How can I help my 5 year old DD cope with best friend being so unkind?

[Lionprince]

Or to want to learn some ways in which I can help her feel that she can not feel so sad about it?

My DD has always been very sociable, easy going and caring towards other children. She's also sensitive and can feel hurt quite easily but she internalises this. If another child really wants their own way, she will always concede rather than fall out with them.

I'm quite upset about something that's been going on with her best friend. The other little girl has begun not being very nice to my little girl, and my DD is so upset she has burst into tears on a few occasions and no longer wants to go to school unless I stay with her. Obviously not possible and I feel concerned about how much her feelings are being hurt and how she's dealing with it, which seems to be wanting the other girl to like her even more.

It's as though the more the other little girl pushes her away, the more she wants to be her friend. I know they are only 5 but I am concerned and would desperately like to hear some other views on how I can best get my daughter through this difficult time with her friend. I've been talking to her and giving her lots of reassurance but she still just wants to be and do what her friend is, to the point where she won't enjoy anything unless it's the same as what X is doing.

Just as an example of what's been happening, this dialogue is pretty typical of their daily exchanges:

DD: (excited) look X, we've got the same hairstyle today!
OG: well I don't want the same hair as you. And I am going to play with XX today and not you (turns and walks off).

When my DD last went to other girl's house for a play, she came home and told me she hadn't let her touch any of her toys!? They've always shared really well beforehand.

When the other girl last came to our house, she came to me to tell tales on my DD on 5 occasions. The first time she came to me and said my DD. had hurt her "on purpose" (!!!) and in fact I'd seen what had happened, my DD tripped over and fell on her arm and said sorry immediately without being asked. The other girl shouted at her "you hurt me!" and I mean she really shouted, and my DD just looked upset and a bit worried.

Today at school the other girl came over to say that she had another friend coming over to her house. My DD just burst into tears. My DD also had a friend coming over but didn't say so. I asked her why she didn't say and she said she didn't want to because X would not say nice things and that would make her feel sad.

I don't think the other girl has a spiteful streak, I have known her since age 2. I would like to understand better what's going on though, and how I can help my DD not be the 'pleaser'. It's odd because my DD is quite popular in the class and wouldn't let any of the other children talk to her like this. She would and has told others she doesn't want to play with them unless they're kind and not naughty.

My heart goes out to you - my ds1 is 4.5yo and sometimes comes home from school (nursery) saying sadly that his friends told him he wasn't their friend today. He is a sociable and friendly boy and it breaks my heart when he tells me this and makes me want to go and shout at other horrible 4yo boys I think that at this age there is so much "I'm not your friend today" and cattiness, and it seems to be worse among the girls (dread dd2 reaching school age), although it still exists among the boys. I don't know why they do it - establishing a pecking order? popularity?

You can't make the situation magically resolve, unfortunately, but do you know the other girl's mum? Could you have a quiet friendly word explaining that there has been a bit of difficulty lately and you expect it's just girls being girls but could she have a little word? Does the other girl have a younger sibling or some reason why her nose might be a bit pushed out of joint, and therefore has taken to being mean to your dd? All I do with ds1 is tell him that it's not a nice thing to say to other people and I'm sorry his friend wasn't nice to him today, and it's good to have lots of friends anyway so if one of them won't play nicely it's best to go and play with someone else. Or you could have a quiet word with the teacher, explain that your dd is upset, and the teacher could maybe just keep an eye out and reinforce to the kids that it isn't nice to be mean to each other and upset others. Really hope it gets better for you and your dd soon. x

It's very hard to watch your dd go through these things. But it's all learning about how to negotiate friendships.

Your post reminds me very much of how i felt when my dd was in reception. But also highlights how differently I see it a few years down the line.

Firstly, expectations. I haven't met a single dc who has been consistently kind, loyal or respectful to my dd for any length of time at this age. They just aren't. So don't expect them to be.

Friendships are transient. No best friend type friendship has lasted from reception into year 2 in my dd's two form entry year. They go through best friends at a rate of knots.

It's always the same pattern. Start off completely into each other. Then one branches out to other friends, or just goes off the other. Starts being mean. The other one tries desperately to be nicer to keep the friend. It doesn't work. The one who's been mean finds this empowering and is often more mean.

No amount of speaking to the other dc's mother or the teacher will change the way the friend feels. She has moved on.

As such the best approach is to teach your child that some friends are here for life, others are just passing through and we enjoy their company whilst they're there. If somebody isn't being nice any more, find someone else to play with. Preferably others. This takes time and may need some assistance from you or the teacher to encourage new friendships. At this age friendship is very often about the amount of one to one time they've had with another dc. So saturate - invite round, join after school clubs, out of school activities - encourage as many friends as you can to create a large pool of people she would feel comfortable approaching to play.

In general (hindsight is a wonderful thing) get used to this happening and teach her how to cope with it. Mine is now 7 and currently going through her bf (no 5) having gone off her and being incredibly mean. She can identify that this friend is being mean. She now realises she is no longer her bf. She is not sucking up to her in the hope that she'll change her mind and be nice again. And she is seeking to build and strengthen friendships with other people. This has not happened overnight. It's taken years of heartache. But if you can start preparing her early, the better it will be.

In the meantime, give her lots of hugs and try and distract her from what she's going through at school.

Sorry for the long ramble. Hope it's helpful.