MIL and her views!

[dontputmeinanoldcot]

name changed because I might show my DH this thread and don't want him reading my previous posts..........
Ok, I am a SAHM with 12 week old bf twins and a 2.5yr DS. Two weeks ago, I had to go into the city for a career coach session (was made redundant and company paid for this. These sessions are due to expire so it was a case of use or lose)

I duly expressed milk and DH set off to his mum's house. Unfortunately, his stepdad was away so it was to be the two of them. By the sound of it, DH and DMIL had a less than restful time! Twins are very cranky when not being held, they tend to scream their heads off. So they spent most of the time (3-4hrs) holding the twins to keep them at bay. DH came back grumpy because DMIL was less than helpful, though I appreciate it was a big ask to look after the three kids. He reported at one point, she suggested putting the twins to cry it out, upstairs, in DH's old room, in his ancient cot (which they resurrected when DS was born, complete with a 38 year old mattress!). He refused to do so because they are so little and suffer from bad wind/possible colic.

Well, i need to go in for the final session (2 of 2) this Wednesday. DMIL just spoke with DH on the phone, hinting that the last time was a farce and that because we have twins we need to get tough and let them cry. She told us we can't make the same mistakes as we did with DS (who was extremely high needs as a baby - put it this way, i find the twins easier!)

I'm very uncomfortable with this. I said to DH if they need to put the twins down, fine, but i would rather they are placed in their car seats/in the buggy in plain view, NOT shut off upstairs! He's agreed but I'm worried as DMIL can be passive aggressive. I do understand I can't expect them to hold the babies all afternoon but I want them to be at least downstairs and not shut away. This issue has come up before where we invited them over for dinner. She asked that we put the crying twin in the bouncer and put out into the hallway by the front door during dinner!!

Or am i being overly sensitive? I did offer to cancel the career thing but DH is adamant I go to the carer service, DH has just been made redundant himself- hard times! However, DstepFIL will be around this week so there will be more hands to help...

I would be utterly furious at anyone suggesting my tiny baby was shut away in another room if it was unhappy.

What a mean old witch.

If I was in your position, I would agree some ground rules with DH (eg babies never out of sight etc) and lay it on thick that I trusted him to ensure they were followed.

Would it be easier if he and the babies stayed at home, where presumably you have more equipment (bouncy chairs etc) and he might feel more empowered to enforce the agreed ground rules? And have PIL come to him?

And honestly, they are so little, he might actually find it easier if he was at home on his own with them - TV on, snuggle on the sofa, little stroll out in the pram. Much more relaxing for him?

Or can you employ a professional nanny/au pair etc to help your DH for that time?

The thing with using family for childcare is that it is much harder to lay down the law...

Congrats on your twins btw...

Why doesn't your DH ave t courage to tell his mother 'no' instead of consulting you? Do you think he is starting to agree with his mother?

He has assured me he won't shut them away but he's a bit scared of his mum. So much so that he won't consider cancelling his trip up to see them on Wednesday, it'll be a snub on our part, you see. I also offered to get my DM to come over to the house to help but he's not having any of it.
I have been repeating to him - like a broken record - not to let her put them upstairs. The crazy thing is, she used to keep going on about how DH was a nightmare when he was a baby, he used to scream and scream and scream. I realise now that he must have been shut away periodically!
We're spending xmas with them this year- deep joy /emo/te/3.gif

Redtractor - he agrees with her to a point, in that he thinks we'll have to train them around the 6 month mark. I think he agrees that they are too little now.

His mum is quite cold and controlling. she was hands off with DS but the gloves are off now. What doesn't help is that her bloody best mate is a retired health visitor who is very nosey and opinionated.
/emo/te/5.gif

Gah, no point namechanging - can't show him this thread now /emo/te/2.gif

Ohelpohnoits - I will make a suggestion to go out but DMIL hates walking

My MIL used to put DH in the hall to cry. TBF, people were advised that babies had to cry to strengthen their lungs.

I think that it's wrong of her to do this, but that one afternoon won't scar them for life.

But that's easy for me to say - they're not my lovely babies!

My DCs must have the strongest lungs then
I've just remembered a time when they babysat DS. They let him cry it out but he was 12months at the time. We got back to their house (we were staying with them and went out on our own for dinner) and all was silent because of the CIO.I was relieved because the house was quiet but also a bit
However when DH went up to check on DS, he found DS sitting up in the cot (THAT cot) wide awake but silent (!)

Ohhelp - that's a good idea. Will run that past DH

Firstly their old cot is a SIDS risk. You aren't even meant to re-use the same mattress from one child to the next although dd2 has just re-used bassinet mattress from my SIL but that's by the by The reason is that some research has shown the presence of a bacteria called Staph aureus in some old mattresses, and this is associated with higher incidence of SIDS. So you can tell your dh and dmil that the old cot is a big nono, and if she wants to have them sleep in a cot at hers sometime she will have to buy a new one. I'm sure that will go down well!

