"Baby Quake" - new baby affecting your marriage/relationship?

[Chislemum]

Dear all,

I just read about "Baby Quake" in The Telegraph, a report on a new study that appears to indicate that having your first baby may affect a couple's relationship so it is "at risk of a ?baby quake? ? where their love life suffers so badly that their marriage breaks down."

Link www.telegraph.co.uk/women/sex/10085712/New-parents-at-risk-of-baby-quake.html

Not saying our marriage is breaking down, but DH and myself have been affected by birth of DS last August: there is some truth in this, I fear.

Sleepless nights, baby ill, weight gain/loss, etc. etc.

What are your experiences?

I hardly think its 'news' that a baby puts stress upon a marriage- isn't it common knowledge and forms a large part of all the horror stories people tell you before you have a baby- you'll be so tired! You'll have no time for yourselves! If you do manage to go out all you will talk about is the baby,etc.
I can honestly say that whilst the above is all true, having Ds has brought dh and I closer than ever before and whilst we have sex less often than pre-dc, it is very fulfilling when we do.
Ds is only 7 months though so I suspect my response might be different when hes a tantrumming toddler!

I think part of the problem is that parents expect life to return to normality within a few weeks. Aren't us women "supposed" to be back to pre baby weight and super sexy 6 days after birth - at least that's what the magazines would make us believe.

I also think that families living so far apart puts on added pressures. Having grandparents "on tap" can work wonders in terms of letting new parents feel refreshed. Not all new parents are lucky enough to have parents nearby, or have a good relationship with those grandparents.

Yes, there is a "new normal" and lots of new parents need time to adjust; I think the older you are, the more difficult it might be - or maybe not. I do feel very exhausted sometimes and I am anxious about returning to work (my employer is not as helpful as they had previously indicated).

chislemum I think being older actually helped because we were both more realistic about the changes that needed to happen, and the sacrifices that we had to make (I was 40 and DH was 54). Though we both have less energy than 20 year old parents, we also are more settled in our jobs and lives. I'm so sorry that your employer is unhelpful.

I've just typed that and realised that the root of the word "sacrifice" is the same as "sacred". I guess in a way, what we did give up was for something that is sacred and precious - our child and our sanity.

I can identify with a lot of this and dh and I are definitely much less intimate than before. We both work ft and it's hard when you're so tired all the time. Ds is now 2.6 and we argue much less than when he was a baby and have learned to meet each other half way in terms of how we raise ds. We have very similar values, which is a good place to start, but we sometimes disagree on how go about teaching ds right from wrong. Dh can be too harsh, I can be too soft. Invariably we have to meet in the middle, which of course forces us to talk and communicate properly. We have argued a lot but tend to get over it much more quickly than before ds came along, we don't dwell on things as much. Ultimately dh is a great dad and we need each other emotionally, mentally, financially etc which has in many ways brought us closer even though we have suffered physically in terms of a sex life. But we are always affectionate with each other, hug and kiss often, tell each other we love each other every day. I think that's just as important, if not more so, than being at it like rabbits.

We had a night away recently, went out and got drunk together, danced and behaved like teenagers again. As much as I love and missed my ds, it did remind us that we are individuals and a couple as well as parents.

Well known fact.

I think there are two main cases where this happens:

both parents have unrealistic expectations about the return of normality

or

both parents are not putting in equal effort so one (very often the father) has far more energy left for sex and pleasure while the other parent is exhausted

And then of course there are cases of illness, SN, feeding problems, sleeplessness etc which put further strain on any relationship.

I didn't find this was an issue personally, but we had a fairly straightforward baby (not ill or disabled), DP equally participated in baby care and we had quite realistic expectations.

I think that a baby definitely highlights any problems already in the relationship - eg. if one partner is already selfish/needy/demanding then those problems will only be amplified.

I can identify with this I felt frustrated in the early days that oh couldn't do more to help- I was feeding around the clock and it was just easier for me to burp dd, change her etc but then I'd be seething that oh wasn't doing more.
Sleep was the major cause for arguments if he said he was tired when I'd had half the amount of sleep he'd have I was ready to punch him!
But now we've got into some sort of routine it's better.

I'm interested to hear what people with more than 1 dc say- does it happen with every newborn?!!

I had two, Wishful; I found dh was very hands on with the burping and changing from the start so nothing to feel resentful of. In fact, when ds was born slightly premature after an emcs dh was far more involved with his care in the early days than I was, because he was more mobile. I lay back in bed and felt a quiet glow of pride because the other dads on the ward were bumbling around looking lost and mine was being superdad. Though to be fair, it was his second.

We didn't expect to continue our life as before. We were fully prepared to sacrifice a social life, interesting travel, career progression, lie ins etc.
We weren't prepared to still be sleeping in separate beds 12 months down the line, to still be taking it in turns to get 4-5 hours broken sleep and get up at 5am, to still be too tired to hold a conversation in the evenings.
We both do our equal share and try to support and appreciate each other but its still hard to maintain a relationship.
A lot depends on how well your baby sleeps, no matter how prepared, self-sacrificing or supportive you both are.

It's the most life changing thing you can do! And however prepared you thing you are for the arrival of a baby, it takes a huge amount of adjustment.

My dh and I both thought that having a kiddie would mean changes to our old life, but we actually found it to be a totally new kind of life - incredibly hard, and totally amazing. I think we were shell-shocked by the enormity of having a baby for months! Feel a bit stupid now that we were so under-prepared - but can anyone actually know what proper sleep-deprivation is actually like unlike you're in the mist of it?

Anyone who has a "baby-band-aid", thinking having a child will save a relationship, is crazy! It has certainly pushed my DH & I to new limits, but ultimately, yes we do feel stronger (at good times) and are crazy in love with our ds (apart from at 4am...).