Has parenting affected your mental health?

[NutsinMay]

There seems to be a lot of links about Mental Health affecting your ability to parent but nothing about parenting affecting your mental health(beyond post natal depression).

Yet although there have been times in my life when I've felt low, anxious, possibly more than that, I've never felt as anxious, stressed, neurotic, controlling, irritable, occasionally close to the edge as I have had since having children. I have no desire to have a relationship or go out (beyond doing stuff with the children as they are always much easier when out).

I do work part-time and that provides some relief but I wish weekends were something to look forward to like they used to be pre-children. Now they are the most tiring shifts of the week.

Having one was fine and didn't change me or my life that much (and I had a high needs baby) but having two for me is a whole another level.

I am tired very tired. I've not had an uninterupted night's sleep for about 5 years so I think that might be a major contributor but I find the fighting between siblings, the noise, the whining, the whinging- the demands of "mummy" shrieked in stereo are occasionally just too much to bear. I sobbed in front of them this morning because I just wanted them to leave each other alone. I sometimes fear picking up by daughter from school as I just don't the energy to cope with the afterschool grumpiness/meltdown/rudeness.

I know parenting isn't easy and I'm full of admiration for those who have more than two, do it alone or unsupported or have children with complex needs.

I do hear stories of women locking themselves in the bathroom to escape their kids and I know a lot of women got by on valium in the 70s and laudenum in the 1870s(or earlier) so I know it's not uncommon.

But I'm wondering why there isn't more written about this? Is the stress etc actually doing damage to my physical health? Is it normal? Does anyone else think they are going mad?

Thankfully, they are out with DP this afternoon as I've been on the go since 6.

Just returning to this thread, so many posts I can relate to.

Things are looking up here, I mentioned up thread that I couldn't drive, well my lovely MIL is having a new car and has offered me her old car!

So DH will be able to teach me for a while until I can afford proper lessons.

I was looking at insurance quotes, had to put my occupation as 'housewife' and died a little bit inside.

Thanks, clutter. Have downloaded sample.

I think the Blessing by Nancy Mitford is very funny. Can't remember that much about it, only that it kept me going when trying to nightwean dd1.

Lucky Jim - a classic - very dark and misogynist in parts, but there are parts I will often re-read when I need a lift

David Sedaris is funny and has a funny piece online in the New Yorker at the moment

www.newyorker.com/reporting/2013/06/03/130603fa_fact_sedaris

David Sedaris is hilarious.

Makes me just thinking about him.

I love hearing him read his writing. His delivery is perfect - absolutely deadpan and very camp.

I have a 14 month old DD and I'm pregnant with my second child and I always wanted to be a mother.

I had a career, I lived and worked in many countries, I travelled a lot but this was always the end goal...to have children.

We attained financial security, moved back to Europe, bought a house, I became a SAHM and now I struggle.

Sometimes I think the reason I'm struggling is because of my high expectations of motherhood. Sometimes I think it will get better when I get some sleep or when I GET A BREAK from our life's admin. Sometimes I just get cross for not being overjoyed for finally having all I wanted.

I got irrationally annoyed yesterday because we ran out of olive oil, kitchen towels, maldon salt and listerine all at the same time. It takes SO MUCH ENERGY just to run our lives...

DH really is one of life's good guys, but his brain is just hardwired in a different way and I can't find the words to explain how hard it all is.

Anyway,thank you for starting this thread and sharing; it simultaneously made me smile and want to cry. It would be shame for it to disappear, could it perhaps be moved somewhere else?

So much of this thread had made me scream "me too, me too". I have two small DDs (and am lucky to have some help now and again) but the sapping, draining relentlessness of it makes me slow-witted, physically slow, incapable of decision making.

And the anger, oh my god yes, the anger. Never far from the surface.

Carrying the weight of responsibility, and the minutiae of three people's lives in your head.

