After he's gone to sleep, he's left me crying most of the days. Today when I came to collect him from the afterschool club, his first "greeting" was to push me and say "Naughty" (=naughty mummy), repeated every time after I said Hi, How was your day etc. His favorite response to everything is "No" or "Naughty" in a very angry manner. I was not able to talk to him, at all. So I kept quiet until we got home. Then all of a sudden he started asking me to buy him a toy. I said "apologize because you have upset mummy, then behave well so perhaps we can look at it". It followed with another set of "Naughty" and almost trying to kick me.
Calmed down slightly after eating and bath, then when I asked to wait until I get his PJs he started with his endless "Naughty".
When I respond "You do not talk like this" he shouts "No" and does not listen what I say. When I go down to his eye level and ask to look into my eyes, he says endless "No" and deliberately avoids eye contact to no availability.
After his "abuse" (honestly I feel abused) I sent him to bed, he refused to go, I could have left him to hang for longer but I knew he was already tired so I carried him to bed. He protested all the way, refused to lie down, everything was "No" and "Naughty", refused to listen to me, attempted to pass me and leave the room, I did not allow so it got a bit physical, I did not want by resorted to smacking him, which followed by another "No", I smacked him again and told him to keep quiet. I shouted and threatened to smack him again if he does not listen and goes to sleep. I saw that he was very tired by that time so said "just lie down and sleep" this was followed by another "No"s and "Naughty"s and trying to get up instead of lying down. I restrained him physically and he fell asleep within 2 minutes.
This is the biggest nightmare of my life. I dread coming from work and collecting him every day. When he is in the mood, I don't know how to stop him, no amount of reasoning helps and he refuses to engage into conversation. I really don't want to resort to smacking and shouting, but I feel completely cornered and run out of options. I tried positive tactics saying that if you calm down we can have fun, play a game etc, but at that point he is too stressed and just says he does not want it.
I tried ignoring him and just getting on with my own things but found that then he takes advantage of no discipline, for example I could allow him to stay longer in the evening and avoid the fight, but then he will be super tired the next morning and even more angry.
Btw the same is in the mornings. Sometimes he gets up and his first word is "Naugthy" (=mummy, daddy, whoever he sees first) followed with some "No's" to "good morning" "did you have a good night" etc.
There are some signs of ADHD, Asperger's, ODD, but the school is coping with only minor issues so I feel like this is only me who does not cope. I thought of seeking diagnosis but in all honesty I need tips how to cope this resistance at home.
If we manage to avoid the tantrums, I found that the best way to manage is military style regime, i.e. short orders, brief conversations, do not attempt to cuddle to much (often gets too physical), no emotions (from my side). I hate this style but it works the best... until we get into that "No" and "Naughty" mood.
I want to be his friend and I do ask how was the school or if he has any anxieties but he would not talk just be angry and aggressive.
We do have fun time, too, but more often than not it resorts to a tantrum and with every fun there is a tantrum to remember.
I am afraid I will sound like a very bad mum but believe me DS2 is a completely different story, no problems whatsoever and an odd tantrum is fairly easy to manage.
If anyone has any tips how you manage resistance and abusive words, it would be very much appreciated.