What to do when my daughter is hassled by a friend's child?

[juliees]

My children are past the baby stage. I have a daughter (S) 7 and son (J) 3. My latest problem is how to handle it when the older one does not want her brother imitating her - or, in one recent situation at church, she became increasingly bothered by the 3 year old daughter of a friend. This child adores her and wants to be with her - but my friend (the mum) might not have seen how much it was upsetting S as she didn't intervene. Actually, her daughter did nothing wrong. I felt that S was unreasonable - but you are naturally on your child's side. I didn't want to have to leave mid service but it nearly came to that.
I am sensitive to the other Mum's feelings as I remember a similar issue when S was younger and another friend had older children who excluded her. I took the hurt personally and felt that I couldn't see that friend as it wasn't good to put my daughter through that.

Well, both children are right in a way.
The older one needs telling that she is 7 and the little one is 3 and she can be patient and kind for a little while, the little one just wants to play.

The younger one needs telling that S doesn't want to play right now, she is busy playing with X or doing X and she will play later.

You have no need to take sides, you are not a child, it is your job to help your child learn how to negotiate these sort of social situations. You model for her the words she can use which are acceptable. And you remind her that it wouldn't hurt to be nice for a little while.

I have had this from both sides. There does come a point where maybe you can switch seats and be the one doing the 'not right now' talk to the younger child, hopefully the mum is grown up enough not to be hurt, but to realise that her little one needs to find others to play with.

Yes, that does make sense. The problem was that we were involved with a children's worship activity with ribbons, during the adult worship time. It wasn't easy to talk to either mother or child. S was dealing with it by running away - so M thought that they were playing a game of chase me! I could have been the only one to see her increasing frustration and angry tears. As I mentioned earlier, I nearly left as I needed to find a safe and comfortable space for S. Yes, it is all about modelling - but I can imagine myself in her situation - and I couldn't see how it was going to be resolved unless I gave her the option to go home.

I wouldn't be going home or offering her the option to go home. Let her handle it. It is good to learn how to deal with these situations. A bit of frustration is not the end of the world. It wasn't for long and she did actually deal with it.

Afterwards you can talk and acknowledge her frustration 'You found it frustrating today when M did...' Let her express her views, then congratulate her on the tactics she used ' I notice you tried moving away and finding your own space, and you didn't shout at her, that was very grown up.' Then talk about other options. One of which is that she comes to you and stands by you and then you can say to the other child - time to go and find mummy. And the other option is that she behaves like a big sister for a little while for the younger child.