Mil making me feel so inadequate as a mum

[Lion5711]

I've never wrote on any forum like this, but I've hit desperation point! My mil is a very controlling lady who I got on well with prior to my son, but since he has been born its like I'm invisible! She had him once a week and pays no attention to my worries about safety of him - leaving him un attended sleeping in her car in busy areas/using her car seat which was in an accident which wrote off her car/not using stair gates/gates on her drive to a busy road. Am I being really unsecure for really dreading handing him over. I know it's great to develop one on one time with granparents, but I just worry the whole time. I know she Is competant having had 3 kids, and regularly looks after her daughters 2 kids but it's like she is the mother and I am just an irritating nuisance to her being the super gran! Any suggestions please as its driving me mad-especially now after another sleepless night thinking about it!

All of the things you have listed are major safety issues. MIL sounds far too relaxed and "oh it will never happen".

You need to talk to your DH and make sure you agree about what is/isn't acceptable then he must discuss it all with his DM. You might need to offer to pay for things like stair gates and a new car seat as they are expensive.

Agree with above. You need to put the safety of your son first. Talk to your DH and get him to tell his mum what is/is not acceptable.

This is your child. Personally, as soon as I knew about the safety issues above I would have cancelled unsupervised access completely until they were sorted to my satisfaction. I would not let my son be put at risk like that. You need summon up some courage OP and just say no. It'll cause an argument but you must stand your ground now or face this throughout the rest of your sons life.

Agree you need to offer to pay for car seat/safety equipment though. And make absolutely sure it's your DH telling your mil or you'll end up being the evil DIL!

Yes I'm afraid I don't have much sympathy with the "well it was fine to do that in my day" stance. It was considered fine to smoke, then they discovered it causes heart disease and lung cancer. It's a very awkward situation for you so I would try to involve your dh and get him to discuss with her - I agree that perhaps suggesting to buy a new car seat / stair gates might be a tactful way of saying "we want you to use these". At the end of the day, however awkward, your dc's safety comes before your relationship with your MIL.

its quite simple, she does it your way or she doesn't look after your son. I would just buy another car seat for her tbh.

You have my sympathy - it is very difficult when you are reliant on childcare from grandparents and they refuse to respect the fact that you are the mother. It is easy to say, but honestly, if you assert yourself now it will pay off in the end. If you don't, MIL will continue to overrule you at every turn and will cause enormous friction between all of you.

Other posters have made good suggestions on buying new car seats and stair gates. Could your DH offer to go round and fit them?

Do you have any alternative childcare or was this an arrangement forced on you by MIL? It sounds as though she is taking advantage of your need for childcare and it is very unfair.

You and DH need to work out what changes you need to make and then speak to her and explain everything. I speak as someone with a very difficult MIL who stuck her nose into everything and would sulk and strop if things weren't going her way.

I would put my foot down where safety is concerned. But, I think I would talk it out with DH first and then he can talk to his DM about how things will be. Make sure he informs her that if she's not happy to go along with your safety requirements then you're (both of you) not happy to leave DS with her and won't be doing.
If you're relying on her for childcare in place of a nursery/CM, then be aware that you may lose your free childcare but lets be honest, free childcare isn't worth risking the safety of DS.

It wouldn't matter if you wanted something silly like only feeding him whilst sat on beds of bluebells, he's your child and what you say goes.

Thanks very much for the advice, I've offered to buy a new seat and stair gates/moniter but she said its not necessary! It's frustrating as I don't know how much more I can keep mentioning and although my partner is understanding of the safety he feels that if it's ok for his sister and his mum is competent! Driving me crazy to be honest and I know I'm going to burst soon! I'm pregnant and due in October and am thinking that I may finish a bit earlier just so I can spend time with my son, but also so I don't have the worry. It's very hard when I feel far more confident when myum has him. I know I'm majorly paranoid about safety/abduction etc and maybe that decreases after more children but I can't see myself worrying less! She has always worked with kids/school/childminding etc but he is my first and it's turn to learn and enjoy being a responsible mother!

Find different child care. Yes it's good for your son to have a good relationship with his grandmother but not at the expense if his safety. Discuss thus again with your DH.

If she thinks she's super gran and is happy to live in an outdated bubble and risk your dc in the current world then I'd call her on it. Your SIL may well just be too under her thumb or conditioned by her to accept what she says and finds it easier to let her mum run over her wishes than to argue so the fact that she lets her mum do all this stuff doesn't necessarily mean that she agrees with it (and maybe she is being told that you don't care about it so she shouldn't too). She may love you for standing up to her mum about it.

Next time she does something dangerous or you discover she did something dangerous while you weren't there or she isn't prepared to use something safe (eg throwing damaged car seat out and using a new one, stair gate etc), then give her a warning that it's something that is very important and thsu non-negotiable to you and dh, and that if it is a problem for her then no worries, you understand that as she is only his granny and obviously doesn't care that much about his safety/life/etc (as appropriate to thing under discussion) so you can take dc away again if she obviously doesn't care. If she does and makes the changes then he can stay.

Then she has the choice - be safe and have ds or continue on with her outdated ways and unsafe equipment/views and miss out on spending time with him.

If you're nice you can give her a warning to give her a chance to make the changes - but if she doesn't, then fine, she doesn't spend time with the dc.

And if she argues about it - just say that you love your ds too much to risk the potential harm that could come from using xx or doing yy and you are not prepared to take that risk. If she doesn't love your ds enough to make a small change to substantially reduce the risk then she obviously doesn't love your ds enough.

Remember - It's her choice - not yours. You are not doing this to her (ie taking away your ds) - she is pushing him away because she is prepared to continually put him into high risk situations in which he could be seriously hurt. That is not the behaviour of a super gran.

Passive aggressive and mean - yup. But hell, she doesn't care about your or your son by the sound of it, she just wants an easy life and to be able to have your son without taking responsibility for his safety. Being called a bad gran is hardly unreasonable in the circumstances!

Lion the things you've mentioned are not paranoia, they are very basic safety issues.

The person you should be having strong words with though is your DP. Put your foot down, firmly. He is ignoring the basic safety needs of your child and it is unacceptable. He needs to speak to his mum and insist she respects your wishes. Otherwise, you need to remove him from her care, which may be difficult if you are reliant on childcare.

It will pay dividends to go gently though. Maybe tell him to go with the line of "Lion and I are feeling very anxious about some of the safety things, we've bought (and take them with you) car seat etc, to make us feel less worried. This is important to both of us, so please could you use them. I'll put the stair gate up now...."

Make it a fait accompli. Make it about you not her. This will work but only if you get your DP on side. Tell him it's causing you sleepless nights and give him a huge kick up the arse if that doesn't work.

I'm very assertive, so I'd just have told her by now, but that's me. If you want this to change its just up to you being strong.

Thanks for the advice, I'm really going to talk it through thoroughly with my partner as I can't deal with the worry all the time, I know it's going to cause friction between us but our sons safety is paramount and I know he knows that too. I'm absolutely dreading becoming the "mother in law" and I feel like writing a diary so I can remember these feelings. I know she means well but I think she has had the complete freedom with her daughters kids and has carried on regardless of what I have politely mentioned I would like with very basic safety issues. I will be strong!!!