Feel like I've failed.

[HoobleDooble]

Just got home from collecting DS from nursery, can't stop crying and feel so ashamed.

DS (5 in December) has had a history of bad behaviour and random acts of aggression towards the other children at nursery, I've had to sign incident forms when he's hit, scratched etc. and was told they were trying behaviour charts and other tactics to try and correct it.

As I haven't had to sign one of these for a while I thought we'd finally cracked it, or maybe he'd grown out of this 'phase', but on collecting him today I was called into the office and informed that it still wasn't any better, parents had been complaining, there are now children he's not allowed to play with (because his name is coming up at home with the other parents), and they are calling in the Early Days behaviour specialist to try and help before he starts school in September.

They say he's fine when he's got their attention, but the second they turn their backs, he'll pinch or hit his friends.

I talk to him about his behaviour, he seems to know it's wrong, but then says he doesn't know why he does it.

When it's just me and him at home he's delightful, funny, clever and helpful. But the second anyone else is there he starts misbehaving, he's evn been pushing and grabbing at his grandma. I don't know if this is because I'm very strict with him, and he knows he won't get away with anything, could I possibly be too strict?

Received his invitation to his leavers party today, really want to go and know he'll love it as it's themed on one of his favourite films, but am really worried as the other parents will all know I'm his mum and will be thinking I let him run wild, and don't care about his behaviour toward their children.

Sorry this is so long, am just worried sick this won't get better and I'll be the parent of the bully, who's always being called to school.

Oh that's really hard for you, especially as they get older and are out of the toddler stage so you feel like they should have stopped it by now. I don't really have any advice, I'm sure someone else has, but don't go blaming yourself. It sounds like you have been doing the best you can, so his behaviour can't be down to any neglectfulness on your part, and I'm sure it's not due to you being 'too strict'. Perhaps he does need some additional support, which you will now get?

So sorry that you feel this way and I think that the nursery, and you, could have been more communicative about this issue.

Haven't got much time too post. Try to focus on the positives for now. He'll be assessed and hopefully it will be sorted before school. Don't really think that it can because you are strict either, think you will be hard pressed to find many stricter than me

See if your library has got a copy of toddler taming and ill try to come back later

He's not the only 5yo boy to behave that way. There seems to be a lot of hitting going on at ds1's nursery - he was forever coming home at first saying one of the children had hit him, often the same boy but not always. There was one boy in particular who used to hit him a lot and ds1 once came home with a split lip. This boy actually plays quite nicely at times though and seems to get overexcited or hit for no reason. If it makes you feel better, I don't and have never thought badly of his mum, and have just put it down to their age and some small boys having a bit too much testosterone. I expect this little boy will play perfectly nicely in a couple of years time, as yours likely will too. It's hard but try to see it as a phase, continue to drive home the point that this behaviour isn't acceptable, perhaps keep a sticker chart at home to reward good behaviour, or let him know that you will be checking in daily with the nursery staff to see if he has behaved well. They should work with you and be happy to give you daily reports if needed.

Am back now but not sure how much use I'll be. How does the nursery deal with his behaviour and how do you deal with it, for instance with his DGM?

Is he at nursery every day or do you get the opportunity to take him to playgroups etc so that you can see his behaviour in a group first hand.

How are feeling tonight?

Sorry, went to bed early as I gave myself a headache.

Nursery make him sit in time out, I've asked him how it makes him feel and he says "It's good if you're tired as you get a sit down".

I've tried bribery, rewarding good behaviour, penalties for bad behaviour (favourite toys being removed), talking to him, shouting at him. When I tell him it's wrong, he agrees, says he won't do it again ... Then does!

His DGM just infuriates me, she'll complain he's been playing up, but doesn't pull him up on it, she does the 'distracting him with something else' thing instead, so he doesn't know he's been naughty until hours later when she tells me! She also doesn't make him do things that I do at home (pick up his toys before we go, put his own shoes on etc.), I mention it but it falls on deaf ears.

