Second baby, 7 weeks and still feeling guilty

[philbee]

I posted on here when DD2 was born because I really felt we'd messed up our nice family of three and the good relationship I had with DD1. We are 7 weeks in now and I still feel like this. DD1 (4.5yrs) communicates in a range of silly voices, lounges around, stomps, ignores me a lot of the time or speaks to me in tones of deepest contempt. She was quite keen on DD2, but that seems to be waning. I feel like I'm never going to get back our relationship, and I've sacrificed it for the possibility of them both having a good relationship with each other, which may not happen and certainly won't for months or years. I am tired and what were once relaxed bath times etc. are now exercises in military precision so I can get back downstairs to feed DD2, or get into bed to try to sleep. DH and I are in separate beds, and even he is feeling fed up that we have no time together. I know this is all normal, but I feel like we had a good thing and I love my daughters but now I'm not sure what we have. Does it get better?

7 weeks in. Your still in the throws of a newborn. It def will get easier and relationships will settle back down. I have a nearly 3 year old and a 7 month old. My relationship def suffered with my 1st born for atleast 3 months while I dealt with the demands of a newborn. 12 weeks it'll settle. 7 months we have a laughing happy baby that you just can not ignore. Your older daughter will soon be besotted with the baby and you'll get your bond back. Newborns to children are boring and time consuming. It's all very normal x

Of course it will get better but there is no getting past the fact that your lives have changed.
The first few months are the hardest and life with 2 children, especially when one is a newborn, simply does require more organisation.
It will be become more flexible as the baby gets older.
Your post reads as though you regret having your second child and view them as some sort of mistake. Forgive me for saying this but you sound a little depressed. These feelings are potentially damaging to the whole family dynamic, especially your relationship with your younger child. Maybe think about speaking to a professional? Many people have felt exactly the same I'm sure but some help can't do any harm.
Your DD1 will adapt, keep working on a positive relationship between the siblings. Tell her over and over what great big sister she is, how much the baby loves her. Get her to help if she will.
As the baby gets older you will be more able to leave it and give your DD some quality time.
Also what is your DH doing to help? Being 'fed up' is not helpful.
I think you need to speak to him first and see what he can do to improve things.
Try not to be hard on yourself. It is a huge adjustment for all of you but you will get there

It gets much better - hang in there. I remember when DS2 was born my relationship with DS1 really hid the skids. I had DS2 permanently attached to me or on my lap and DS1, who had had a really close, cuddly relationship with me until then, was literally pushed out. I felt terrible, he turned to his daddy and even got to saying 'I hate you Mummy' at one point And I totally recognise what you're saying about bath and bed time and your own sleep and trying to give your DH some attention too and coming up short because you just don't have enough time, energy, etc.

All I can say is, stick with it. Give everyone the love and attention you can, don't neglect your own needs any more than you have to, and know that it does get better. DS2 is now two and those early days of agonising over whether it would ever be lovely again seem a long time ago. My DSs love each other and play together and DS1 and I are close and loving again. Can your DH give your DD1 some more attention while you're in this high-maintenance phase with DD2?

Please try not to feel guilty, my relationship with dd1 did droop in the early months - once dd2 started gurgling and everything that dd1 did fascinating it was much easier!

Is your dp involved as a parent? We agreed that in the early months we would 'man mark' so dh took the lead on dd1 and their relationship blossomed because of it.

My second baby is three months and the first two particularly were hard hard hard!! Three year old DD turned into the most demanding, whiney child ever, had a tantrum about every 10 mins, still refused anyone but me to help her do anything so I was constantly sitting down to feed the baby, then having to unlatch the baby (ouch) to go and deal with DD.

Things are MUCH better now and have been for the last month - DD loves her baby brother and we're all settling down fine together

Re. the 4.5 age gap, I bet it seems massive now, but that is the age difference between me and my sis, and we are best of friends and always have been

I am due to have d?2 in 9 weeks and am very worried about how it will affect our life and my relationship with dd. I am worried to hear that it does actually turn out to be a bit problem for lots of people! However, I guess we all just need to think that most people (am I right in thinking that, don't actually know % population which are only children) do have siblings when they're growing up so I guess it's something that everyone goes through. I am just thinking ahead to how lovely it will be when we're on holiday etc and they have someone to play with. I think a lot of children when they're older at least do want siblings and not many actively wish they were only children?

Remember you're playing the long game here. 7 weeks is still very, very new: you will be exhausted and have less energy to spread yourself around than you will in years to come, your dd won't have had time to adjust and little sister will still be as boring as anybody can imagine.

She has not yet developed into the sister with whom your dd1 can exchange confidences or get together to cover up their misdoings or hatch elaborate plans to run away to Australia.

