Sorry this is a bit long - I firstly want to know if this behaviour is considered out of the ordinary, and secondly would love some ideas about how to counteract rudeness/disobedience without getting shouty.
DD turned 3 last month, and is generally sociable, confident, cheeky - what I think of as an average energetic toddler. She goes to a playgroup twice a week, where she's settled and confident, but her keyworker has said that while she's very affectionate and sweet, and likes open-ended tasks, suggestions for other activities are met with a flat 'No, I don't want to'. This apparently is making it difficult to assess some of her skills as she just won't participate in things she's not interested in. The keyworker thinks this is something we need to work on, but I'm not really sure what to do with this info: 'Yes, you WILL do a drawing!' seems a bit counterproductive...
On the days I work, my parents look after DD, and love her as grandparents do. They generally follow our lead on how we deal with any problems, behavioural issues etc, and are not unwilling to tell her off if they think she needs it. She loves going there, so clearly she doesn't feel they're unnecessarily punitive. However, my dad mentioned to my mum that he was surprised at how rude DD had been to me recently, shouting 'No!' at me about something. I don't remember it, as she shouts that a lot and I always tell her not to, and to apologise and now do as she's been told (generally effective). Clearly, however, my parents thought it was unusual enough to comment on later. I know they sometimes find her stubborn and wilful, but it's always been mentioned in a 'cheeky monkey' rather than 'little monster' kind of way.
This is now really bothering me, though - I hate the idea that anyone might think she's rude, but as she's our only child I find it's difficult for me to judge whether she's out of the ordinary, or just doing the defiant toddler thing. My mum's now said she thinks all children are ruder these days and get away with things they wouldn't have when we were kids, but I don't know if she's back-tracking to spare my feelings.
PLEASE be honest - I don't want a rude child, and I don't want my parents to feel they're helping to raise one because we're being too soft and they can't go further than we would. And how can I counteract the stubborn answers or rudeness without getting shouty and turning activities she's not interested in into an issue? All responses very gratefully received!