Top tips to encourage gentleness in my son.

[withaspongeandarustyspanner]

My son is 4 and a half and we've had complaints from his pre-school that he insists on playing Superheroes with another boy and that they are disturbed by his 'destructive' and violent language. He plays at 'killing' baddies and they say that it's not healthy, particularly to the younger children there. He doesn't hurt anyone, btw, it is just the language he uses.

I don't feel there's an awful lot I can do, seeing I'm not there. If it were me, I'd either keep them apart or I'd engineer things so that they were busy doing other things, but I suppose I can't tell them that.

He goes to another nursery on a Friday, for a full day and I've asked them if they share these concerns. They don't. They say he does like to play superheroes but that he saves people. They say that his language doesn't alarm them.

I know that different settings have different 'rules'. Maybe this is all it is.

Incidentally, at home, he's just as likely to be dressed as a princess by one of his sisters, or playing Mums and Dads with his three siblings. He is more physical than the girls, and we do pull him up on his behaviour if he gets too rowdy.

Does anyone have any tips/books/resources they can suggest? I'me really worried that after 2 girls, we're getting it all wrong.

Thanks in advance.

Why does he know much about killing at 4 and a half?

Would suggest that you simply get him some new books/DVDs/on-line places to visit/wherever it is he is getting this from that are EVEN COOLER than the superheroes.

Perhaps invite the other boy around to participate too?

Then they can play at [whatever the less violent thing is] instead?

I'm not sure he does know all that much about killing - it's just a word he's using. He doesn't seem to have much real concept of its meaning, as his nursery will readily admit.

Thanks for the tips to make things much cooler than superheroes - I will try it.

Funnily enough, after I posted this, he was playing 'Mums and Dads' with his two year old brother. I told him what a nice game it was, and asked him if he played it at nursery. He said no, because his friend would only play superheroes. Unless that's just his story.

And he doesn't have books or DVDs about superheroes, online he plays on cbeebies - so I'm not entirely sure where this is coming from myself.

Watching with interest as my 3.6 year old ds is exactly the same. He loves superheroes, avengers, spider man, ninga turtles, tree fu Tom etc etc Loves playing fighting games with us & his sister.
I have been very clear that he can not play these games at home & that being loving & cuddling is much nicer.
Could it be that the other little boy is encouraging your ds & it is he who is saying killing etc. it doesn't sound like it is all one sided. I've said to my ds that what he ha seen on tv is not real & he is not a superhero. I try to limit the time he watches these programmes and push for team umizoomi, and things less violent!
My ds at 3.6 thinks he has superhero powers. This worked well with pre-school jabs tho as I said they would help to give him a protective shield to keep him safe from germs!

Good luck with your little boy x

Kids process stuff through playing. If he's playing things about killing, it doesn't mean he's not gentle (as you haven't mentioned anything other than language/theme of play, not actual physical violence), it means he's making sense of the world and these themes through playing them out. I don't think that's dangerous or undesirable at all, as long as there are adults to redirect the play if it does become destructive. I'd recommend reading 'Playful Parenting', it deals quite a bit with stuff like this.

Well, they have said he isn't being rough and he's not hurting anyone so I can only go on what they've said. I will read that book - thank you.

Over the last few days, he's been happily cooking, listening to stories (trying to attack his sisters in that lovely brotherly way :) ), but no superheroes - and he seems happy enough to me.

Don't let him watch power rangers, spiderman or any other 'fighty' kids tv programs. I've heard it makes a real difference to their play and that the boys who watch those programs play much more aggressive fighting games. My ds1 watched a little power rangers 6 months ago and started acting like that - we quickly stopped him watching it and the phase passed.

I agree mummytobenji but it is very hard to completely stop all of it. People buy my son hulk figures, Spider-Man figures, super hero dressing up costumes, granny lets him pick a comic and he chooses spider man, he sees all the adverts when I am trying to not let him watch the programmes. He goes to nursery and the boys bring they're figures. He goes to childminder and she has superhero dressing up costumes.
I try all the time not to let him watch spider man, ninja turtles etc but it is impossible to shelter him from it all unless I kept him locked up in the house with no granny, nursery, childminder, friends, parties, shopping, days out. And little boys are so drawn to superheroes and they are Everywhere!!

My DS aged 2.9 says he's "killing baddies". He heard it on Cars II. He often pretends to be Spider-Man too. He starts pre school in September. I wonder if they will say the same thing.

Bloody DH let him watch Star Wars whilst I was out! Luckily pretending to be a Jedi just seems to involve walking around with a towel on his head. I have now banned all TV except the very occasional cbeebies.

I think some boys are just more 'fighty' than others.
DS1 8 used to like Ben 10 and has always loved Star Wars. He has also watched several Super Hero films with DH. However his play has never been aggressive, we always joke and say if he was a Super Hero he would be Calm Man as he doesn't get angry!
DS2 however is 2.5 and has always been rough in his play, when he was 10 months he would charge at people trying to push them over so he could wrestle with them.
He will make anything into a gun or a sword, and is always trying to fight people. I really try and limit what he watches on TV, it's mostly Mickey Mouse or OSO. However it's hard to keep him away when DS1 is having his TV time.

We have/ had this with ds. He's an only child, doesn't watch violent boys cartoons, doesn't play computer games and is much more interested in cars than anything else. We play football with him, take him for walks and are a quiet house. He is calm but obviously has his energetic moments.

We've found if he plays with one of his friends in particular he can get very violent and fight etc. Everything becomes a gun they kill each other and run around being very loud and manic. This boy comes from a house where he rough play fights constantly with his dad, plays on computer games and has lots of nerf guns and what i would class as aggressive boys toys. It's all about destruction and getting the bad guys. This boy actually doesn't know how else to play, which i find very sad. Ds just wants to be friends so copy's this, it's part of him wanting to fit in.

If your ds isn't being influenced at home and the problem is who he plays with at nursery the this is nurserys problem. I'd be having words with the nursery it's up to them to keep the children apart teach them to play differently or distract their playing.

Would it be at all possible to channel the superhero behaviour into meaning something else? So he could be a superhero helper keeping the house tidy or superhero helper by helping to put the food shopping away.Change the meaning of the word or give it a meaning rather and hopefully the complaints will stop? He could always try to rescue people instead! HTH

I try to encourage slightly less sinister or aggressive superheroes! Like Buzz Lightyear and The Incredibles where their powers are more strength and speed than just all-out fighting. Ds1 loves Spiderman the character but has never been allowed to watch an episode! And it will stay that way for a good while yet (he's 4.5yo). He loves Cars2 but we have never let him see the two scariest bits - Torque getting tortured and Mater drugged - and deploy a little sneaky fastforwarding. Ds1 knows we fastforward those bits because they are scary, and he accepts that. Even with watching the non-scary parts he still picks up on cars fighting each other and that comes out in his play. He just makes his toy cars bash each other though, he isn't usually aggressive in his play with other children but yes there are exceptions, and while he doesn't hit he sometimes pretends to shoot a gun. Can't stop it completely but you can tone it down by limiting what they see on tv and films I think.