do you agree that this is a bad parenting decision?

[fransmom]

have been ill in bed with migraine and couldn't focus so i said to dp that he should look after dd cos i was ill and wouldn't be able to look after her properly. about half 11 she wakes up and he brings her into the bedroom so she can say hello and she wants to play so he lets her get down out his arms and he goes into living room. she follows. after about ten minutes i hear the chair by his computer creak so i go into living room and find out he's on the computer - when he's sposed to be looking after dd. he can't understand why i hit the roof. (quite painful when you have a migraine.)

he said he wasn't on the computer because he was changing a nappy - i went to check and bingo there is a game onscreen which he hasn't even bothered to pause. how on earth can he concentrate on looking after dd whne he's playing on this b***y thing? am interested in what you think he even shouted at me for wanting to turn off computer to save hima job and because he was supposed to be looking after dd

In this instance we're talking nto alone, just an adult being on the pc though. It's hardly home alone is it? although in gs's example it would be!

Ah, I see

you were shocked I would think it wasn't

did not think it was that radical a suggestion :)

No I am quite uptight about safety I think, when they are that age. They are little beggars and our modern houses are deathtraps for toddlers :(

I think playing computer games while looking after your 13 month old is inappropriate. I do agree that they don't need to be played with and stood over every minute of every day, and I think washing up, getting lunch ready, folding some clothes or whatever is obviously necessary in the day as well as time for a child to amuse themselves for a time.....sitting with a cuppa and zoning out from them from time to time is also a necessity I think...however playing a computer game is something that demands a different level of attention, and tbh is just such lazy parenting, fgs! Do this when they are in bed!

A 13 month old certainly needs more quality parenting than seeing the back of their dad's head playing an inane computer game. Blimey.

I think it's a question of trust. DO you trust your DP to look after your DD or not? Clearly you are a little unsure otherwise you would have stayed in bed nursing your migraine. You have to trust others , especially the Dad, to look after your kids otherwise you will go mental.

Next time you are sick or need to leave DD with DP then just tell yourself that he is the Dad and he has your kid's best interest at heart unless he is totally irresponsible. I remember once going out for a rare evening out only to come home to find DS had chipped a tooth while in DP's care but still I have to trust him and accept that it could have happened while ds was with me (although I am much more cautious than DP).

Sorry haven't read all thread (promised myself I wouldn't do this again, but there you are). I wouldn't be on the computer while looking after ds, so I 'd agree with you there - I consider it cheating - the exception would be if ds is watching telly, which holds him in a perfect trance for 30 mins. Usually then i'm cooking though.

But having a big row in front of the kids on how to look after them, particularly involving taking over by switching things off etc, is IMO the wrong way to handle things. Easily done though. I've recently found myself barking 'Don't ask him, tell him' at dh a la Cod because we're potty training.

I think it's the computer game thing. The level of concetration you need to do it. I'd also consider it inappropriate if they took a telephone call from a client, for example, because that too demands a level of concentration which makes you blank out background stuff like small child attempting to pull plug out of socket. Whereas if you're mumsnetting or reading a book or the paper, you can drag yourself away at a second's notice. I don't think it's a question of watching like a hawk, I ignore my kids mostly as well, but not while I'm doing something which takes such enormous concentration that I forget they're there. And I htink things like playstations and computer games fit into that category. Also following new recipes, for me, or trying to work out how the bloody camcorder works.

I think I agree that it's a bad parenting decision, but that the way you approached it was wrong - like NQC said, in the middle of a migraine isn't the best time to discuss things like this. I'd apologise when you feel well again, and then discuss why you think it's wrong. I agree with Crunchie's point about not disempowering men to look after kids, but you do also have to establish a bottom line of what's acceptable to you both. Re that discussion, it reminded me of a time my xp was looking after DS, at St. Paul's cathedral, waiting to meet me for lunch. I walked up Ludgate hill and met DS, who was not quite 2 at the time, playing on the stairs. I looked around for xp. Not there. I walked round the back of the churchyard, and there he was, engrossed in a book. Hmm, multi-tasking, I thought. However interesting a book is, I'd never become so engrossed in it in the middle of London, as to let a 2 year old out of my sight and sound. Now I always thought that was just because xp was a flake, but I'm wondering about Greensleeves' non PC point.

I think greensleeves raises a very good point.

This past weekend there have been various instances where the dd's have tried to talk to dh, but because he was engrossed in something else he literally didn't hear them, he was completely oblivious even though they were standing right next to him.

I have now instructed the dd's to pat his head when they want his attention.

She's not come back to this thread, has she flounced? Hope not!

BTW I just re-read the OP and I am sorry but fransmom you gave the guy less than 10 mins before you checked up. In some ways you need to let him look after DD and have her roll a toilet roll downstairs or flush his mobile down the loo. Unfortuneatly you told him off before he could see the consequences of his actions, hence he doesn't understand the problem.

DH and I learnt this the hard way when DD2 fell down teh stairs at 6 months old I popped next door and shouted at DH that I was going, could he keep an eye on DD's. He didn't reply - engrosed in some PC game, I assumed he'd heard me go. I came home to see DD2 bouncing down the stairs Yes I am sure we should have stair gates but we are NOT in toddlerproofing and hated stair gates!!

i haven't left! ( i presume that's what you meant by flounced?!?)just been busy. have had chats with him tho.

perhaps i shouldve explained a bit better. hr gets so immersed in a computer game he doesn't even hear me ask if he wants a cuppa (in a normal voice) until i practically hold a cup under his nose and he asks what's that there for . where the computer is situated, the living room floor can't be seen ands that why i reacted the way i did. though i know i over -reacted a little bit and we did talk about what happened and i explained why you can't let a 13mth old child be completely unsupervised. not sure who said it but (dd just brought me my slippers!) 'benign neglect' was good description, though i prefer 'benign supervision'. she is allowed to make her own mistakes (though not serious ones, like drinking disinfectant ) and she does play on her own from time to time and she also plays with us, mostly telling us off for not playing how she wanted us to ! lol

when i have bad pnd days, i can't relax very well at all and i am a little bit controlling, perhaps too controlling the only way i can get through some days is if i know things are being done properly, usually the way i would do things. though when i have good days i am better when dp makes his own mistakes. (though that doesn't sound to good either). when i am sole carer for dd, i never go anywhere near pc, even for MN not until i am 'off duty'. does that clear it up? fm x

Fransmum - I'm wondering if DD is your first. I was like this first time around, by the third I was much more laid back. I also think it is good for children to learn to play by themselves and learn by their mistakes (within reason). Right now, my three 6, 4 & 3 are playing upstairs quite happily.

she is first. fransmom x