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Mill Pond

7 replies

fabergeegg · 13/06/2013 20:54

DD is 22 months and refuses to have anything to do with the cot. She's been sleeping in the spare room with DH for almost a year. She wakes periodically to check he's there and really panics if she finds herself alone. I can't share the burden for health/medication reasons.

DH commutes to work, 120 round trip. It's a responsible role and he can't afford to make mistakes. He has problems with sleeping anyway and simply can't keep doing this. He's developed an intestinal problem that's worsened by tiredness (it's a fairly serious lifelong condition with painful ulcers).

We know the controlled comforting routine backwards. But our problem is the hysteria. She becomes instantly hysterical. Can't breathe properly, huge twitch in her head, can't stop crying. Utterly unable to calm herself, obviously.

The health visitor was useless. She said controlled comforting works for all babies, regardless of hysteria. If she's sick, clean her up and put her back. I bought the toddler taming book and read that controlled comforting shouldn't be used for hysterical children. But we can't do what the book suggests - returning to the child after a shorter time, before they get hysterical - because DD goes from 0-60 in less than a minute. Yes, she's doing it on purpose to an extent, but that doesn't mean she's able to stop doing it.

We're biting the bullet and going to the experts at Mill Pond. But I'm afraid they'll offer nothing more than the advice mentioned in the paragraph above. and we could have had a weekend away for the fee Can anyone give me any words of advice, either about the sleeping, or about Mill Pond, or about how to make the most of the consultation with Mill Pond? What I'm really afraid of is being told to leave DD in her hysterical state, like the HV advised. And that it will harm her. She's abnormally shy as it is.

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Tailtwister · 14/06/2013 06:24

Do they share a bed?

Have you tried a gradual withdrawal method? It would involve your DH gradually moving his bed a bit further away from hers (whilst remaining in the same room) each night, until he's at the door. Then he would sleep just outside the door and so on until he's in a separate room.

The other option would be to continue sleeping in the same room, but with separate mattresses on the floor?

I don' have any experience with Mill Pond I'm afraid, but I think others here might.

Tailtwister · 14/06/2013 06:27

I meant to say that you have my sympathy. It's a tough situation to be in and I hope you find a solution. The other option is simply to wait it out until she matures a bit, but if your DH is exhausted then that won't work for you. There are gentle methods out there and I wouldn't be in favour of what your HV is suggesting either.

fabergeegg · 14/06/2013 15:30

Thank you so much for posting tailtwister.

DD and DH cosleep - DH in a single bed with a three sided cot drawn up against it. When DD wakes up, she crawls over to DH and he seems to draw his knees up and she snuggles down against his chest, like it was a cocoon. I can't see gradual withdrawal working with us because a huge trigger for DD is seeing DH but not being able to elicit what she considers adequate comfort. To see DH but not to be held close - that makes her really insecure. The opposite of soothed! DH isn't good at showing warmth when he's tense, which she's totally on to.

I'm worried that DD won't grow out of it. I was notorious for night wakening and nightmares as a child too. What goes around comes around...

Please keep talking to me!

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StealthToddler · 19/06/2013 14:08

Mill pond was great for us. But you have to know what type of direction you want to go and they will work with you on that ie you must decide if you are prepared to do controlled crying or not. We weren't willing to do that and they helped us work out how to attack our sleep problems successfully....

StealthToddler · 19/06/2013 14:09

Also mill pond has a book you could buy first rather than go straight to a consultation....

Tailtwister · 19/06/2013 15:23

Sorry OP, just seen your reply.

I see what you mean about the gradual withdrawal method not being suitable. We have had 2 children who have co-slept (one still doing so) and I suspect they would have reacted in a similar way if we had tried to stop them. What I'm saying is that I'm not sure from what you say if your DD's reaction is actually far from what is normal from a co-sleeping child. I can tell you that DS1 transitioned into his own bed by himself at around 3, although still sometimes came into our bed part way through the night. DS2 is just over 3 and showing no signs of moving as yet. So, I don't think your DD wouldn't grow out of it, but it's unlikely she'll change her behaviour within the next year or so without some encouragement.

From what Stealthtoddler has said, it does seem that Mill pond have techniques which don't involve controlled crying. Sometimes what you need is to discuss your issues with someone who is completely impartial and non-judgmental. Co-sleeping isn't wrong, but it clearly isn't going to work for you and your DH for too much longer. That is reason enough to look to change things imo.

I would contact Mill Pond and see what they say. It may be that you just need to clarify things within your own minds for a bit, get a strategy sorted out and agree as a family the way forward. I would emphasise to you that I don't think you've made any mistakes (although I'll warrant some people would say you have!), but you need to make some changes and maybe Mill Pond can help you do that. I'll have a look through my (numerous!) books on the subject and if I find anything of use I'll post.

fabergeegg · 19/06/2013 18:28

Thank you so much stealth and tail. I really appreciate this advice. Seems very sensible. Please keep it coming.

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