I remember dd sighing to herself that "he has no time for me" (yes, dear, that is because he is 2 weeks old). I had to get a hook to the bedroom door because I couldn't trust her not to hurt him when I went to the loo.

By the time he turned 2, I would often come into their bedroom late at night to find them snuggled up together fast asleep because he had had a nasty dream and she had comforted him.

By the time he was 3, he would dress up in her tutu because he wanted to be like his big sister.

By the time he was in junior school, she would tell me rather proudly that "all my friends think littlebrother is cute".

Now they are 13 and 16 respectively: they go to the shops and the cinema together, they sit around in each other's rooms and talk for hours, they share confidences and gossip and know far, far more about each other than their dad and I can ever hope to know. And they still have most of their life before them.

Lovely post cory

OP I haven't been in that position but I bet things will get better in a while. Seven weeks is a hard time. Look after yourself.

Thank you all. Thank you cory, that is a really lovely post. I know it's hard now but I do hope that it will mean later that they have company in each other as your DCs do.

smartiepants I don't think in depressed. I don't regret having DD2, we tried for a long time and had a mc before that so there was lots of discussion about whether to carry on. I just feel sad when I feel I've sacrificed my relationship with DD1 for a relationship I hope she'll have with DD2. DH helps a lot, he takes the baby in the evenings so I can get in bed, and during the day so I can nap, takes them both out where possible etc. But yesterday he was really low and because I'm the sleep deprived doom monger I get shaken when he can't reassure me. But I think he's feeling ill, and that's why he's not as chipper as usual.

This afternoon it was just me and the DDs and we had a really nice time,

Posted too early, sorry. Yes, had a nice time, played a game, went for a walk to the shops without prolonged screaming from anyone. Then i managed to make dinner! I wondered what I was making such a fuss about. But there are just good times and bad, aren't there? I'm glad it improves though. I've had feeding problems and DD2 has had tongue tie snipped last week and I have to wake her every 2-3 hours round the clock to feed her so even if she did sleep longer I can't, which is galling! Thanks again all.

I'm really glad you are feeling more positive. You just sounded so down.
A friend of mine had similar issues/feelings and it turned out she had PND.
Those first few months are hard, but you've got a lovely family and it will just get better and better.

I found it got better when DD2 was about 3m and they could bath together etc.

Oh bless you OP honestly I bet most people felt like this with their second children. I certainy did and I relate to all that you said. I felt I'd completely ruined our family when DS2 was born. I missed DS1 and our closeness. I missed our little family of 3 and felt guilty all the time for sacrificing it all. I am going to be very honest with you and say that for me it took a long time for me to really feel 'on top' of it all again. Certainly at 7 weeks I just wanted to go back in time and never conceive DS2 . Newborns are dull and hard work, sleep deprivation doesn't help anything either. DS2 screamed all the time and I was sleeping down stairs with him in his moses basket next to me and breastfeeding him all night. DS1 was tucked up nicely in his own room but I felt like he was miles away from me even though he was only upstairs with DH in the next room. It was a horrible time.

All I can say is that it was very gradual for me. DS2 still is very demanding at 17 months, he whinges a lot and has created a lot of stress which wasn't there before BUT DS1 adores him. I adore him too obviously but even that didn't happen instantly like I hoped it would . I was just so wrapped up in guilt and exhaustion for the first year if I'm being honest.

However, it's actually made me and DS1 closer and I appreciate him so much more now. I see how far we've come since he was this little whinging baby and look at the amazing, funny, articuate little boy he is and seeing him be so gentle with his baby brother just melts my heart. It definitely does get better. DS1 can't actually remember a time without his brother, even though he remembers events before he was born he just assumes DS2 was there with him which is sweet. Seeing him as a big brother not just my little boy has really made me see him in a different light too which is lovely. Just makes me fall more in love with him.

Just to echo what cory said, so many experiences for them to have together yet. 7 week olds are pretty grim even when they're the placid sleeping type of baby. They don't do much and certainly don't become an instant playmate to an older sibling. My 2 boyshave only just started playing together now but even then it usually ends with DS2 grabbing the toy and running off with it or chewing on it . I look forward to the day when they can be out in the garden playing together in the sand pit, when we can all go out for a day out to a theme park without a baby in a pushchair, trips to the park with them both able to go on the equiptment. DC2 won't always be a baby and then the fun really begins for you and DC1!

Things will be OK. It really will and you're doing great. x

I only have one so can't offer advice from experience, but: I remember reading somewhere that one of the reasons it's hard on the eldest is because they're getting told off for bad behaviour - tantrums, being demanding etc, but in their eyes the baby doesn't get told off for similar "bad behaviour".

Obviously you can't tell a baby off, but you can (a) acknowledge to the older child when the baby is being a pain, and (b) reassure her that the baby will get a fair share of telling offs when she is older! Don't know if that's any use...