday.

It can be relentless.

My DH did not understand as he never had the DC on his own. I just had to go out for one day ( had not done that before, weirdly!) and he completely changed his tune.

I used to get the rage, and also panic attacks. Followed by The Guilt. It is horrible to feel like you do. Your DH shoudl help, and just get childcare, playgroup whatever for 3 mornings a week. It helps with the sanity thing.

Bloody men cannot understand how hard it can be, and neitehr can parents of easy tots...

My "difficult" DC is now a very calm and funny 10 year old, the tantrums were not his personality but he was just massively frustrated about the gap between what he wanted to do and what he could do, IYKWIM