Also some HV's talk a lot of nonsense. That is a completely unfair comment for many HV's who are excellent, but I do think the quality of their advices varies a great deal. I'm a GP, and I do appreciate that the quality of our advice varies too, unfortunately, but if your dmil's friend is backing her up on this nonsense then her knowledge is perhaps a little outdated.

I would be furious at a relative for putting my crying baby away out of sight or even suggesting it. That is a choice a parent can make, but is entirely overstepping the mark for anyone else to do. Controlled crying should only be attempted after the age of 6 months, because before then it can cause the baby to produce more cortisol - the stress response - and there is some evidence to show that this can cause anxiety in children in years to come. However good or tenuous that evidence, it is unfair to leave a small baby crying.

Your mil sounds rather a controlling woman. I do understand that our parents' generation often did things differently and everything went fine and we turned out okay but research is important because it shows that actually a few babies or children were not okay as a result of some of the things they did. Similar to smoking - we all know an 'Uncle John' who smoked all his life and lived till 96 in a state of rude health. But not everyone who smokes is that lucky. Maybe you could spout some research evidence at her so she can't argue with the cot / crying it out debate, and if she continues to dispute your parenting then be firm about her not having the kids on their own at all, and make sure that dh understands he can't be pushed around by her and must stick to his guns. Good luck!

Have I missed something? Why does he need to involve MIL at all? Presumably you handle twins at once without him?

Thanks for the advice mummy2!
that bloody cot!i've explained to them about SIDS but they've chosen to ignore it. They think i'm fussing.When we stay for Xmas, I'm going to bring my own cot mattress which should fit the cot.
DMIL told my DH the other day that the current advice and guidelines don't apply to us because 'it's not feasible for twins' ?!? She thinks I need to train them otherwise we'll go potty and it's not fair on DS....
Birds-he's due a visit to see them and they are keen to see the kids.everyone agreed that Wednesday would be an ideal time to visit.

I was going to ask the same thing as birds, why can't DH just look after them at home on his own for a day? Maybe get MIL to come to your house instead?

Also, is she suddenly an expert on twins? Did she ever have twins herself?

She sounds a delight

I would not let her anywhere near my babies with me not there, offense or no offense. Can a friend help your DH? I'd be going crazy with anxiety if they were with MIL. She sounds bats.

I think because we prearranged it weeks ago (the visit) DH feels he can't back out and to be fair, he will struggle massively if he's on his own .
He's also hugely stubborn and if I suggest he cancels his mum because I don't trust her, well....he just won't agree.he'llsee it as an attack on his mum he has issues about backing out of prearranged stuff. I've made him promise he won't let DMIL bully him into shutting away the babies (how awful does that sound )

Dont -- I really, really don't want to scaremonger, but multiples are genuinely more fragile on average than other babies and he mustn't let her bung them in any old cot and out of reach for that reason, if no other.

Very sadly, a friend lost one of her triplets to SIDS during naptime.

Bird about your friend.
I've made him promise he won't let the twins out of his sight. He agrees with me that they are too little. I've even made him promise not to go for a walk with DS if she suggests it - just incase she's planning some 'training' with DH out of the house. I think she thinks she's doing us a favour (as we're too 'soft!) but her methods are just plain wrong. She's an interfering old bat too. I'm calling/texting regularly to check up on him....

My MIL, who is lovely, didn't believe me that my youngest DD couldn't be woken before we went to bed to have a last sit on the toilet. She was still in night time pants as she had been bed wetting. Mil said I should wake her as we went to bed and sit her on the loo then. I explained that the big problem was that she was such a deep sleeper that if you tried to wake her she went into a night terror and lashed out and then she was so distraught that it was horrible. So I had given up on that and my Doctor had said she would grow out of the bed wetting. My DH and I came home after being out for a meal to my MIL telling me she'd been punched by our DD. I did warn her...

It's hard OP but your DH does sound like he's on your side and won't give in to his Mums will.

Sorry, didn't mean to upset you. Perhaps, though, your DH could approach it as 'We know you [MIL] know about rearing singletons, but twins are different and here's why we have to be extra careful according to the medical advice.'

Oh, and the old cot at Christmas? Check the bar spacing. DH's old cot had a lovely, potentially lethal, head-sized gap between the bars and frame at the curvy end.

Thanks for all the support
just spoke to DH a midst all the crying and he said that all ok and he's about to come home.
Birds-Thanks for the heads up re:cot! Will def check it...
just remembered another story about that blimmin' cot!When they controlled cried/CIO DS (who was 12mths old at the time), he managed to climb out of the cot and wrecked havoc in the room, sweeping framed photographs and ornaments off the dresser, lol