Has parenting affected your mental health?

[NutsinMay]

There seems to be a lot of links about Mental Health affecting your ability to parent but nothing about parenting affecting your mental health(beyond post natal depression).

Yet although there have been times in my life when I've felt low, anxious, possibly more than that, I've never felt as anxious, stressed, neurotic, controlling, irritable, occasionally close to the edge as I have had since having children. I have no desire to have a relationship or go out (beyond doing stuff with the children as they are always much easier when out).

I do work part-time and that provides some relief but I wish weekends were something to look forward to like they used to be pre-children. Now they are the most tiring shifts of the week.

Having one was fine and didn't change me or my life that much (and I had a high needs baby) but having two for me is a whole another level.

I am tired very tired. I've not had an uninterupted night's sleep for about 5 years so I think that might be a major contributor but I find the fighting between siblings, the noise, the whining, the whinging- the demands of "mummy" shrieked in stereo are occasionally just too much to bear. I sobbed in front of them this morning because I just wanted them to leave each other alone. I sometimes fear picking up by daughter from school as I just don't the energy to cope with the afterschool grumpiness/meltdown/rudeness.

I know parenting isn't easy and I'm full of admiration for those who have more than two, do it alone or unsupported or have children with complex needs.

I do hear stories of women locking themselves in the bathroom to escape their kids and I know a lot of women got by on valium in the 70s and laudenum in the 1870s(or earlier) so I know it's not uncommon.

But I'm wondering why there isn't more written about this? Is the stress etc actually doing damage to my physical health? Is it normal? Does anyone else think they are going mad?

Thankfully, they are out with DP this afternoon as I've been on the go since 6.

Everyone is writing so brilliantly on this thread that I just want to sit here and hit Refresh all day but I have to go now. Hope you all have an ok day x

middle dd1 was like that after school. She'd come out with a moody face then cry and whine all the way home.
I had some sucess with taking a snack to have on the way home and trying to avoid actually going home too.
She often was in bed before 6 too.
Positivity is slowly decreasing with the endless rain

We have a Playdate today and a craft kit, so i'll disappear soon. I feel like I cope with the kids better if we are busy.

Is having 2+ really that bad? I've had my fair share of mh problems (recurring depression, and 10 years or so of eating disorders). Having my first child changed all that for me. It gave me a sense of perspective and the freedom to feel on an even keel no matter what, has been incredible. My child isn't always easy at all, but I feel ok inside, so dealing with crying/temper tantrums/lack of sleep etc doesn't feel too hard. We're considering ttc #2. Is this a monumentally bad idea?

I think breast feeding works well in cultures where women aren't alone with small children all day. It's not that bottle feeding doesn't also involve you having to hold and feed a little person, but its the emotional intensity of being the ONLY person who can feed a child, and the strongly reciprocal physical relationship involved in feeding a baby with your body. It just feels like too much for many women who are already emotionally overwhelmed and suffocating with the relentlessness of new motherhood.

I wish we could just acknowledge this reality rather than have to justify giving up breast feeding on the grounds that it's 'not working properly'. Babies feeding hourly is physiologically good and normal. But for women who have spent the first 30 years of their lives being autonomous it can come as a hideous shock, and in the end be the straw that breaks the camels back.

ledkr, yes, the rain! I've never been so much at the mercy of the weather. Pre-DS, obviously I preferred the weather to be good, but if it rained at the weekend I had the option of hiding indoors with a book. Now it's a choice between going stir-crazy with DS climbing the walls and going out in the pouring rain and squelching around. I really am not an outdoor person and I hate it.

Mine are still little, but I think it is short term stress for long term gain. Mine are 18mths and 4. They argue sometimes, but they also play together. For me that's an improvement on one tiny person always needing to play with me.

No guarantees, Zirca- depends on individual kid, your support network, whether pnd hits etc etc.

Having said that, having dc2 validated me for the first time as a mother. I knew what i was doing ! I knew when to ask for help and what was "normal". Having an easy birth, easy baby and easy feeder was v cathartic after horrendous first time.

Not necessarily! You never know how it will go. If you have a (truly!) supportive partner and good rl support then that's the best thing for you.

I tell you what gives me the heebie-jeebies to this day: indoor place spaces. When I drive past them I still shudder. Stuck in a warehouse-type building, no windows, for hours. Properly did my head in (properly! not just irritating or difficult but Properly Difficult)

zirca I'm about to give birth to #2. I am determined to be kind to myself this time - ff if necessary, put the baby with my (lovely, lovely) CM for a few hours every now and again, even from very young, to get some head space (she has said she'd be delighted to cuddle it for an hour or so)! I'm also going to be more open with DH about things.
I wanted 2 children so that was that, really.

Starting my kindness-to-myself: today I've got a day's annual leave and put DS with the CM and I'm watching the tennis and eating cake

I think I'm one of the few people on this thread who found having tiny children consistently enjoyable and manageable. Breastfed first for 18 months, second for 13 months and third for 2 and a half years. Didn't use any formula for babies 2 and 3. They didn't sleep through for years either. It all started to go shit shaped when my youngest was 3 and I became unwell with some sort of mystery virus that made me jaundiced and nauseated for months on end. I suffered from an anxiety so crippling I was constantly wanting to chuck myself under a bus.

