4 mo and 4 yo, feel like I am doing a crap job

[sebsmama]

I have a 4 mo dd. also 4yo ds.
I just feel ike I have no routine and we just crash along chaotically every day. I am not sure how to fix this. DS goes to preschool 3 days a week and we have a 40 min bus journey to get there. DD and I walk the 40 minutes back. We do this in reverse to pick him up in the afternoon. DD sleeps at least part of this journey in the pram, no problems. This journey is a pain but is only till the end of July when he finishes preschool. He starts school in September, a 5 minute walk away.

Anyway, I am increasingly seeing that at home, the only way DD will nap is if I feed her to sleep. Even then, if I feed her and put her down she will sleep about 20 minutes, max. (Or 5 minutes, which is what she managed just now). I have no real idea of how much she sleeps as it is all so chaotic. If we go out with the buggy she will usually drop off. On the days when my son is home it is even more crazy as I am trying to play with him, play with her, get her to have a sleep so I can get some stuff done around the house (and not major stuff, just emptying the dishwasher, making meals, putting on laundry) etc .

Yetpsterday DD had a decent nap but only because I lay down with her on the bed with my boob in her mouth and dozed as well, for about 1 1/2 hours. obviously I cant do this every day, esp when my son is home.

Evenings are ridiculous. she had been sleeping through from 10 till 6. this stopped about two weeks ago. she is down with us until whenever she dropsoff in the evening.... Usually about 9 or 10. Again this is by being fed. Then I try and put her in her crib. Occassionally this works, more often she wakes and I endup lyng down with her to feed. Last night every time I tried to move her she woke and cried as soon as i put her in her crib, so I ended up with her in our bed. TBH this is not ideal as I want her to sleep My DH likes a drink or two on the weekend and I dont want her cosleeping then.

As I was typing this she was in her crib and so nearly dropped off, then she just opened her eyes and started crying.
Its ridiculous. i cant remember what i did with my son.
Shall I just go with the flow? How can I get into a routine? I am starting to dread each day becasue it is just all over the place and I know DD needs better sleep. I feel guilty because I am not giving enough time to either of them, and the house is still chaotic. Help!!!! (Or just reassure me that it will get better!)

God that was long. Sorry, and thanks if you manage to get through it.

It is so hard when the second comes along. But it will fix itself and get better with time. Don't worry about the house being chaotic, and just by BEING there you are spending time with them - forget about all the baking and craft activities for now.

I think you need to focus on whatever will make you feel better - and then everything else is so much easier to deal with.

It's so hard when they are so little.
There is 22 months between my DDs and I was at a similar point when the youngest was 4 months. She slept fairly well but it was very unpredictable when she may wake for the day/ nap etc.
We followed the baby whisperer plan which was specifically for a 4 month old with no routine/schedule.
It's not for everyone but within 24 hours I could put her down awake at nap times and bedtime. No leaving them to cry & plenty of cuddles.

Thanks for your replies. Managed to have a better morning... Got kids out for a walk to shops, had qualuty time with DS in cafe whilst Dd slept. He is now playing, Dd feeding (hence the MN!) and lunch cooking. It just feels overwhelming sometimes.
Baby Whisperer you say.... I was v sneery about GF / routines etc before DD was born. However may look into BW. Although I ave a vague hope thAat things may fall into place once DD is on 3 meals a day in a couple of months...
Thanks again for taking te time to reply... Must go and fix DS' tractor

This brings back some pretty grim memories of my DS2's first year! He was a very hard work baby, needed a lot of stimulation and had to wrestle him to sleep and couldn't put him down. My DS1 was also 4 yrs old and I just felt like I was blindly bumbling through the day in an ehausted fog. I missed DS1 so badly and all the things we used to do together. I fel like I was short changing them both and had turned into a snappy, crap mum.

