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Parenting

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Original poster

do you agree that this is a bad parenting decision?

64 replies

fransmom · 29/05/2006 12:49

have been ill in bed with migraine and couldn't focus so i said to dp that he should look after dd cos i was ill and wouldn't be able to look after her properly. about half 11 she wakes up and he brings her into the bedroom so she can say hello and she wants to play so he lets her get down out his arms and he goes into living room. she follows. after about ten minutes i hear the chair by his computer creak so i go into living room and find out he's on the computer - when he's sposed to be looking after dd. he can't understand why i hit the roof. (quite painful when you have a migraine.)

he said he wasn't on the computer because he was changing a nappy - i went to check and bingo there is a game onscreen which he hasn't even bothered to pause. how on earth can he concentrate on looking after dd whne he's playing on this b***y thing? am interested in what you think he even shouted at me for wanting to turn off computer to save hima job and because he was supposed to be looking after dd

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

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sugarfree · 29/05/2006 17:46

Yeah of course Nothercules,I just meant that surely if Mum isn't about,they can be trusted to be in sole charge.We shouldn't feel the need to be peeping through bannisters and checking up on them.

(Back in 197? when mum was ill,I don't think that many dads were very 'hands on' on a daily basis though)

nothercules · 29/05/2006 17:47

Mmm, still disagree slightly. They arent there as backups.

sugarfree · 29/05/2006 17:58

But if he's not my back-up and presumably I'm not his then,who else is going to do it?

When he's at work,long hours,frequently days at a time,I am the sole carer.

When I'm at work,every other week for a couple of days,he is the sole carer.

When we are both around,we both parent.

Explain to me what you mean?

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sugarfree · 29/05/2006 18:00

The big stuff like discipline,bed times,etc we both do the same,the little stuff we do our own thing.
Works for us.

nothercules · 29/05/2006 18:02

THink I've misunderstood. I agree of course with your last post. I think it was you using the "we". I kind of took it to mean you did check up but you shouldnt have to.

brimfull · 29/05/2006 18:02

I think you overreacted,are you a bit over sensitive because of the migraine?
As someone said benign neglect does the child no harm,and everyone must be guilty of it .

sugarfree · 29/05/2006 18:03

Beleive me Nothercules,they're have been times when I wished I had!

sugarfree · 29/05/2006 18:04

Ignore that little apostrophe that just snuck in there!

FrannyandZooey · 29/05/2006 18:06

I agree with those who said computer games are different to MN or TV. You can do the latter with one eye on your child, but not the former, usually. They demand your concentration and quick reactions, which means that you are actively ignoring your child while playing, and I believe with a little one who needs watching that this could be dangerous.

Your dp may not realise this and may have seen you watch tv, chat on the phone or go on MN while watching your dd and think it is the same thing. If it were me I would apologise for going mad, but ask him to sit down and discuss your worries with him, hopefully culminating in an agreement of no games while in sole charge of dd.

WideWebWitch · 29/05/2006 18:11

ha ha ha ha ha, it would be a tad hypocritical of most of us here to think it was a terrible thing to do to be on the computer while in charge of children! I wouldn't be sitting there hovering over a 13mo, no, although I would be in the same room I expect. Not ALL of the time though necessarily. Have only read the OP, interested to read the rest of the thread now.

Greensleeves · 29/05/2006 18:15

I'm afraid I am going to give a non-PC answer . I think it would be acceptable for me to be MNing/checking the news headlines while supervising my toddlers. I am here all the time looking after them, I know their habits and the pitfalls of the house, even when I am doing something else I notice if there is a suspicious silence or an unusual thud . I would be very concerned at the idea of dh playing a computer game while he was supposed to be looking after them. He is, to put it politely, "single-minded" in the extreme and is totally oblivious to everything other than the task he is focused on. If he was on the PC and one of the children was unravelling the toilet paper down the stairs, or trying to scale the bookcase, or emptying the fridge, I doubt very much whether he would notice. I do think this is broadly a gender difference. And he looks after them much less frequently than I do, so he is more likely to make a mistake. Although he is a fabulous father and the only person I would allow to look after them without me there