I miss having tiny children. It felt easy then emotionally. Now I struggle to meet their needs, am driven into insanity by their arguing and selfishness. I wish I'd bought them up to be more self disciplined and self-sufficient. I really blame myself for having created such selfish children.

Can I pass on a LIFE SAVING tip?

Audio books on your phone.

I always have one on the go. On the surface I'm doing the walk to school for the 10'000th time. Children squabbling. Grey skies. But I've got my headphones in and in my mind I'm somewhere else completely: on a ship in the middle of the Atlantic; shagging an 18 year old medieval knight with rippling muscles; tracking a murderer through a Swedish forest.

Honestly it helps so much. That and Netflix on my iPad.

Me too minimy otherwise gorgeous dd1 is the most selfish person I know. She will not pick up after herself for love or money.
I spend my days arguing with her now its sad.
If she makes breakfast she leaves milk and sugar with no lids and cereal out then goes into a strop if I ask her to clear up

Interesting how many women struggle with BF versus FF, particularly the massive guilt and pressure.

Women that I know of who 'made' their partners do 50/ 50 of the bottle feeding newborns through the night, are known as nagging battle axes, dominating and self-serving, selfish cows. Everyone feels sorry for their partners.

However, I doubt anyone would cast too many sorry glances over the wife who wife stumbles out of bed for the hundredth time to get her boobs out for the milk monster in the crib, while her husband snores through the night.

''I think breast feeding works well in cultures where women aren't alone with small children all day...It just feels like too much for many women who are already emotionally overwhelmed and suffocating with the relentlessness of new motherhood...I wish we could just acknowledge this reality rather than have to justify giving up breast feeding..''

Minifingers, I could cry with relief that other people are articulating this too! Thank you

You know what it is Ledkre? It's fecking exhaustion that makes us give up and do it for them. I bitterly bitterly regret all the millions of times I have given in from sheer tiredness and done things for my children they should have done for themselves. Reinforcing their belief that I am their SLAVE. How the chickens are flocking home to roost now my oldest is a completely idle, useless teen, who drops her crisp wrappers on the floor where she's standing rather than walk three steps to put it in the bin.

In my late teens I lived in Kenya. Most children there are AMAZING: resourceful, hardworking, competent, independent. They have to be.

Western mothers have created a whole generation of selfish and lazy children. I will hold up my hands and admit that I have made a massive rod for my own back through Molly-coddling my children and doing too much for them.

I've l

Just to lighten things a little it did make us laugh when one of the DCs said (when quite little) ...

"We're just your slaves aren't we ?" when asked to maybe pick something up and put it away.

If only !

Love and strength to all x

Mini- i live in (urban) Africa and see a lot of kids bringing themselves up on the streets under the occasional eye of an army of local "sisis" . Not all rosy, yes they're independent and savvy but many are malnourished, neglected and some turn early to gang-related petty crime. Mothers tend to be away from home a lot from working long hours, many fathers totally absent.

Meant also to say that this works much better in rural Africa where extended family keep an eye out and where dangers are far fewer. Problem is everyone's leaving such areas in droves due to lack of jobs.

Aww curryeater, yep catholic & I don't agree with many things that the church stands for but honestly felt ready to dump my child somewhere & they have been so kind and welcoming to me. A few times I've thought I'm going to cry sitting there as I've found life so hard lately. One wee old man keeps giving my son a pound coin so mini clutter is delighted.
Another hilarious time, he was really playing up & running away so I took him to the smaller room/church that a couple of ladies have said they took their children to if they were playing up. Mini clutter went in just before the priest arrived. He ran up & found a bell & rang it. Everyone in church stood up!!!
The priest came up to speak to me later, I apologised for my sons behaviour. He said nonsense I don't hear a thing when I'm on the alter I just see his lovely smiling little face. I could of hugged him. He really is gorgeous looking, blonde curls, big blue eyes that look always up to mischief & chubby cheeks. Looks like a cherub (but is not)
I love going through for coffee & biscuits after. Probably reek of desperation but it gets us out of the house.
I hope we can keep this thread going it has made me feel so much better not to feel so alone.
You are all fab doing the hardest job ever x

yes, the hardest job ever and 'How sharper than a serpent's tooth it is
To have a thankless child'

Such a relief to read that I wasnt alone in finding it such an unrewarding task

Clutter, your ds sounds utterly delicious and I bet everyone in the church is enjoying his cheeky gorgeousness.

Great tip from minifingers on the audiobooks.

anyone got any good novels to recommend? Especially really funny ones?

A thousand spendid suns is a brilliant book, not really funny but totally absorbing. Will have a think of last funny book. I normally read harrowing true life things...I'm great fun me!

Curry - I pay £6.99 a month to Audible and download one book a month for that. I go for length rather than quality tbh. Last month I had Ken Follett's 'Pillars of the Earth' and this month the follow up book, 'World without End'. Unabridged. That's almost 90 hours of recording! Prior to this I had all three of the Steiger Larsson Millennium series 'Girl With The Dragon Tattoo' Etc.

I'm an ex English teacher and I know these books aren't great literature, but they are gorgeously escapist so I've really enjoyed them.

Some libraries have audiobooks that you can download from the council website too. Plus books on CD that you can hire. I recommend the unabridged ones - more listening for you money!

Also worth having a browse on radio 4 and radio 4 extra. They have good books that they serialise and plays too.