To be honest, I can't really rememeber when it got better. It was very gradual. I think the big improvement came when DS2 could finally sleep in his cot for a nap so I could spend time with DS1. Also once DS2 beame mobile and could entertain himself a little better. He is now 17 months and has one long 2 hour nap at midday. DS1 is now 5 and we've all ome out of no worse for wear! I look back at it all now and just think 'how the hell did I get through it?' I have no idea how I coped. I suppose I just muddled through the same as everyone else.

I think the key to it is to be kind to yourself. Try not to beat yourself up for not entertaining DC1 constantly. DS1 is now WAY more independant than he was, he used his imagination better and can potter around in his room for half an hour or so, which he NEVER did before having DS2. He doesn't resent it either, he's adjusted and he adores his brother.

Don't worry too much about routine. I was desperate to get DS2 into a night time routine but in the end he set his own routine and slept through when he was ready. We also co slept and fed him to sleep. It will settle down.

I think 4 months is a tricky age. They're not sleepy newborns any more but they still can't sit up or do anything. They need loads of comfort but you're exhausted from 4 months of sleep deprivation and the shine of the new baby is fading somewhat! It does get better. you will survive it, try not to beat yourself up about finding it hard work. I didn't enjoy any of DS2's first year really. It WAS all just hard work. Wouldn't be without him now though!

I was, and still am, very sneery about GF the beauty of BW for us was that it was a schedule but not a routine if that makes sense? If she was tired before nap time, she slept earlier for example. Basically fed when hungry& slept when tired just with a little structure. I bf on demand and it fitted in fine.
Glad you've had a better day.

My dd2 is now 7mo and ds1 is 4.5yo so similar age gap to yours and same boy / girl order. Our schedule was all over the place too for the first few months as ds1 goes to nursery half-days mon-fri but this varies mornings one week, afternoons the next, so a regular routine was fairly impossible. Dd2 has always slept well if we go out, so for the first few months her daytime naps were mostly in the car or buggy. Now she is a little older she has formed her own pattern of needing naps - one around 9am, then a long one around 1pm which may tide her over till bedtime, or she may need another small one. I'm now putting her down in her cot for the morning and afternoon sleeps, unless we have to be out and about in which case she'll sleep in the car. It doesn't seem to have done her any harm that we were so all over the place with naps etc in the early months. It does get easier, try to keep your expectations low, keep trying to get her to go down in her crib - patience and perseverence pay off - and don't worry if you feel like you've achieved nothing all day. Feeding the kids and keeping them clean and occupied is plenty achievement enough! Even if everyone isn't dressed before 11am. I spend every minute of the day doing something and yet often feel like I've not succeeded in anything - the house remains a pigsty, the bottom of the laundry basket is just a myth. But I do have two gorgeous children x

I could have written most of that myself op. My youngest is 4months and eldest nearly 3. We are taking eldest out of pt nursery in 2 weeks for financial reasons so will have them both on my own all week. Love them both to pieces but dreading it too as don't know how to be a good mum to them. Sorry for hijacking thread, but you have my sympathy.don't suppose you are anywhere near Preston\ Chorley for a meetup?

I have nearly the same age gap as you but mine are a year older. Life is much easier now than a year ago, you just need to ride it out any way you can I think.

It sounds like dd sleeps in the buggy when you're out, do you think she could do the same at home? The best way I found to manage naps was to either rock ds in his buggy or walk him in circles round the garden while dd watched tv or played a game on my phone.

I'm sure you're not doing a crap job, it's just a difficult juggling act. Things will change so quickly though.

Hi
And thank you all for the replies. It is good to know there are others in the same boat. It was all so easy in the first couple of weeks... DD slept all the time and there were loads of people around to help. Now she barely sleeps and I have no help!
I may look at the Baby Whisperer, thanks Jemima. I am sitting upstairs with her now... Seemed like she was going to drop off after bath and massage but now having none of it. Thoroughly pissed off, am going to give up and take her downstairs so atleast I can spend some time with DH
Must keep repeating 'just a phase'. .
Icarus, I'm afraid I am nowhere near you. Sorry. You have my sympathy too.
We will get through it!