WideWebWitch · 29/05/2006 18:15

OK, have skimmed the thread. I also agree that

a) your house should be safe for 13mo
b) your dh should be left to it when he's in charge
c) you over reacted

If it's any consolation, I was the same with my first, I wss with him AT ALL TIMES, he even came to the loo with me, now I think oh fgs whatever was I thinking? :)

cod · 29/05/2006 18:16

i agre looking after so kids is boring
thought you were going ot say it was porn

WideWebWitch · 29/05/2006 18:19

Greensleeves, I came into the kitchen the other day to find dd standing on the worksurface with a box of dressmaking pins (the only time in my life I've owned any, ds needed school trousers hemming a few weeks ago). I wasn't neglecting her, I went for a wee and she pulled a chair over to explore. She found out that pins hurt if she sticks them in her fingers and that I don't approve of her climbing on the work surface . I have decided to lock the medicine that's on the top shelf as a result. Not sure what my point is other than Iam as neglectful as your dh!

Greensleeves · 29/05/2006 18:23

Ah, I didn't say he was neglectful If I foundhim playing a computer game when he was supposed to be supervising the kids I would consider it neglectful (and not in a benign way). It's never happened.

The going for a wee and coming back to find a potential disaster thing is just an unfortunate fact of life. IMO it just illustrates the point further. If I am on MN and the kids are pottering and playing, I am still aware of what they are doing, I can see and hear what they are doing, talk to them and dip in and out of whatever I'm doing on the computer. If dh is playing on the computer he is just as absent as if he was out

FlameBoo · 29/05/2006 18:26

WWW - I was thinking of similar situations - my DD can unravel toilet roll down the stairs in 2 seconds flat, or I can be on the phone/loo/changing a nappy/putting out washing/MNing and she gets it into her head to do god knows what - the same as if DH is in charge. Unless you watch them 24/7 and do absolutely nothing else, they can get into and up to stuff - regardless of what the other thing you are doing is.

I don't think it does a child any good to be constantly watched like a hawk.

WideWebWitch · 29/05/2006 18:29

I'm quie impressed by some of the things my dd gets up to when not being watched. She's currently emptying out dh's wallet, he'll be most unimpressed when he comes downstairs (he's hanging out washing) but er, she's quiet and it's allowing me to be here!

Greensleeves · 29/05/2006 18:29

I don't think anyone is suggesting watching theur children like a hawk. I don't crawl around with my eyes boring into my kids every move, breathing down their necks. It would be excruciatingly boring, not to mention a bit sinister

I think there's a difference between someone "keeping an eye on" their kids and chatting to them sporadically, and someone riveted to the computer in a hypnotic trance (a la average bloke playing computer game) completely oblivious to the children.

WideWebWitch · 29/05/2006 18:30

Well GS, there have been various riveting times in the history of mumsnet when I might as well have not been in the house when I was on here Judge Flounce anyone? :)

WideWebWitch · 29/05/2006 18:31

x posted but still relevant, lol at sinister!

FrannyandZooey · 29/05/2006 18:33

How can anyone make a house safe for a 13 mo to be left unsupervised in? It's not possible.

Twiglett · 29/05/2006 18:34

personally I like to be as oblivious to my children as I can manage

Twiglett · 29/05/2006 18:35

course it is franny .. am shocked you think it isn't

cover electrical sockets
protect stairs
lock up dangerous items
life breakable objects

nothing is totally and completely safe but as good ad

FrannyandZooey · 29/05/2006 18:37

Well I wouldn't leave a 13 mo unsupervised unless they were in a padded cell :)

were you really "shocked", Twig?

Twiglett · 29/05/2006 18:38

yes .. you strike me as more laissez faire and able to let them develop their own imaginations than overly protective

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