How to talk to a 4 year old about not seeing her grandad anymore?

[chaosagain]

I've just made a decision to step away from contact with my dad. He's been accused of sexual abuse (that happened a long time ago) and has admitted his guilt. At the same time as admitting this much, he's manipulative, is minimising the abuse and its impact and behaving as though he's a victim in the whole mess. Without any ability on his part to meaningfully take responsibility for anything, it's not a relationship I'm prepared to sustain for the foreseeable future.

I have a 4 year old who dotes on him. She was used to seeing him every month or so for a whole day at a time, talking to him on the phone more regularly and being the complete focus of his attention whenever he visited. She's experienced him as a really fun part of her life - he's in many ways an oversized child.

How do I talk to her about not seeing him any more? She's asking about him a lot and when she'll see him. I'm guessing I should explain that I don't think he knows how to behave properly around children and that he doesn't feel very safe and that it's an issue between he and I (and in no way her fault). I'll also need to find a way to reassure her that I wouldn't walk away from her if she did something 'wrong'. I'm guessing she'll be pretty angry with me and that I just have to roll with that.

Does anyone have any helpful advice or experience? Or suggestions for a better approach? or how to answer the inevitable why and what questions? And at what age would you think about telling a child a fuller version of what happened? I'm struggling to balance my belief in being honest with children with not burdening her with more than she should be asked to carry/can understand.

She's recently seemed to struggle a little emotionally - wanting me to do more for her (e.g. feed her, dress her) than she used to and also seems more prone to being angry and upset more easily than usual. I'm trying to interpret this as a particular phase where she's needing and wanting more input and reassurance from me and am trying to give her as much of that as her younger sibling (18 months old), a job, etc allows. I'm assuming that it's about development, lots of talk about school/transition and particularly sparked by recent health problems with her younger sibling taking me away from her more (he was in hospital for a few days recently).

I'd like to 'steady' her more before I have this conversation but I can see I can't keep putting it off...

Any thoughts really welcomed!

I had a similar situation (not with a parent, though) but my DS was 6 when he had to stop seeing someone to whom he was close. We sat him down and explained that sometimes, Mums and Dads have to make grown up decisions that are really hard. We make hard decisions to keep our children safe. Therefore, we're not going to be seeing X for a while because it's my job to keep you safe, etc etc...

Then, as the child gets older, you can add more age-appropriate information, if appropriate. Either the child will forget the relationship as they get older (assuming that photographs and memories are not dragged out regularly) or they will ask for more information. Best to be honest (age appropriate) and not to over-egg or dramatise the situation.

The current anger and regression are normal symptoms of a sense of loss and separation. At this point you need to be super strong for her and show her that you're very much in charge. Boundaries need to be tight so there is no black and white, and no chance feeling that she has to make it up as she goes along. If she shows anger, ensure her that this is a normal feeling when we can't have someone near us when we want them. Address any wayward behaviour immediately and debrief by naming her feeling for her (ie, we don't hit in this house. You must be feeling very angry to start hitting). A bit of lovebombing at this point is also helpful.

Also, I wanted say what a brave and sensible decision you have made for you and your children. I completely admire that you have been able to do this.

Thank you, Neverending. Can I ask how your DS coped with the separation he experienced? Did he ask about the person he had to stop seeing for a while? Was he cross with you for making the decision?

Thank you for your input, it's really helpful and certainly given me things to think about.

"Did he ask about the person he had to stop seeing for a while?" - badly phrased by me, I meant did he keep asking for a while about that person or did he accept it fairly easily?

Sorry I don't have advice to offer but didn't want to read and run. I think Neverending has given some really great advice. Such a tough choice for you and must be sad but it sounds like you are doing the right thing. Your dd's safety is paramount. I really hope your dd gets used to the new situation quickly.

The separation was in December last year, so it is still a bit raw. Although, the questioning and references have died down - from every day to about once a fortnight. My DS coped well (he understood he was no longer in danger, and expressed this clearly through words and certain behaviours - he totally relaxed) and then also coped poorly - had bouts of anger and genuine sadness, too. It's starting to even out - lots of cuddles, lots of attention, and lots of boundaries. I'm trying to show him that he doesn't need to figure it all out for himself - that's my job :)

Thanks again. For us I think it's less about her safety in the sense of managing risk of abuse - he hasn't abused for a long time (as far as anyone knows) and didn't ever touch girls. That said, I'd never leave him with unsupervised contact with either child whatever happens in the future as I'll take no risks with their wellbeing in that regard.

My walking away from him has a lot more to do with him not taking responsibility for what he's done and in minimising the impact etc. I could have compassion for remorse but not this victimhood approach of his. To me, he's unsafe emotionally and this is something it's hard to explain to my daughter, but I'm thinking about something along the lines of not seeing him because he's hurt other people and doesn't want to understand that he's hurt them so can't be sorry and that it's an issue between me and him but I feel I need to do my best to keep her safe from him too.

Neverending, everything you've said about making it clear to her that it's my job to work things out not hers and my job to manage boundaries is really really helpful. I also looked up lovebombing - what a great idea! I think I still need a bit more reflection on what and when to say it and need to talk it through more with my husband..

If you (or anyone else) has any more thoughts I'd be really grateful for them. I hope the rawness in your situation eases - it sounds like your son has a mum who is incredibly thoughtful, enabling and supportive. I hope I can manage this situation with as much care and clarity as it sounds like you have.

Thanks so much for your kind words. You are welcome to PM me, of course.