He goes to nursery 4 mornings a week, I take him to play centres and he always seems ok there, makes friends easily. But then, he's with me and is happy to go and play. On the occasions my DH has taken him, he hangs around, demanding daddy goes on the equipment with him. It's the same at home, when it's just me and DS he'll play with his Lego or draw happily, but when DH is home he doesn't leave him alone, kicking off and crying if he hasn't got constant attention.

Don't think that DGM is too wrong, if you are leaving him there you have to accept some stuff will be different. Also, I think its pretty normal to behave differently for different parents, perhaps he feels like he sees lots of you but when DH is home is wants some attention from him? Again this is perfectly normal.

Know you've tried lots of things. Which one do you do at the moment? I've always used timeout, same as the nursery. For me I think it gives everyone time to calm down. If he is saying he is tired, could that be why he isn't managing his behavious quite as well as he should? What time does he go to bed and get up?

Forgot to give you this link too. Its aimed at parents of toddlers but think some if the information might be useful

My DS went through a phase of being 'that child' for a while. They were going to get the child psychologist/development worker in to playgroup to advise on his behaviour too but that never came about in the end. You're not on your own, it's happened to a lot of parents.

We had (and still have) to keep appealing to his logical side, explaining everything in detail, why it's wrong, how the other child will feel, the consequences etc. I mean DETAIL, seriously we have to hammer it home otherwise he doesn't think about things, just does them. It's as if we're giving him the choice to make the informed decision to do the right thing IYSWIM. It works 80% of the time - the rest of the time he's on the naughty step shrugs

You should definitely go to the party, other mums are not as judgemental or quick to label when you get to know them & can see you're both doing your best. Same with everything. Also, please remember that no ones child is perfect - you haven't failed.

Thank you for your words, just been to collect him again, nothing was said and nobody was around to ask how he'd been. Asked him what he'd been doing, he said they'd been outside to play, he wanted to go on the seesaw but nobody wanted to go on with him. I said maybe it's because they're scared you'll hurt them. He said he hadn't hurt anyone today.
I'll have a read though the link when I finish work, any new ways of dealing with his behaviour is worth a try.

Also ran into my neighbour as I was walking home this morning, their DD is only a couple of months younger than DS, she seems to be going through pretty much the same thing, at least I'll have company outside the Headmaster's door come Septmber!

Does the neighbours child go to the same nursery by any chance?

Yes she does.

Do you think there could be a reason why they both attend the same nursery and both seem to be displaying inappropriate behaviour? Could they both be a little unhappy there?

Just asking because my DS was very unhappy at a local preschool. I was completely blind to it. When we took dd to the same preschool for the settling in sessions I apologised to DS for leaving him there. Switched dd to a private nursery for her free hours and she loved it. The staff at the preschool were disinterested in tge chikdren and it was effectively a free for all.

Marking my place to come back & respond properly tomo. In the meAntime, have loads of hugs. I've been exactly where you are & know how horribly painful it is x

Sorry, been really busy over the weekend. I don't think he's unhappy there, he always comes home bursting to tell me what he's been doing. I've not had any more reports of behaviour since we had a chat, he's now stamping his feet and growling when he feels angry. Just hoping this 'good spell' lasts.

Have roped DH into taking day off so we can both go to his leaving party, as still feel nervous about seeing his 'victims' parents!

Had a new development on the matter, which has made me feel a billion times better!

We went to his final nursery review on Friday, and I enquired about his behaviour (as I haven't heard anything since I was called into the office). Apparently, during the course of the week, his name had come up from a few of the kids claiming "XXXX kicked me!", "XXXX pushed me!", but, as he has been off nursery ill all week, they feel it may just be the first name they say as he's really popular!

Part of me is a tad pissed off that I've been made to feel anxious about this, and I wonder how many other incidents have been blamed on him without a nursery worker actually witnessing it, but he only has 1 more full week there before he leaves for infants, so not worth making a fuss about it.