Dealing with my son

[Swishyswashy]

Sorry, a bit long!
My son is 4 and has been extremely difficult at times in his life, sometimes pushing me to the point that I feel I can't cope with him. He is very bright, was an exceptionally early talker, talks non-stop all day and knows an inbelievable amount about things he is interested in, is full of energy and when he's being nice is the most wonderful, kind, loving boy.

He has got easier over the years but at the moment he is really tricky. It sounds petty, but he is such an extreme person, he likes to do everything exactly in his own way, and gets really stressed out and cross if anything is different from usual/ is not done the way he like it. At the moment he is very cross a lot of the time, and is being horrible to his younger sibling and to me. I am really firm with him on important issues but try to give him some flexibility to be himself. I try to be really patient and to use humour to diffuse things as much as possible but I am exhausted and feel upset because he seems unhappy and is making me unhappy.

I don't know what to do. I think there may be an element of aspergers type behaviour but I am not sure about going down this route. I don't know whether it would help to label him. I feel at the end of my tether.

Thanks for listening!

It's interesting you should say that, because that's what came to my mind with this part of your post:

.... he is such an extreme person, he likes to do everything exactly in his own way, and gets really stressed out and cross if anything is different from usual/ is not done the way he like it.....

My ds2 (5) has some Asperger-like traits, and I found it very difficult to tell where normal quirkiness /stubborness ended and where something that warrants investigation started. What I will say though is that ds2 is consistently finding it easier and easier to deal with things that he once found difficult ie he is getting less 'Aspergery' as he gets older.

If, on the other hand, your ds is finding things tougher and tougher the older he gets, then maybe you should go down this route. He won't get a diagnosis if he doesn't have Aspergers but if he does then recognising it would be the first step to accessing help when its needed.

Slightly off topic but my BiL was so, so happy to get his Aspergers diagnosis as an adult because it made sense of so much for him. And he's a very successful business man, married w. 2 kids so having Aspergers never held him back, although he did feel isolated for many years.

Sorry, reading that back it sounds like I'm saying 'your son has ASD' when in fact I've no idea!

What I'm trying to say is, if you are concerned, then it really won't harm him to explore the possibility.

My dd can be like this, and is much worse if she feels she isn't getting enough attention or that I'm unhappy. Can you manage a few days of extra fun & cuddles & special time for your ds to help him calm down? That really works for my high-strung dd.

Thanks for both your messages and sorry not to reply sooner- relief to know other people have the same issues. I think both trying to take the time to have more calm time and to think about exploring the ASD possibility if things don't get better over time are very helpful suggestions. Trying to take each day as it comes and to stay calm and be kind. Easier said than done sometimes! Thanks for replying.

My DS showed all the symptoms you list and NHS assessed for aspergers.

We were told that it was not and that some extremely intelligent children display some of these symptoms but have better social understanding although we didn't realize this until the testing when it was apparent that he knew all the acceptable behaviours just didn't choose the right options in every day life.

We were recommended the book misdiagnosis and dual diagnoses of gifted children and adults.

However parenting these behaviours is still extremely difficult whether it is aspergers or not.

My 4 year old son is just the same. I think its just hard being 4. Sounds like you are doing all the right stuff, just keep on, time will pass and you will all move on. That's what I'm telling myself anyway or I'd go crackers

I work with boys who have autism and Aspergers. There is thought that we are all on the spectrum of these conditions! I often agree with that! I can appreciate your frustrations but I would just like to say that the majority of boys I work with are fab - they have their own distinct personalities with very specific quirks - it is often about getting to know these quirks and accepting them. We do loads of coaching about socially acceptable behavior and you would be amazed at how they can adapt to fit this even if it seems daft to them! Linking up with others in your situation will be of huge help - if you are supported he is supported. This way you can suss out the path ahead. I KNOW it is exhausting - It can be frustrating trying to keep up with he quirks BUT the kids I work with are hugely rewarding but that's because they have a team of support around them and thats what you need to create. Hope that helps xx