Not sure where to put this discussion......

[Allthatglitters789]

Hi all, I'm not sure in which section I should put this discussion but I thought here was the best bet.
My sister gave birth to my niece when she was 16 and when dn was 10 months old she dropped her at boyfriends mothers house and never returned for her, I was also a teenager and this obviously upset us all a great deal. She moved away to London and dn went to live with boyfriends lovely aunt just down the road. Now my sister has returned to the area and ds is 7 years old, myself and my dp found out on Monday that dn goes to the same school as my little boy, she walks past me everyday and doesn't know who I am. Unfortunately dn's dad is adamant I am to have nothing at all to do with my dn, well that is what he said after my sister dumped her and never returned. I'm not sure if maybe he thought I am the same (didn't have children back then) and that maybe I would disappear from dn's life too but that was 6 years ago and he has seen myself and partner almost every day for the last 5 years as we live on the next street. I would never in a million years leave my children, ever! What would you do, would you ask dn's father if it was ok to send birthday cards and gifts and maybe say hello to her when I see her? Bit nervous of doing this as dn's dad is very aggressive but it breaks my heart to walk past her now everyday. I also wanted to let him know that I won't forgive my sister for what she did (i think he thinks im on her side) yes she was young but there is no excuse for just leaving a child without her mother and starting a new life as if she doesn't exist. Hoping You mums will give me some advice on what to do. Thanks

I think you could write him a really lovely letter saying you would like to get to know dn and that it would be nice for dn and ds to get to know eachother. Say that you can imagine how hard it must have been when your sister left but that you are around permanently. Write that if he feels ok about it would he like to come for a cup of tea it whatever when the kids arnt there for a catch up. Make it friendly and upbeat and put the ball in his court.

Yes I agree with the above suggestion, if you put it in writing then it won't end up an awkward conversation where you don't manage to get across what you really want to say. And he will have time to think about it and not have an instant reaction to being approached in the street. Emphasize the fact that you have never condoned what your sister did and that you have always made that clear to her, as have your family. He is more likely to say no if he thinks you haven't been bothered for years and now suddenly have decided you'd quite like a niece. And also make it clear that your having some involvement in your niece's life would not mean that she has anything to do with her mother - he may be afraid that starting up some communications with you will bring your sister back into his and his daughter's life. Be gentle - don't be too upset or go in all guns blazing if he says no initially. He may come round over a bit of time. Initially the idea of your family coming back into their lives when your sister obviously caused so much trauma may be too upsetting a thought. But if you stay sensitive to this, don't push but make it clear that you aren't going anywhere and you'd love it if he did decide to change his mind over time, then he may soften towards you as he thinks about it more. Good luck!

If he does respond let him take the lead with contact. Maybe if you suggested you and your ds might go there to play in the future or something - would be on his terms and no risk of your sister turning up etc

Thanks for the great advice ladies, I have always missed her, she is 7 this year and I haven't been around her since she was 18 months but ds starts reception at the same school this September and I hate walking past her and not being able to even say hello. I do hope he will allow me in to her life even if it is just to say hello when I see her and give her a card on her birthday and christmas. Unfortunately there is no chance of my sister wanting to be in her life, she knows where she lives and drives past her all the time without even a second glance at her, I can't get my head around it, her own daughter and she has never so much as given her a birthday card.