Marriage break up and PhD

[InNeedOfSense]

Hello, I know it's a bit odd to post about a marriage break-up in this section, but I'm trying to work out what to do.

I'm a part time PhD student, I work full time, I have 2 dc of primary school age, and my marriage ended earlier this year. It has been really difficult and traumatic, and in a very pragmatic way I decided that my eggs had to be in the dc and work baskets, so to speak, and I've done virtually no reading or thinking about my thesis for the last few months. I've spoken to my supervisor about intermitting, and she's supportive of that, and says I can take as long as I need.

However... starting to wonder if intermitting would make things harder, not easier. I really enjoy studying and get lots of satisfaction from it. I'm also writing a thesis with a gender-identity dimension to it, so in a bizarre kind of way it might help me process some of the very complicated issues that led to h leaving. I feel that I've lost a lot in the split, and now I'm thinking that I don't want to lose my way academically as well as everything else. So far I've done well academically, so it'd be a genuine shame to lose the thread. I'm also starting to feel a bit empty, and I'm casting around for stuff to do, new hobbies to take up. I am feeling the need to be fulfilled personally.

On the other hand, my life is pretty challenging by anyone's standards. I'm having weekly counselling, which reminds me of my undergrad tutorials, except with me and my life as the 'essay' to be dissected (which is to say that I'm being very analytical about myself and my marriage, and applying all my thinking skills to trying to recover). I am still finding it quite difficult to be around people socially, and I know I'm not my 'normal self.' I joined a new university to start my PhD and I haven't really bonded with people there yet. I've been invited to an evening out with faculty people this week, and would like to go, but am slightly nervous at the thought.

Despite all the marriage breakup fallout, and busy life, I am a bit of a geek in my subject, and maybe the truth is, I just miss it. I'm itching to write reviews, etc. But I am trying to be sensible about my life. WWYD? (hugely long post, thank you for reading!)

Definitely go for the evening out with the faculty people, and see if it all still lights your fire. (I bet it does!) Swap a few phone numbers and/or contact cards.

You clearly have got a lot on your plate, but you need to do your academic stuff for you, I would say - that's how your post comes across, anyway.

I would get very, very organised, and go for it.

If you take a formal break from your PhD, you give yourself the space to resolve emotional issues without the pressure of the PhD clock ticking. You can still work on it as much as you feel able. It sounds like you might have lost a few months in the crisis, and it sounds like your supervisor is also quite sympathetic - could you kind of 'back-date' am interruption and continue to work at whatever pace you are comfortable with, with your super's support?

I had to interrupt my PhD after a MMC earlier this year. You may be in a very different place from me, but despite trying to continue work initially I found that the grief process was making my work/concentration far too erratic and unpredictable to carry on and not worry about losing time on my PhD. 'Buying' yourself the time that an interruption affords might take the pressure off somewhat. But you need to do what's right for you.

Thank you. It feels like it'd take some bravery to go out socially with the faculty group. I don't know any of them particularly well, but I suppose ive got to start somewhere. I'm torn between thinking that I simply haven't got the mental capacity to devote to my thesis at the moment, and thinking that I need to immerse myself in stuff that I find genuinely absorbing. I could take this break as an opportunity to read more widely around my subject; that'd be quite a positive way forward. Hmm...

I often have to 'make' myself go out with people I don't know very well, but nine times out of ten enjoy it much more than I thought I would.

Do you feel really pressured? That always stops me enjoying my subject. I want it to be a release from drudgery, not part of it!

(I have my PhD now, lone parent - but trying to get my head round doing a major re-write for publication and getting 'back into the game' IYSWIM.)