not quite bullying but... argh! really need your help!

[ladybug71]

Hi all
I?m really hoping you can help me out with a dilemma. I?ve never posted here before but I don?t know who I can talk to about this. Sorry it?s a bit long!

I have 2 girls, one is 7 and the other 4. I work part-time, and one day a week a good friend of mine has my youngest from nursery and then my eldest from the end of school. My friend also has two children one is in the same class as my eldest and the other is a toddler. The girls go to a tiny rural school (less than 20 kids) and have always known each other. We socialise a lot with my friend and her husband, and other families at the school, and generally spend a lot of time at each other houses. My DD told my husband at the weekend that this girl said to my her last week that she doesn?t like her and doesn?t want her at her house and that her mum hates DD1 and her sister. I don?t want to over-react, I know kids can be kids and often you need to leave them to sort things out for themselves, but other stuff has happened over the last couple of years. On and off, this girl takes it into her head to ignore my DD and exclude her from games with the other kids (she is very popular) but then when it?s just the two of them playing they get on brilliantly. I asked my DD how she would feel if she didn?t go to this girl?s house any more and she said she would love it. The question is, what do I tell my friend? Do I just say that I want to spend more time with the girls or do I tell her the truth? I know that she would want to know if her daughter was behaving like this but if she then takes it up with her DD, I?m sure that my DD will suffer for it. I honestly don?t think our friendship will suffer because we are really close ? she has been so brilliant looking after the girls and always wants to have them (I do often say that my mum would have them instead, but she always says that she likes to have them round). I just don?t know what to do. Help!

Ooh that's weird, all the punctuation marks have come out as question marks. Sorry about that!

In your situation, I would tell my friend that my Mum has explicitly asked to have them now...and that she feels she needs to spend more time with them.

If your friend protests, you just have to be firm and say "Oh I know you enjoy it but my Mum is definite about this and I'll have to give her "first dibs"."

No way would I continue sending my DD there but I fully understand your reluctance to rock the boat with your frined as I have had a similar situation myself.

I'd ask your daughter what she would like you to do - tell your friend to get her to sort it out with her daughter, make up an excuse, talk to school etc.

That's a difficult one as hard to know if it is just girls being girls and making a storm in a teacup, or if this is genuinely a bit of an ongoing issue that is making your dd unhappy. I agree that I would ask your dd to think about what she would like to do, give her time to decide what she would like rather than getting a snap decision. It's awkward, but I think being honest with your friend is the best thing to do. You can put it as sensitively as you like and gloss over it if you choose to, "oh I know how girls can be etc etc but dd has been getting a bit upset". Personally I don't think her mother knowing would make the situation worse for your dd. I was bullied at school by my best friend when I was 9 (why do we continue to choose to be friends with these people?!) and she made my life miserable. I didn't tell my mum for ages but when I found out I was going to be in her class again the next year I just cried and ended up having to explain. My mum phoned the other girl's mum, and actually everything got better. My friend's mum clearly gave her a talking to and she stopped being so horrible. I don't think they are yet at the age where nastiness would continue 'under the radar' after their mums have had a word. Teenagers, perhaps. I hope you can resolve it soon.

I would talk to school about the ignoring and excluding from games. IMO, this is the age when power games start with girls, so if the school know about it, they should be able to nip it in the bud, particularly in such a small school.

I would stop the arrangement with your friend for now, let your dc go to your mother's regularly, and have occasional plays with the other girl.
Maybe your friend's dd resents having your dc around so much? (Not a criticism at all, but sometimes it's easier (as a parent) to have other dc around to keep your dc entertained, rather than spend that time solely with your dc)

Yes I agree Donkey....basically everything Donkey says OP.

Thanks all for your advice, I'm glad I'm not over-reacting. I talked to my friend in the end, saying DD didn't want to go round any more as they'd had a falling out. She seemed a bit hurt so I ended up telling her the whole thing. She's spoken to her DD who promises she didn't say anything about my friend not liking the girls, so I think we're taking that one as a stalemate! I think mummy2benji might be right and this girl getting a grilling from her mum might actually improve things. I also agree with deadlydonkey - they're probably being thrown together too much. My DD is not going round there for a while anyway, luckily she is shrugging it all off and is not upset at all so no long term damage. You guys are great :)