Has parenting affected your mental health?

[NutsinMay]

There seems to be a lot of links about Mental Health affecting your ability to parent but nothing about parenting affecting your mental health(beyond post natal depression).

Yet although there have been times in my life when I've felt low, anxious, possibly more than that, I've never felt as anxious, stressed, neurotic, controlling, irritable, occasionally close to the edge as I have had since having children. I have no desire to have a relationship or go out (beyond doing stuff with the children as they are always much easier when out).

I do work part-time and that provides some relief but I wish weekends were something to look forward to like they used to be pre-children. Now they are the most tiring shifts of the week.

Having one was fine and didn't change me or my life that much (and I had a high needs baby) but having two for me is a whole another level.

I am tired very tired. I've not had an uninterupted night's sleep for about 5 years so I think that might be a major contributor but I find the fighting between siblings, the noise, the whining, the whinging- the demands of "mummy" shrieked in stereo are occasionally just too much to bear. I sobbed in front of them this morning because I just wanted them to leave each other alone. I sometimes fear picking up by daughter from school as I just don't the energy to cope with the afterschool grumpiness/meltdown/rudeness.

I know parenting isn't easy and I'm full of admiration for those who have more than two, do it alone or unsupported or have children with complex needs.

I do hear stories of women locking themselves in the bathroom to escape their kids and I know a lot of women got by on valium in the 70s and laudenum in the 1870s(or earlier) so I know it's not uncommon.

But I'm wondering why there isn't more written about this? Is the stress etc actually doing damage to my physical health? Is it normal? Does anyone else think they are going mad?

Thankfully, they are out with DP this afternoon as I've been on the go since 6.

[Octopus37]

I'm another one who would like this thread to stay

[fufflebum]

Just back after taking kids out all day and have caught up!!

So much that I can relate to.

Feel like I am my own worst enemy as I place such high expectations on myself with the motherhood thing and now DH works away every week I do even more.

At weekend had bought his Mother bday card which sat unwritten all weekend. DD wrote her bit and suggested we might like to post it on Monday as Birthday tomorrow. Anyway continued to sit there all weekend.

Why was I bothered it is not my mother she is my MIL (and I don't even like her)

Worried what she might think if no card arrives......

I am my own worst enemy....

[MacMac123]

I want the thread to stay. Didn't realised threads didnt stay

[TeWiSavesTheDay]

In chat they get deleted after 90 days.

[Ledkr]

I'm ok with it staying.
fuffle that why I get stressed when pil stay. Dh can't see the faff but I feel judged if my bathroom is filthy.
I'm fighting that though as they are such morons so I care less and less what they think if me!
I've had quite a successful day. You lot were on my mind constantly.
I viewed dd2 a bit differently and opted to try to solve her issues before I took the meltdown route which has become habitual.
Dd2 however. Now that's a different story

[TeWiSavesTheDay]

Mine was quite good until Playdate ended, although we muddled through fine no major issues. I really, really enjoy the adult company, and I think I'm starting to see that that is a big issue for me.

I do feel like we have to have a clean/tidy house as well, because I didn't grow up in one and I don't want that for my kids. I'm not obsessive about it, but I definitely worry about being judged more than others I think.

[Minifingers]

The thing is hopkinette, that even with the depression, the grinding relentlessness of it (at times), the anxiety, the resentment, the frustration, I'm still so grateful to have had my children and every day I have feelings of intense satisfaction in contemplating them. I have found parenthood to be an amazing adventure, and I wouldn't have been as fulfilled emotionally without the experience of being a mother. I'm glad I've had these challenges. Parenthood is a true 'Vale of Soulmaking'.

I try to imagine myself like a polar explorer - there are days of horror and exhaustion, moments of extreme beauty, a feeling of wanting to give up, pride that I haven't, amazement at my resilience and disappointment at my weaknesses. The things in life which are most worth having are NEVER easy and comfortable to achieve. This is most true in relation to being a mother. Why would anyone expect it to be otherwise?

[ohcluttergotme]

I think it is brilliant to be open & honest about all aspects of motherhood and as a society and as a British society we have a habit of putting on a brave face when out in public that we are coping.
I had my dd at 21 & my ds at 31 so now at 35 I have been parenting for 14 years.
I think life is all about the ying and yang, karma, scales, balance type thing. I am envious at times of my friends who do not have children & the easyway of life they have but feel when I'm 50/60 I will enjoy hearing about my children's life's & enjoy the love & laughter that grandchildren bring & fill your house with but you can look forward to them coming and wave them off goodbye.
I feel envious of my friends who rent their homes & seem to have endless amounts of money & get new car, holidays while I struggle endlessly with mortgage & childcare. But feel in years to come we can downsize our home & use the capital towards our pension & have a nice car & holiday in our 50's, 60's.
I feel envious of friends who have easygoing jobs that they pick up & change cause they don't enjoy them. While I struggle on as nurse/ health visitor dealing with others worries & sometimes thinking I can't take any more & want to jack it all in & drown my sorrows.
But hope in my later years I'll feel the benefits of years of paying into my nhs pension.
So yep being a mother, working, paying a mortgage are so so hard in your 20's, 30's, 40's but fake me I am hoping that I will get the rewards in years to come.
I have to have hope, this is what keeps me going.

[TrucksAndDinosaurs]

Please keep thread. Maybe move to Mental Health section? Not judgey there at all.

