Sharing decision-making with children ... does anyone do this?

[roisin]

I mean the semi-formal sort of 'sit round the table and discuss ... where we are going to go on holiday ... or what our house rules should be ... or ...'

I think I've read about this sort of thing, but don't know anyone who does it. Does it work? What are the advantages? Pitfalls?

Not in our house. I am a (fairly) benign dictator.

(Always thought it was a nice idea though!)

My kids are too young, but I have a friend who does with her 3 (?11yo, 9yo & 3yo). She feels it works quite well, but I don't know more.

I do it with mine who are 5 and not-quite 3. Although dd is probably a little young and doesn't really know what she's saying most of the time!

I like the fact that the kids have some control over their lives. Main pitfall is that they expect to make every decision, so there is lots of negotiation over things I wouldn't necessarily choose to negotiate over.

I'd love to hear more beetroot and stupidgirl, if you've time to post about what you do, experiences you've had in the past.

My boys are 4 and 6, and I'm a (fairly) benign dictator too, which hitherto seems to have suited them well, and I certainly don't want to end up negotiating over everything. But I think they maybe need to feel a bit of control over decision making, and some responsibility for domestic harmony.

But Beety, you get the most fantastic hot spas in Iceland! Very pricey, though, could be prohibitive for family of 6.

Icland schmiceland. I have relatives in Finland and that was far north enough for me
go for hte sun

There haven't been any major decisions made so far. I discuss discipline methods with ds. I sit down and listen to his ideas and tell him mine. We write them all down and then discuss them and work out which we are going to try. When he started getting pocket money I decided that there would be certain responsibilities that went along with it. Pocket money is not provisional on chores, but there are certain things that he is expected to do. That was all discussed.

We are hoping to move and when trying to make decisions about priorities he has been involved and consulted right the way through.

Generally it's more of a day to day thing. Discussing where we're going to go and what we're going to do and that kind of thing.

Yeah, we share decision making. Dd is 6, we've always taken her opinion seriously (well since she was old enough to express it).
Small decisions (where shall we go today), big decisions (where shall we go on holiday). She knows she won't always get her own way, but I'm sure appreciates the fact that she gets a say.
A couple of years ago, after a terrible time health wise for dh and me, which hit dd hard, we let her choose where to go on holiday. She chose 4 days at Disneyland Paris, staying in the pink hotel even though for the same money we could have had much longer somewhere hot and sunny. But we'd told her she could choose so went with that.
Friends of mine with teenagers are convinced this sort of "discuss it all" way has helped them have rather nice teenagers.

maryz - thats all very organised and sounds great. i cant manage to cook tea without burning it - never mind an agenda - that would mean trying to find a pen ..and everything... much too complicated. but we discuss - converse all the time with the kids - the great one is punishments - yes it appeals to the nasty side in me - but when the kids do something really outrageous i ask them how they think i should punish them. recently eldest gave himself 4 week weekend grounding and washing up for 4 weeks ( except weekends)

i think its great for kids to understand about money and be able to make reasoned decisions and realise that i am not an unending source of money. to realise the value of chores and hard work as their participation to the family being able to function. its great that they realise your not a god - and you value their opinion and that sometimes you dcan be wrong - i am a firm believer of apologising to your kids when you are wrong - you would expect them to say sorry.

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We've started doing this a lot more with ds since he started school in September. So much of his life is now bounded by adult-imposed necessities such as school, after-school club etc, we thought he might like to decide some other things for himself. He chose to start swimming lessons this January and they fall at a really inconvenient time on Saturdays. So we've rescheduled other things to accommodate the lessons.
I really like the other suggestions on here from families with slightly older children and hope we can move on to them when he is older.

This is all really helpful.

Maryz - that sounds great. How old are your children? Who drafts the agenda? How? What are the practicalities?

I have always shared the decision-making with the kids - so that they had some sort of FEELING of control ... but they are now beginning to realise that actually I am manipulative, and they don't really have any power at all I would like to redress this to some extent, and particularly give them a place to air any grievances, and to share in the responsibility for the smooth (in my dreams!) operating of the house.

BUT I don't want to get bogged down in discussing things about which there is no real choice.

roisin, you can draw up the agenda (plenty of power still!)

My 3 have chosen their clubs/sports they they want to do - apart from swimming - that one isn't negotiable and I sort of insisted that they had swimming lessons (no use living 2 mins walk from the beach and not being able to swim!).

DD1 (now 8) really wanted to do tennis and Brownies. DS1 (now 6) really wanted to do trampolining.

They more or less chose our holiday this year (not location, but type of holiday). It was either Keycamp (have been with KC for last 2 years) or do a "2 week private villa in Menorca". They decided on KC - DD1 reasons were a) there would be other children to play with;
b) kids clubs/organised sports stuff
c) she knew she would get far more freedom on a KC holiday then staying in a villa. This year, she was able to go to the on-site shop to get bread/milk on her own (something she would never be able to do in Menorca or that she does here even!).

We don't have meetings as such but do try to involve the children in decisions, especially those that affect them directly. For instance, like slinky, my 9 year old has a big say over what extra curricular stuff he does - and which he drops. Earlier this year we said to him he could do two a week which meant dropping one and after discussion, he chose which one that was. It was important he felt he was in charge - the activities are all optional, unlike school homework, and so he has to feel good about doing themthem. I lay down the law when it comes to the details - if he chooses to do music, he must practice for instance. So he gets some choice, but also rules he has to follow.

As someone else said here, IMO it's important that children have a sence of control over their lives - IME it helps them accept rules that have to be laid down.

I don't have any set formula for giving my sons a say. It depends on each circumstance. For big family decisions, like our possible move to Devon in a few years, we want our son's opinion on things. But he is under no illusion that his word is final - it just goes into the mix. I think it would be frightening for him to think he has too much power over the family future. He expects to help us steer, but realises he is too young to take the helm alone over many things.

Wise words, as always Tigermoth. There is a balance to be found isn't there. Right at the moment, I don't think we've got it right for ds1 - hence the thread.

I don't have any experience of this with ds yet (he's only 6 months!) but my mother was very much this kind of parent and worked well for me. Was quite grown up before realised that she had manipulated quite a lot of it but her decisions were mainly right anyway. Mind you my sister was and is an argumentative so and so who can be exhausting (but lovely, of course) so guess it doesn't guarantee co-operative kids.

We did that when growing up, sometimes it was like a pain to come to a family meeting but it made sense. Should be encouraged as not many things like this is done as a family these days. Good family values IMO. Nice idea.

haven't read right through the thread so hope i'm not copy-catting!

What i do is work out a series of 'choices' which i am happy about- this can be days out/clothes/meals/etc then i put the coices to the 3 of them- they then feel important in choosing

(this works well with husband's too )

From another perspective my parents always involved me in decisions, and as a result I always felt like a valued member of the family. My voice was always heard and my feelings always respected. I'm very grateful to them for that and I hope to do the same for my kids.