Problems with Eldest

[DiaryOfAWimpyMum]

Ds is 13 - only just 13.

Last night he called on me to fix his TV Ariel, I couldn't as he had bent the lead by pushing it into the wall, he had also picked something up and threw it at the wall leaving a dent, he said it was his deodorant and he threw is as he was 'stressed'.

I took the ariel lead from him as I was checking the other end and he tried to pull it back off me , I held onto it and said his name 'PETER', (not RL name obvs) he then pushed me and grabbed my arm and nipped my other hand with the lead in it.

I was furious with him, I asked what he was doing and told him never to touch me again, I also told him his height did not scare me and I would have no hesitation in smacking him.

Obviously I cannot as he is 6'1 and is mistaken for an adult a lot.

I don't know what to do with him now, I was shaking, he came down an hour later asking if I knew Big Brother was on, ironically his counseller called me last night saying it would be a good time to stop his counselling as he has CAMHS in July.

What can I do if he hits me, last night wasn't so much a hit but a push and grabbing my arm and hand but that's not right is it?

So not to drip feed, my Dad came up and yelled at him and told him never to touch me again or he would deal with him, he denied it of course, my Dad knows I do not lie and DS does (just now).

Anyone else had this or any advice on how to handle him when he does this ?TIA

I don't have advice for you, but I don't want your post to go unanswered, so I am sending sympathy and support.

Why has he been in counselling?

His F was abusive and he was worried her would act in the same way as him, I think I will let this thread just die, I need to get RL help for him, phoned his counseller so she will call back.

I've seen this building up over a few weeks, he also has an arrogant snarl just like his F, I was advised to be understanding of this as he spent a lot of time with his F.

There isn't even an option of him going to live with him, although that would do more harm as no doubt his F would treat him older than he is as he looks so much older and he a complete waste of space anyway tbh.

It's just a bit shit just now, I'm sure it's just another hurdle, I never ever thought this would be easy, I just didn't realise how the DC would be affected.

Very pleased to hear you're getting RL help on this.

Sorry that your relationships with your DS's father is so bad. Please, please try to remember that DS didn't choose his father. You (or his birth mother if that isn't you) did.

DS will look, and sometimes act like his father. He can't help that.

Have seen an awful lot of damage with the 'sins of the fathers' being visited on their children.

It will be hard for you.

But your DS is a separate person with his own trauma and needs to deal with.

Good luck.

Just wanted to add my best wishes here. My own feelings (as a mother of a 13yo ds) is:

you must not have physical confrontations with this age group- you probably can't win and that will be damaging for both of you

if he has had bad experiences with an abusive father, then he will be extra sensitive to anything he sees as a physical confrontation, even physically taking something from him or taking him by the arm to stop him from doing something

this doesn't mean you should always let him have his way, only that you should be looking for other ways of getting him to listen to you

I also find it worrying that your dad threatened him with more unlawful physical violence if he ever hurt you: this isn't teaching him better ways of dealing with his anger, just telling him that violence is what you do when somebody gets you angry

he has been brought up by your ex who has taught him that violence is ok, now he is (possibly) threatening violence to you so your dad tries to control him by threatening more and stronger violence

both of you must know that physical confrontation is totally out of bounds: if he tries to hit you, he should know that you will ring the police, and if you try to smack/hit him he has got to an age where he is likely to defend himself just as any of us would if attacked

I wish I had a magic trick that I could offer you instead but not sure that I do.

the only thing that I have found generally helpful with this age group is to get into the habit of speaking to them as reasonable adults and hoping that will get them into the habit of thinking of themselves as reasonable adult. Not what you might call a quick fix, I admit...

But whatever happens, you must be very clear in your own mind that he is not his father and not responsible for any unpleasant habits his father may have had. Self-fulfilling prophecies can ruin the strongest and most level-headed person and 13yos don't tend to be very level-headed.

I had a long chat with him, he did most of the asking questions and apologised.

When my Dad said 'deal with him' that doesn't mean hit him, DS is aware that he only has 2 options, stay with here with me and behave, or stay with my parents (if he hits me and things got out of hand here and I couldn't cope), I think he would prefer to be home here with us.

He said he was angry and I explained I feel angry a lot but don't go around grabbing at him or his brother and nipping/pushing them.

He agreed he was wrong and he hasn't been out all weekend and missed the monthly group outing to local town on Friday as I refused to give him money.

SS are aware of his F and have advised me they do not want DC having contact, DC did not witness a lot of abuse but may have seen and heard a lot of EA and arguing and F being moody/grumpy/narcissistic man and eh being the arse he was took DS1 with him to a lot of places he should not have seen at his age.