[Lousmart]

This is an incredible thread. I can relate to so much. I have little to add that hasn't already been said. Thank you so much, OP, and everyone, just thank you

[OliviaMMumsnet]

Hello there
We've had some requests to move this thread do folks think MH is better than parenting?
Let us know and we'll save it from being autodeleted in chat.
Thanks
MNHQ

[Salbertina]

Either fine with me- parenting more mainstream so more traffic..

[ohcluttergotme]

I've been thinking about this thread and about how society is now.
Years ago woman would be at home raising her children & keeping the house.
She would of went to the wash house with her washing where the children would play on the floor with other children & she could talk about he problems with other mothers & mothers of the previous generation.
She would go to various shops to buy fresh good to prepare the dinner where again she would chat & socialise.
In our quest to make our lives easier & better we have managed to isolate mothers completely & our days are spent fretting over ever minute detail. Mothers in years gone by just would not have had the time. At the end o the day they would of even so exhausted that they would of slept.
I know this is just one way to look at this time. There is also the mothers stuck with drunken, abusive partners and trapped in an intolerable life through marriage and children, but just thinking.

[HandMini]

I think it should go in Parenting, given that one of the threads themes is that what a lot of women are talking about is NOT depression or PND, simply tough times.

[Salbertina]

That's a good point. Yes otherwise could be sidelined somewhat.

[fufulina]

Curry, try Jennifer Lawson, lets pretend this never happened. The American Caitlin Moran, less feminism, but had me roaring.

[IrnBruTheNoo]

Parenting. Please keep this thread. I am still behind in reading the last couple of pages, it's been moving so fast the past couple of days!!

[Ledkr]

I went to the pics with dd1 and couldn't help but remember when dh and I used to have a social life together and how we promised wed never stop that.
Now we are just like business partners
Anyone find it hard to make time for other people as well?
I can't be arsed to chat or go out much.
I make plans then regret it, I don't even answer my phone I've just got nothing left to give.

[TreeLuLa]

Thank you all for this thread.

Like everyone on here I love my DCs but bloody hell it is hard.

SO hard. I am often at the end of my tether with them and yes angry. And sad, and exhausted.

I didn't think it would be like this.

[NutsinMay]

Going to read back a few pages now to catch up what I've missed in the last 24 hours....

but as the OP I just wanted to say yes let's keep it if no one minds the personal stuff they have revealed/might reveal staying in cyberspace.

Parenting is probably the best option. I didn't want to start it there originally because I wanted to embrace a larger audience and I do know many people on mumsnet prefer to hang out on the non-parenting specific threads.

[SomethingsUp]

Immensely.

Had my second as a lone parent. Developed disability during the pregnancy which did not depart after the pregnancy.

Second child was high needs, first child was a toddler at home for the first six months of having two.

I've fought to keep myself together for the kids, but when I started having flashbacks brought on by my daughter about my own personal abuse as a child, I knew I had to do something serious.

I have given them both to their fathers, and taken a three to four month break from parenting on a grand scale, I will have contact every other weekend with both. In the meantime I will be tested for Aspergers and begin therapy for childhood abuse. I will also change meds, which is incredibly difficult because of what I am on.

The decision was made because we were about to become homeless anyway, I have two days left in this house, then everything is in storage until I can organise a new private let for us all to come back together.

DS may never come back full time, because my DD is high needs and he is more settled with his father. I am permanently disabled and need help day to day. DD may need help as she gets older.

I am sad my life came to this, but I see it as an opportunity to try to make things better at home for us all. My children know I love them dearly. And I communicate that with them all the time.

[MiniTheMinx]

Women have always had babies and been mothers (well at least a fairly high percentage of women) I'm inclined to think that the nuclear family isolates women, capitalism more so.

I didn't really have any expectations but I still seem to be paralysed through fear of failure. Someone once called me tigger mummy. I love spending time with my children, I just hate all the other crap I have to deal with.

My mother wasn't an earth mother but she didn't work. She didn't need to, one wage kept three houses, paid for weekends away and holidays, cars, horse riding and music, we spent weekends with friends. The parents drank and played cards, had affairs and drank some more. I had a great childhood. The pressure I feel to provide the same makes me miserable. I can't be in two places, one wage is not really enough and I feel torn between earning and spending time with DCs. The guilt is crippling. Sometimes I resent DP because I think he should work day and night. (I wouldn't have the energy to have an affair ) and I can't afford to drink.

The pressure to do it all, have it all and keep smiling is immense.

My mother (a 60/70's feminist) said that middle class women entering the workforce would be co-opted by employers to help drive down the single wage, so that in time two wages would be needed. The total family wage would remain much the same but quality of life would suffer for the working classes and most of the MC. She was right.

I think we have been largely sold a lie. Men's working lives continue much the same, we make up the short fall in income, sold to us as equality and we work the double shift of work and home.

[Emsmaman]

Really pleased that this thread has stayed active. I'm having a confusing week; on one hand dd drives me nutty and I desire more time away from her, but now I'm on the cusp of starting a ft job I'm feeling upset and wobbly about not having days alone with her during the week.

Please keep the stories coming about how you decided to have further DC as well, I have no idea how me/my marriage/my career can cope with going through another pregnancy/babyhood esp when dd still sleeps so badly! How can I possibly set myself up for more years of sleep deprivation when its getting (marginally) better?

[Emsmaman]

somethingsup be kind to yourself. You sound like a very caring mother. Dd is high needs and I wonder how we are going to get on in the future, she is so different from me I really fear I am not going to parent her well and we are going to clash.

[middlewallop]

SomethingsUp I am really sorry this has happened to you, you have a plan and you will make things better.