My career (high flying, great earning, wonderful prospects) is in the process of being dismantled as I have realised I can't do it FT as well as give DDs the attention I want to.

My body, totally scarred and wrecked from two births and a related major op. The lines and wrinkles on my face tell the sleep deprivation.

I have a lot of anxiety now, often about stuff which is supposed to fun, like holidays (will the girls scream in the car all the way, will they sleep ok in new rooms) and childrens parties (will DD have a nice time, do I hover too much).

But I don't regret the decision to have children and I love them both so wholeheartedly. I go into their rooms to watch them sleep because I need to see their little faces.

I cry a lot and do "empty mind" activities like surfing the web/watching TV once DDs are in bed. I never seem to find the motivation to do something productive like a craft or cooking.

Thank you Ledkr I never thought about taking her out after school, I just got home and shut the door, every bloody day.

So many times I thought this is it I have PND, in reality just a busy life difficult dd1 4 and two younger ones. Far too many people expected me to have PND! My DH works abroad so in a way I don't mind just getting on with it as I have no expectations from him but goodness me I could do with another pair of hands at night.

So moving onto sharing tips I decided to take them swimming (luckily over the rd) the stress of getting out ensued so I just got a big shopping bag and literally threw in 3 towels and 3 costumes and a nappy and left the house.
Normally I fuss around tidying up and tying up loose ends before I leave but I just needed to get out.
Had. Nice swim and got chips on way home for lunch.
I agree about expectations being high and unreasonable.
Have decided to put housework further down the list.

middle I never went home after school if I could help it. Biscuits in pocket and a stop at the park.

Ledkr Haha perhaps everyone else had the same problem!

I find myself looking at new mums with babies with pity(even when they look collected) I find them looking back with shock at my three. I just think you just wait until they are on the move, not very kind to womankind!

Ledkr, I took my ds swimming a couple of weeks ago & was getting stressed about wetting house tidy, dishes done etc & just thought "just get out" We had a great time, was lovely spending time with him where I just felt relaxed. Haven't been back yet tho & it was £5.80 for me which was a bit steep for an hours splash in the baby pool

Well done on the swimming trip, ledkr.

I am feeling pretty grim now. Getting a virus, dd1 had it last week and it knocked her out and I am feeling pretty horrible.
Don't know what to do about dp. haven't spoken for over 36 hours. realising more and more clearly that we are stuck in this thing where I have to pretend everything is ok or he just disengages completely.

here is what he will do if I challenge him (in whatever ways) on the set up:

• shout, get angry, slam doors (if drink has been taken, which is likely if I have been emboldened to do this).

-change subject -tell me that he works very hard and I don't appreciate him, get very upset -leave, disappear, go off somewhere -tell me that we can't talk about that now because there is something worse that I have done and something more important about his feelings -agree to do something when asked specifically, may or may not do it, will not result in change of overall behaviour over time -tell me that I am addressing it in the wrong way, being nasty to him, and "why can't you treat me like I am your friend" -long sufferingly sigh and patronisingly appear to agree to do something as if I am the most demanding piece of shit on the earth

so it's an endless negative feedback loop, because I have to pretend he is perfect to get anything at all out of him, because everything is voluntary and he can just choose to withdraw his support, which is dependent on his feeling like being nice to me, and so the real resentment builds up in proportion to how much I am having to pretend and struggle on, because if I were to tell the truth about how fucked off I am I am just femina non grata.

I just want to be happy now we are not looking at being homeless but instead I am feeling utterly exhausted and grim.

Have been reading the "moving tips" thread and everyone is basically saying "outsource whatever you can". I had been thinking "now we have moved once, and our stuff is more organised and I have sorted and got rid of loads, we can be really organised for the next move, ready for the men to lift labelled boxes into designated rooms, and I will not have to hump anything around this time." HA HA HA all the time he was thinking the opposite. And that I was upset and offended makes me very very wrong and unacceptable.

thinking about going to a hotel. Shattered and aching and just want to sleep or cry.

This thread is amazing. Has anyone asked about getting it moved, so it doesn't disappear? I know there are plans afoot for a follow-on thread, but there is so much incredible writing on this one that I think it would be a huge loss if it were to go.

I am childless by choice and I'd just like to thank every one of you for having the courage to talk honestly about motherhood. I have known for a long time that I don't want kids, but there is this unrelenting tide of pro-childbearing sentiment that sometimes makes me doubt myself. All the stuff about fulfillment, and about "not knowing what real love is until you have children." The daily grind is rarely if ever mentioned, and when it is, it's always in wry, it's-not-so-bad tones. I have so much respect for women who raise children and my heart goes out to everyone who's having, or has had, an awful time; but it's reassuring to hear that what I've always suspected - that it's a fucking tough gig - is true.

Curryeater I was so struck by what you said about anger: anger hurts the angry person and therefore to make someone angry is to hurt them. YES. And to deny them the right to be angry is to hurt them again. I've recently started thinking a lot about female anger and how it's so massively frowned on, how we're told that anger is inappropriate and destructive and we - WE - should avoid getting angry and manage our anger. I know you were talking specifically about the micro, the dynamic in your own relationship, but I do think that what you said is relevant at the macro level too. Women are treated poorly in a general sense, but God forbid we should get angry about it. You articulated so perfectly what I've been thinking.

I would happily see this thread move to somewhere more permanent, but I am not sure if that is ok because others may have posted on the basis that it will disappear.

Yes, yes to keeping this thread. curryeater has been amazing on it and out into words so many feelings, most of all about anger, that I could not have verbalised more accurately if I'd tried for a week.

This thread has lifted my spirits since posting last night. Thank you all for wise words and solidarity.

Obviously this is only my experience - but I'd be happy for it to stay, despite describing some feelings I'd not share in real life.

I can't keep up wtih this thread! Have been in work for a few hours and so much has been added.
But as always, it just keeps resonating.
Handmini - I could have written your post myself!

Would also like it to stay.

Yes, get the thread moved to a permanent home.

You have my permish anyway.

This thread has given me the strength to call the docs to have an increase in my antidepressants. I've been in tears today already with my defiant and violent 4 year old and am so sad that all I think about is the fastest way to get to bedtime. When I just had him, I thought I had it sussed. Twins a year later have enabled me to get my head from up my arse and see motherhood for the grind it is.

I'd also be happy for it to stay.

curryeater, is going to a hotel for a night financially practical? If it is, I really think you should. Perhaps write down some of the things you've said on here for your partner to read while you're gone. It sounds as though you've got to the end of a long period of immense stress, and now you're having the crash, and he isn't acknowledgingbeither the stress or the crash.

People are mentioning expectations of motherhood, but you know, I had very few.
My own mother is not really fit for the job, I knew this, and I suppose I thought I'd be better than she is/was. I am. That was my only expectation.

curryeater, I also meant to say massive congratulations on sorting out your housing. You're entitled to feel very proud of that.

I agree Pfaffer, I had no expectations really, apart from tiredness.

My Mum wasn't great either, I think I just desperately wanted a family to prove that I could have a happy home of my own.

But I looked for happiness in the wrong place, instead of trying for my first baby I should have been doing so many other things. I expected motherhood to make me happy, but it didn't, I'm still the same person, just with extra stress.

One of my friends always says her kids are 'her whole life' but I don't feel like that, and I don't think I ever could.

I know what you mean, springtime...I wanted a family because families are nice. Well, mine wasn't, but the one I made is nice, if small and imperfect. It's just that hitherto, everything nice has also been easy in some way, and this very definitely hasn't been

I definitely need outside interests (and I work hard on those) so I will probably be the subject of ds's long rants to his therapist at some point in the future...She went on holiday with her friends, how very dare she? etc